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Been put in a really akward situation with SIL and having to say no to her request for the 3rd time.

(352 Posts)
StarsAndStripesX Thu 17-Jan-19 08:22:00

SIL (DHs sister) and DH don’t really see eye to eye, they are very different people. He sees her as very high maintenance, jealous and selfish. Where as DH is very laid back. SIL is quite a bit older than DH and must be seen to be doing better. Whatever we have / get she has to get bigger and better and really makes it known with her constant bragging and it really winds DH up.

DH and BIL get on really well and I know if BIL wasn’t on the scene he wouldn’t see SIL. He tolerates her, I get on with her ok as I’m not easily wound up by her I let her brag but it washes over me. I don’t see life as a competition like her.

We hosted DHs family over Xmas. BIL gave DH the dates for mutual friends stag, turns out DH can’t go as it clashes with our family holiday.

A hour or so later SIL said she had a great idea as we are all away at the same time why doesn’t she come on holiday with us so she’s not missing out.
I told her straight and said “we don’t do holidays with others due to previous bad experiences in the past. It is our first family holiday since DS was born (he’s now 7) and since DH changed jobs (he doesn’t see the DC for 5 days a week, every other week due to new hours) and were looking forward to spending some quality time with just us four. She seemed to accept that and said it’s fine not to worry.

A week or so later they stopped in for a flying visit to borrow some tools, DH was in the garage and SIL brought it up again. She said she feels upset that we are all going away and it’s not fair on her and she wants to come away with us. BIL stepped in before I could speak and said she was embarrassing herself, she had already asked and has been told no, she’s already got two holidays booked this year and to drop it.

Me and DH spoke after they left and he said if she comes away with us he’s not going. I do get on with her more than DH but 10 days joined at the hip with her is far too much and the thought fills me with dread aswell as DH.

I really thought that was the end of the matter, seems not. She messaged late last night I’ve only seen it this morning. “She’s been looking online and the prices are going up, she would really love to come so can we reconsider and let her know what dates we go and come back so she can book it”

She knows what hotel were staying at as we previously went to the same hotel 8/9 years ago and they went to the same hotel a couple of months later. We spoke about it Xmas day before she tried to invite herself. She even said it was ok but not as good as more expensive hotel down the road they stayed at last year. She doesn’t know our exact dates just we will be away over the stag do.

I honestly don’t know what to say, I’ve tried a few times to draft a message and I don’t know how to get the point across. She’s clearly messaged me rather than DH as he will tell her to piss off.

The problem is we’re not actually going until July and it’s going to be a long time of her asking if I can’t set her straight once and for all.

Shoxfordian Thu 17-Jan-19 08:28:02

I think you need to send a clear message

"Sil, we do not want to go on holiday with you. Please stop asking me"

It seems like your bil understands so maybe your dh can speak to him about it

6demandingchildren Thu 17-Jan-19 08:28:43

Just message back that's is lovely that she wants to spend all that time with you and that she would come in handy for babysitting in the evening so you and your DH can spend some quality time together but this holiday is for the children to spend much needed time with both parents.

PurpleDaisies Thu 17-Jan-19 08:30:12

Hold the line.

Keep telling her no. You haven’t done anything wrong here.

Caselgarcia Thu 17-Jan-19 08:32:08

'Sorry. We haven't changed our minds', should do it.

Sexnotgender Thu 17-Jan-19 08:32:27

She has a very thick skin!!

Please say no again, I’d let BIL know she’s asking again too.

PurpleDaisies Thu 17-Jan-19 08:32:45

For the message, I’d say “I’m sorry this has got a bit awkward but this holiday is just for us. Please don’t keep asking about it because the answer won’t change.”

MinorProphet Thu 17-Jan-19 08:32:49

"We are having holiday with just us. But hope you can find a holiday to suit you."

ivykaty44 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:33:24

“This is getting embarrassing, it’s the third time you’ve asked and the answer is still the same - time to drop this now or we will fall out”

BiddyPop Thu 17-Jan-19 08:33:25

Or just a plain, unadorned “No”

Parthenope Thu 17-Jan-19 08:35:13

God, don’t say what 6demanding suggests! That makes it sound as if you’re willing to negotiate if she babysits. Get your DH to reply in the bluntest possible negative. I agree with her husband — she’s embarrassing herself. Who invites herself on someone else’s holiday, especially when they’ve said no quite plainly twice???

DisplayPurposesOnly Thu 17-Jan-19 08:36:15

Appeal to her competitiveness... "Sorry, no. Like I said before, we want to keep it just us as our first family holiday with DS. Why don't you get together with a friend to do something? You could get a much nicer hotel!"

wink

Desmondo2016 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:36:16

Wow she's a cheeky fucker! Unfortunately no easy way out. You have to tell her straight. You've tried polite and it didn't work so maybe rack it up a notch to blunt. At least you and DH are on the same page.

Birdsgottafly Thu 17-Jan-19 08:36:20

"" Just message back that's is lovely that she wants to spend all that time with you and that she would come in handy for babysitting in the evening so you and your DH can spend some quality time together but this holiday is for the children to spend much needed time with both parents.""

Do not send that.

She will pounce on the 'banysitting' idea and try to sell you her coming, based on that.

It's a straight no, or your holiday will be you and her because she'll push her way in amd your DH won't go.

She's selfish and can't stand the idea that your on holiday when she isn't.

Start to tell her straight. She doesn't give a shit about upsetting your DH, spoiling this one chance for your DC to have a good time having their Dad all week, why are you pandering to her.

Think of it as, is your children missing out less important than her nose being put out of joint.

Parthenope Thu 17-Jan-19 08:37:40

ivy’s reply is the clearest so far. You should not be saying you’re sorry or suggesting that her repeated demands to come on your holiday are anything other than annoying and presumptuous.

Birdsgottafly Thu 17-Jan-19 08:38:07

Loads of typos and bad grammar, sorry. I'm that annoyed on your behalf!

picklemepopcorn Thu 17-Jan-19 08:38:29

Tell her to plan something with other friends, because this is a much needed mum, dad and kids together holiday. Then repeat the same thing every time she asks. Possibly with a tinkly little laugh. Maybe even 'what a shame you have no friends you can go with'.

zzzzz Thu 17-Jan-19 08:38:37

Easier in some ways by text. Just say, that it’s a holiday for the four of you and you don’t her to come. Be very straight, do not apologise or give any wriggle room.

Some people see “no” as a challenge. Not your problem.

Birdsgottafly Thu 17-Jan-19 08:39:03

6demandingchildren, you don't have to placate people. You can stand up for your rights.

MoveOnTheCards Thu 17-Jan-19 08:39:31

Why can’t you just repeat “no, it’s our family holiday and we’re not inviting anyone else”?!

QueenofallIsee Thu 17-Jan-19 08:39:41

I am actually quite impressed at how thick skinned she is! I think that a previous posters simple ‘the answer is no, please stop asking’ is absolutely right. Anything less blunt and she’ll keep on...July is pretty far away to have to hear this on the regular so you’ll have to be firm

DustyMcDustbuster Thu 17-Jan-19 08:39:51

A good friend once said "no is a complete sentence".

Whisky2014 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:45:29

"We have not changed our minds" is the best one. No apology and it's clear.

BMW6 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:46:34

Just reply "for the third time - NO"

SaturdayNext Thu 17-Jan-19 08:46:58

"I've explained why we really want a holiday on our own, and you accepted that. The situation hasn't changed."

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