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Help! I've been asked why I've deleted someone from Facebook. What do I say?

(92 Posts)
GunpowderGelatine Thu 13-Dec-18 15:52:09

Had a bit of a Facebook clear out. I don't have loads of friends but I figured if I wouldn't stop and speak to someone on the street they probably don't belong on my Facebook.

So I deleted a mum who I knew when my DD was at nursery (she's now in year 1 so not been in nursery for over a year). We were never friends, chatted at parties and met up for a couple of play dates at softplay, but that's it.

Literally 2 minutes later she's messaged me to ask if she's done something wrong as she noticed I have deleted her 😬 does Facebook tell you when someone deletes you?!

If I told the truth I'd be saying "I don't know you that well and your attention seeking statuses are very annoying" - but what does a total wuss like me actually say <stares tempted at block button> grin

CormoranStrike Thu 13-Dec-18 15:53:11

I’m doing some declutterinf for a quieter life, it’s nothing personal.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 13-Dec-18 15:53:53

No, Facebook doesn't. She must have seen her number drop and searched for who was missing...

To be honest; I'd probably just say it must have been a glitch or something, but that's not very straight!

You could tell the truth and say you've had a bit of a clear out and hadn't chatted in a while, if you wanted.

LastOneDancing Thu 13-Dec-18 15:54:58

Tell her it's not personal - you've stripped back your FB to family & close friends only.

It's also true.

ErictheGuineaPig Thu 13-Dec-18 15:55:17

You're having to lock your Facebook right down to close friends and family for safety reasons. Sounds like you've done the right thing, she's bonkers!!

snowone Thu 13-Dec-18 15:55:40

I'd just say that you have decided to only have close friends and family for personal reasons! grin

bananananananana Thu 13-Dec-18 15:57:37

That's some intense needy behaviour..

AdoreTheBeach Thu 13-Dec-18 15:58:19

FB doesn’t do notifications to the person deleted. It could be the number of her “friends” went down and she looked, or she got one of those general FB notifications about people you know to see if you want to add them as a friend. If she saw you there, clicked on your profile - which would then indicate you’re not friends. I think PP reply is a good one.

Another thing you can do is use the hide button. You’ll never see her posts unless you choose to click on her profile. You can also create a list of people who won’t see your posts. It’s a way to seem to be polite if concerned about unfriending but you don’t se them and they don’t see your posts.

FurryDogMother Thu 13-Dec-18 16:01:58

If she's running Facebook Purity (as I do), she will have had a notification that you've unfriended her. Just say 'nothing personal, was being overwhelmed with FB posts, needed to cut down a bit!'.

titchy Thu 13-Dec-18 16:03:55

'MI5 have advised me to remove all friend's prior to October of this year for reasons of national security.'

cjt110 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:04:22

Reply "Who dis?" grin

icannotremember Thu 13-Dec-18 16:05:32

I'd ignore her message, tbh. I know that's neither nice nor mature of me.

GunpowderGelatine Thu 13-Dec-18 16:07:35

Ooh I like saying it's for security reasons!

I honestly wouldn't know if people deleted me or not, how weird to check!

GunpowderGelatine Thu 13-Dec-18 16:14:35

Oh fuck.

I replied "No not at all, I've removed everyone except family and close friends for security reasons xx"

She's replied "Why what's happened?".

Manic stalker?
A serial killer is after me after I've been tracking her ever kill (oh how I long to be Sandra Oh)?

ShatnersBassoon Thu 13-Dec-18 16:16:22

I'd have just ignored the first message. Now just ignore the second message grin

icannotremember Thu 13-Dec-18 16:16:43

"For security reasons I'm afraid I can't answer that."

