Would you have children if you were me?

[Kyratzis]

I know this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me, and there are lots of similar threads on here (I've read them all!) So I don't know how helpful starting another one will be, but here goes.

I'm in my late 30s, so it's decision time. I'm married, we've been together ages and are happy just the two of us. Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not. I've never been someone who wants or is interested in children, but nor am I someone who really strongly doesn't want them. Most of our friends have kids and we enjoy spending time with them, but not so much that it makes us want them too.

I have a lot of interests and am always very busy, and I'm a writer at the very beginning of my career (first book came out this year). I know that if I don't have children, I'll be very happy just carrying on as I am, and will obviously have a lot more time to write, which is my total passion, though not my day job. I know loads of people combine creative work with children, but I have a feeling that it would fall by the wayside given that I probably can't make a living doing it (I'm a poet, so not going to be rocketing up the bestseller lists any time soon).

When I put it down in writing like this, I can't see why I WOULD have children, but there is still something in the back of my mind that can't commit and say, nope, definitely not doing it. I think it's because I'm really close to my family so don't understand why I don't want to, and also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them. I don't agree with that voice, but it's there nonetheless!

[Needallthesleep]

I'm not sure whether this will help, but it sounds like we are maybe similar. I am someone who has a very busy life like you. Lots of hobbies/interests/busy social life etc. I always wanted a family, and had my first child this year.

Coming to terms with the fact that I can't do those hobbies as much as I would want has been the hardest transition. I still struggle with it a lot. It seems that for friends who didn't have as much going on having a baby has been much easier.

However, having said that, as she gets older and easier I'm getting back into my hobbies (spending about 2/3 of the time I spent prior children). My social life is better than ever actually, just different. And needs a bit more planning. I adore my daughter. She is my world and I'm so glad I had her. But I like it when she goes to nursery and I can be me again.

So I guess my point of view is that I totally understand the fear of having your passions interrupted by a baby. But I don't think you have to say goodbye to that side of you.

Having said that, it sounds like you will have a wonderful life without children.

[Kyratzis]

Thanks Needallthesleep - that is really helpful.

[Redskyandrainbows67]

Yes do it. That niggling doubt will only turn into regret.
There’s never a right time to have children and just because you are happy ar the moment doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Do you have to be unhappy or unfulfilled to start a family?!
Perhaps you might be more suited towards having just the one though?

[Kyratzis]

Also - congrats on your new baby and it's great that you're getting back into hobbies! I wouldn't mind cutting down on time I spent doing my own things (obviously, I would want to spend time with my child!) I guess I just don't have that 'always wanted a family' feeling to push me to actually make the leap.

[cjt110]

My husband and I were 27 and 42 respectively when we had our son. We had been together 10 years and married 2. We had a house, cars, stable jobs etc.

We used to go out at weekends walking, seeing car shows, generally pursuing our hobbies. Evenings having a takeaway or meal at the pub because we could.

Holidays abroad twice a year.

Our son is now 4. I wouldn't change him, or having him, however our lives have changed a LOT. We do hardly any of the stuff listed above because of bedtimes, routines, and just being knackered. We had a rare lunch out just the two of us and a comment was made about how we used to go out for tea all the time "when we had a life"

Our lives now are get up, dressed, drop DS off at school, work, home, get DS into bed, go to bed and repeat.

He enriches our lives tremendously and is the most loving boy you could ask for. He is also very headstrong and stubborn.

My one bit of advice is don't rush into having a child because the clock is ticking, or you feel you should. With the greatest hindsight, I wish we had waited some time and done a bit more. But that said, then we wouldn't have our wonderful boy.

(Please note I suffer/ed horrendously from PND and this may be why my post sounds rather sad)

[Kyratzis]

x-post with Redsky! Thanks - dh thinks we should have just one if we do go for it. Also I'm kind of old so just one might be sensible.

[Redskyandrainbows67]

To be honest - you might find your decision made for you. You never know how fertile you both are until you try. It’s good to be ready. But deciding to have a child definitely doesn’t guarantee one.

[Kyratzis]

Thanks cjt110. Your post doesn't sound sad, but I hope you're recovering. I wish I could wait until I'm 50. There's just no time to fit everything in in life!

[Kyratzis]

Redsky I wish the decision was made for me! I think if someone said I couldn't have a child, I'd accept it easily. But equally if I got pg by accident I'd accept that too and probably be excited as well as scared.

[Spankyoumuchly]

You need to have a think as only you know if that's what you want.
I didn't even think about having a child with additional needs. I thought they'd be 'normal'. It's really difficult and damaging to my relationship with dh. It's socially isolating and you blame yourself and worry about being a bad parent. You may get ill yourself from the stress of parenting them, as parenting books don't cater for your special needs baby or child. You have to do so much extra parenting as the usual amount won't help them or keep them safe. Sometimes it's so overwhelmingly hard I could run away. My ds falls between services and we have no family support. I love him and I constantly advocate for him to get what he needs and do his therapy and constantly research for ideas to help him. I can't work as he needs constant supervision.
It's something to think about. Would this be the life for you? I wanted children a lot, if you wanted to know.

[Kyratzis]

That sounds so hard Spankyou. Thanks for your post - definitely something to think about. I've seen so many people (mainly on here) say 'only have children if you really want to, because it's so hard'. But OTOH, I know lots of people are ambivalent and just go for it because they're worried they'll have regrets.

I'm a bit more worried that I'll regret the child, and would feel so guilty about that. Esp as I already feel guilty for not having any yet and not wanting them.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

OP, I was very much like you. Also freelance in creative industries, finally getting 'somewhere' in my mid/late 30s. Had a serious conversation with my other half who said he really wanted to try for a child, and if I felt very strongly I didn't, then we shouldn't be together. In the nicest possible way.
It was important for us to lay down some ground rules about earnings and work time, housework and child care. It's very easy for the freelancer with the irregular income to pick up a lot of slack since they are "there" anyway. Young children are poorly nearly 20% of the time, who will take time off to care for them? How can you justify childcare costs if you don't even make enough to cover them every month? In our case we downsized and my OH cut his working hours for the first 2 years. We also invested in a lot of child care otherwise I would have lost my sanity.
Are we happier now with two DC? Yes. But it's also been really, really tough with a lot of resentment sometimes. It's hard to carve out and justify a full time career as an artist or writer when you don't bring in a full time salary a lot of the time.

[Kyratzis]

Thanks vanellope. I do worry the creative stuff would have to stop because it