Theperfectchangeling Thu 13-Dec-18 16:18:03

“Who dis” gringrin

I have a needy weirdo like this... she is a neighbour of mine and a school mum. That’s the only reason I know her, she took sides with someone on my facebook who rounded on me over a totally innocuous comment (whom I also subsequently deleted) so I decided to delete her, as she isn’t my friend anyway, and I just didn’t see why she needed to get involved. Then she messaged me several times, “have I done something wrong? You have deleted me.”

Why shouldn’t I? Why does this random person need a window into and opinion on my life when we have no other particularly positive interaction? I just ignored the question and wished her well grin

Theperfectchangeling Thu 13-Dec-18 16:19:28

Of course you could just say... U OK hun?


Shepherdspieisminging Thu 13-Dec-18 16:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theperfectchangeling Thu 13-Dec-18 16:21:24

There will of course be someone along in a minute, to regale us all with a dead dog tale of how barbara the hairdresser she used in 1997 deleted her from facebook, she never got over it and how we are all horrible spiteful people.

LizB62A Thu 13-Dec-18 16:21:38

"I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you"

gamerwidow Thu 13-Dec-18 16:27:36

if you want to reply just say everything’s fine but FB security settings are a bit rubbish so you’ve scaled back.
If she contacts you again block and ignore you don’t owe this person an explanation.
Personally I’d have ignored her the first time.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr Thu 13-Dec-18 16:27:43

This is why it's best to just unfollow people rather than unfriend them, so you don't see what they post, but they never know that grin. I have had friends do that to each other.

I have been unfriended by people and do wonder why sometimes, especially when they are still smiley to your face, but never mind, people have different reasons for doing things.

brizzledrizzle Thu 13-Dec-18 16:28:39

Tell her you are going into a witness protection programme and then block her.

gamerwidow Thu 13-Dec-18 16:29:41

I’d wonder why close friends or family unfriended me but for anyone else i don’t think I’d even notice.

cjt110 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:29:48

"Nowt I wanna tell you thanks you nosy cunt" grin

HildaZelda Thu 13-Dec-18 16:30:12

Ignore her.

Notgoodatchoosingnames Thu 13-Dec-18 16:30:23

I did this a couple of years ago. Then a girl I used to be in school with (we were in our late 20's by this point) messaged me saying "I notice you deleted me and that isn't very nice"
I tried to work out how to respond then decided that she already thought I wasn't nice so what was the point in responding.
The crazy thing was we never really spoke in school and had no contact since being on FB!!
That reminds me, I need to do another cull soon...

Twickerhun Thu 13-Dec-18 16:31:50

‘Sorry I’ve got to be careful what I say. Official secrets act and what not.’

cjt110 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:33:20

""Nowt I wanna tell you thanks you nosy cunt" I really ought to work on my responses and put a filter between brain and fingers/mouth

PickAChew Thu 13-Dec-18 16:35:37

People get so touchy about this. They have apps that automatically tweet stuff like "3 people followed me and 6 people unfillowed me, today"

Probably because they were sick of the automated tweets.

But, yeah, just tell her honestly that your paring right down for personal reasons.

Bluetrews25 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:37:36

Block, don't reply.
Sadly, your 'security reasons' will have her asking all sorts of questions of others! Best to prepare a good answer, as it will get back to her!

fringegrin45 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:39:04

I unfriend people all the time, I just say I keep trying to quit/cut back on social media - it's really because I find it creepy not knowing which randoms from my past is reading my posts/lurking.

@FurryDogMother What's Facebook purity?

dippledorus Thu 13-Dec-18 16:39:53

I had this happen when I deleted someone. Literally 2 mins after I deleted them they were messaging to find out why.

I blocked them in the end because they were being a needy twat - in your case, I'd just say "I want to keep it to close friends and family only".

Or just block and ignore.

I have all sorts of people on restricted/ignore now because I'm too chicken to delete them lol

KurriKurri Thu 13-Dec-18 16:41:11

Why what's happened?"

An incident has occurred which is a threat to security. I can say no more.
Please destroy this message. If you ever see me again, I will be wearing a wig and a false moustache, please refer to me as 'Dave'. Thanks Hun.

cjt110 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:42:49

There is much value in "Who dis?"

itbemay Thu 13-Dec-18 16:43:08

I deleted someone once from Facebook, she had made a really nasty comment about someone we both knew so I deleted her - really didn't want to get into an argument or comment on what she had said so thought delete was easy option, bearing in mind it social media and I didn't 'delete' her IRL.

She got her husband to text me! - awful! really long text about how hurt she was etc and that I shouldn't blame her for her actions hmm

All very odd, her and her husband very rarely talk to us now, seen her a few times out and about and she has either been really over friendly or blanked me.

Very odd behaviour, in hindsight I prob should have just ignored the comment and moved on, came off Facebook shortly after that as found it an uncomfortable experience.

diddl Thu 13-Dec-18 16:45:07

You can get a notification if you're un/defriended?

Good lord-does it come with a health warning?

dippledorus Thu 13-Dec-18 16:45:21

I really have limited my facebook after she messaged me - it made me cut it right down to very close friends and family and I periodically review it and think "Am I actually having anything to do with this person" and if the answer is no I only interact on facebook then they go - with the exception of literally one person, who lives in Australia.

It's a horrible feeling to feel that someone is so obsessively watching that they notice right away - it feels intrusive and stalkery.

LunchBoxPolice Thu 13-Dec-18 16:45:55

I had the same thing today... I deleted some people from work last week after hearing that they were gossiping about me and tbh I'm too old for this shit . One of them came up to me today and said can I have a word outside? So we go outside and she says "why have you unfriended me on Facebook??!" hmm I said I was having a clear out and went back into the office. I can't believe she even noticed, weird.

TheOrigBrave Thu 13-Dec-18 16:48:36

Bloody hell, how me me me is she.

Does it occur to her that it might be about YOU, not HER.

Topseyt Thu 13-Dec-18 16:49:21

Sounds like she is now talking to you on FB Messenger. Give one of the replies about national security from here and then block her on Messenger too. I think you have to do it separately from the main FB.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Thu 13-Dec-18 16:55:47

Oh god this happened to me and u ended up friending her again out of guilt fgrin

sunglasses123 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:56:07

Some people have a lot of time on their hands.

ScrantonTheElectricCity Thu 13-Dec-18 16:56:54

"I'd rather not say. Hope you are well" and block

HarrySnotter Thu 13-Dec-18 17:00:28

My friend always does this if she notices someone has deleted her. I ALWAYS tell her not to, that it's just Facebook and she ALWAYS ignores me and messages to ask people why they deleted her. Then she gets mega offended and never speaks to them again. 😂 She cracks me up.

BewareOfDragons Thu 13-Dec-18 17:01:55

"Too many needy casual acquaintances were doing my head in with their posts."

Then block.


Grace212 Thu 13-Dec-18 17:02:18

either ignore it, or tell her you have actually morphed into Sandra Oh. grin

delboysskinandblister Thu 13-Dec-18 17:04:38

who's Sandra? fwink

DarlingNikita Thu 13-Dec-18 17:07:51

God, has she got no life?

Ignore it.

RangeRider Thu 13-Dec-18 17:09:19

"I'd rather not say. Hope you are well"
This ^^

chocatoo Thu 13-Dec-18 17:11:11

I'd just say something like 'Long story, don't ask!! Hope all well with you'...

TreeTopTen Thu 13-Dec-18 17:16:43

I would go down the unfollow route from now on. I blocked someone once who had made it very clear that she didn't like me and the gates to unholy hell opened.

Postino Thu 13-Dec-18 17:17:30

Another vote for "Who dis?" grin

shearwater Thu 13-Dec-18 17:17:57

I'd blame it on a slip of the finger on my phone, and ask after her health.

But not re-add her.

Groovee Thu 13-Dec-18 17:18:20

I'd ignore.

What is Facebook purity?

GrubbyHipsterBeard Thu 13-Dec-18 17:19:01

She asked you why immediately after? Cringe!

That said, it’s never necessary to unfriend. You can put them on restricted to stop them seeing your stuff, and unfollow so you don’t see theirs, but you avoid offence.

Tbh, it is a little personal - you don’t see her as important enough to have her on FB. Up to you who you have on FB but not unreasonable for someone to be a little offended by that.

If someone unfriends me and I happen to notice, I make a mental note that this person is not arsed about me, but I would never dream of mentioning it, still less demanding an explanation.

lljkk Thu 13-Dec-18 17:19:39

lol. Come on, go for boring truth. "Nothing bad happened. Just wanted a simpler social media networks. It's nothing personal. I'll stay hello at nursery."

It's your social work for the day. Will probably blow her mind.

ALemonyPea Thu 13-Dec-18 17:20:43

"can't say, for security reasons, they're always watching, so deleting this before they see it" and block her

Theperfectchangeling Thu 13-Dec-18 17:22:58

“That said, it’s never necessary to unfriend. You can put them on restricted to stop them seeing your stuff, and unfollow so you don’t see theirs, but you avoid offence.”

Not sure I agree, I can tell if I have been restricted, and find it weirdly passive agressive, especially when technically they can still see your stuff!

I say, rip off the plaster. Just delete! grin

shearwater Thu 13-Dec-18 17:24:23

How can you tell if you've been restricted?

DunkandEggAgain Thu 13-Dec-18 17:24:44

Just ignore. You don't owe her explanations.

halfwitpicker Thu 13-Dec-18 17:27:47

She's replied "Why what's happened?".

Manic stalker?
A serial killer is after me after I've been tracking her ever kill (oh how I long to be Sandra Oh)?


Say 'I can't say'

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 13-Dec-18 17:30:47

Youve given your reason for deleting her, now be brave OP, and ignore.
Don't give her any fodder for her cannon .... 😄

corkandwood Thu 13-Dec-18 17:33:18

Why on earth did you lie and say it is for security reasons? Why didn't you just tell the truth (minus the jibe you made about her). Just say you were having a clear out and limiting to close friends and family. That was true, believable and didn't open you up to questions you can't answer. To be honest, I would now tell her the truth, apologise for the silly lie about security reasons, tell her you can see now that was stupid, and tell her the truth. You decided to limit to close family and friends. If you have done that to make your feed more manageable, tell her that. Say it's nothing personal.

She's obviously not in a good place if you deleting her has bothered her so much. So be kind. The truth about limiting to close friends is the best and least hurtful option.

My Dad's advise I have found to be helpful, 'when in doubt, tell the truth.'

Theperfectchangeling Thu 13-Dec-18 17:36:51

“How can you tell if you've been restricted?”

Usually pretty obvious when someone posts regularly then all of a sudden you can’t see any new posts!

onefootinthegrave Thu 13-Dec-18 17:38:12

Liz62 you beat me to it

'If I told you, I'd have to kill you' grin

CryingMessFFS Thu 13-Dec-18 17:41:24

“Who did?” cracked me up because it’s exactly what my sister would reply.

She’s asking what happened OP cuz she’s nosey, that’s why she was bothered you’d unfriended her. Just ignore now. Or make up a really dramatic story

CryingMessFFS Thu 13-Dec-18 17:41:56

Who dis* not did doh autocorrect

GreenMeerkat Thu 13-Dec-18 17:42:02

I wouldn't say anything. You don't see her anymore, you have deleted her on Facebook so why should her opinion even matter to you anymore?

Delete the message and move on.

Ribbonsonabox Thu 13-Dec-18 17:44:24

Just dont reply further. She sounds very odd and intense.

Bunnymumma Thu 13-Dec-18 17:50:18

Jesus titty-fucking Christ. If she has the time to ask you, she's answering her own question.

What self respecting adult gives a shit about this kind of teenage crap? Good for you for getting rid. I can only imagine what her status updates must be like.

You may have guessed that I haven't had FB for a looooong time...

SummerGems Thu 13-Dec-18 17:51:37

Anyone who notices and then messages someone after they’ve been unfriended needs to get a life. It’s facebook.

I would just say that you’ve decided to cut back just because and leave it at that.

I’ve recently unfriended a few people because of various reasons:

One I unfriended because they keep posting those cut and paste statuses you know the “anyone who knows someone with cancer/mental health problems/<insert health condition of choice> and then states that of course only their true friends will read yada yada yada. Got sick of them so have started to unfriend people who post them. That’ll make me not true friends right enough. grin.

Someone else I unfriended because she posted some dramatic update which led me and others to thinking something was seriously wrong, turns out that she was posting dramatically about a tv programme and got most offended when it was pointed out to her that people had assumed there was something wrong (a family member of hers is seriously ill and the status implied they’d been rushed to hospital). I unfriended after she directed comments comments and comments of vitriol at me. She then messaged me saying that she was glad I’d unfriended her because I got on her nerves. grin so right decision on my part there.

Tbh, it is a little personal - you don’t see her as important enough to have her on FB. Up to you who you have on FB but not unreasonable for someone to be a little offended by that. rubbish. It’s facebook and not the real world. If you never engage, never speak to them online or offline then it’s not unreasonable to assume you no longer have anything in common and just step back. We don’t owe anyone anything on facebook.

GrubbyHipsterBeard Thu 13-Dec-18 19:06:42

summergems I know we don’t owe anyone anything on Facebook which is why I said it’s up to the OP who she has. That’s a separate issue to whether someone is entitled to feel a little put out that someone has signalled they aren’t interested in maintaining a link even by social media.

Someone doesn’t have to have done anything wrong for someone else to be a bit upset.

I think the issue is some people see FB for close friends and family. Others see it as a way of staying in touch with those they don’t really see in real life. I am the latter - there are people I like but don’t really see, but am still interested to see their news, if they’ve had a child etc

7salmonswimming Thu 13-Dec-18 19:16:30

“Why what’s happened”

“I had too many FB friends”


SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 13-Dec-18 20:24:15

Well, you've ignored advice on here, and made it more complicated for yourself by telling a lie, when you take have just said it was to simplify to family etc, and she would (probably) have accepted that. So, not much sympathy, but now your only option is to say 'the secret service do not comment on proceure' fgrin

iMatter Thu 13-Dec-18 20:31:58

Just tell her you've been on the receiving end of some stalker type behaviour and then send her a Paddington stare GIF <helpful>

GunpowderGelatine Thu 13-Dec-18 20:36:49

To be honest, I would now tell her the truth, apologise for the silly lie about security reasons, tell her you can see now that was stupid, and tell her the truth.

Nah fuck that. I'm not apologising!

I ignored her (TBF I've spent a painful hour helping a 5yo write 13 Christmas cards to her classmates, then it's taken another 2 to recover) and she actually replied "U OK hun?" 😂 I said yes fine thank are you? 😬 stepping away now

Anyway what does everyone think of my new earrings?

fringegrin45 Thu 13-Dec-18 20:38:37


WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Thu 13-Dec-18 23:45:07

Maybe you should have sent her a pre-deletion notice before doing so, by taking your cue from the great Greek poet Homer*:

"Welcome to My-Facebook Dumpsville. Population: You" grin

* At least, I think it was that Homer....

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Thu 13-Dec-18 23:52:45

Surely people realise that you move through life and associations come and go, don't they?

The much more rational question for her to ask would be why should she leave me on her Facebook? All we ever really had in common is that our kids went to the same nursery at one time, but neither they nor we see each other any more.

I got bored with Facebook very quickly (and don't like how it stalks you and stores up your data) and don't use it at all now. Fair enough lots of people do, but some folk really need to understand that it's not real life and you shouldn't use it as a barometer of popularity (not that you should expect to be particularly 'popular' or important to somebody from whom you've since gone your separate ways anyway).

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll Fri 14-Dec-18 00:08:58

Every time she texts you, reply with one of the following (in rotation, if she questions and/or persists):

"Pyotr informs me that the roses are blooming in Leningrad this Spring"
"Tonight we go to the mattresses - always respect omerta"
"You keep telling me that killing isn't the answer, but you never explain WHY"
"You are such nice person - I do hope sixth chamber not come around for you"

Then wait a minute and send another text: "So sorry, I think I sent you a message by mistake that was meant for somebody else - please delete it and, if necessary, deny you ever saw it or know who I am."

DarlingNikita Fri 14-Dec-18 16:04:19

WeBuilt, that is GENIUS.

FurryDogMother Sat 22-Dec-18 21:17:37

Those who were asking about Facebook Purity - you can read all about it here - it's an unofficial add-on that allows you to customise your feed and take control of various other aspects of Facebook. I've been running it for a couple of years on my FB and not found any issues as yet!

doodlejump1980 Sat 22-Dec-18 21:23:37

Wtf is Facebook purity?

freshfoodpeople Sun 23-Dec-18 12:13:19

Facebook Purity. Very easy to download/instal and set up for your own needs. I mainly use it as an ad blocker, but it will also tell you if someone has deactivated their account or unfriended you (amongst other things).

freshfoodpeople Sun 23-Dec-18 12:15:24

she actually replied "U OK hun?" 😂 I said yes fine thank are you?
Brilliant! Replying as though her question was genuine concern.

Hezz Sun 23-Dec-18 13:20:33

I'd say if you need to ask why I'm afraid I can't tell you. Please delete this message as soon as you've read it.

Keep them guessing OP, keep them guessing wink

BooHasAPressieForYou Sun 23-Dec-18 13:30:18

I had this 6 months ago, I just decided that my Facebook was going back to actual friends and family who I would want to see my photos etc and anyone else was binned off.
Queue a dad and daughter duo who we knew when we lived across the country over 10 years ago messaging me. The simple fact is I was never all that keen on either of them. We had nothing in common. They had asked us down to visit and we once dropped in but it reinforced why I was never keen before. They had invited themselves to our house a couple of times by saying they wanted to send a card and then turning up unannounced.

I ignored the pair of them so they messaged DH to moan. So he deleted them too grin

I don't get this constant need to collect as many randoms or acquaintances you've not seen or bothered with for years on Facebook. I've seen people with over 500 friends! How is that possible?

I think now if I got a why did you ditch me needy message, I'd reply "look at needy message sent. That is why".

Anothermothersusername Sun 23-Dec-18 13:45:53

I walked past a Facebook friend in Sainsbury’s recently. We both saw each other and neither of us said ‘hello’. We were friends until middle school and then drifted apart. This thread has made me think I might actually start deleting some of my contacts. The worst ones are work contacts. I’ve had a few friend requests from various people at work and I’ve always been too embarrassed to ignore. But then it means I feel restricted as to what I can post about online. It’s starting to feel like social media is taking over so much of my time I’m getting sick of it so I might come off FB altogether and when my phone finally dies I won’t be replacing it / will be getting a very basic phone

BalloonSlayer Sun 23-Dec-18 13:57:24

"Security" does not have to mean James Bond etc.

You could say "it's to stop unwelcome exes tracking me down on FB via a friend of a friend of a friend."

Thatsalovelycuppatea Sun 23-Dec-18 18:39:44

I totally agree with you. Some mums stopped talking to me completely when I did it. I just thought it was a right cheek adding me and then not making the effort to get to know me on the playground. Glad my dd is at high school now and don't have to see anyone!!!

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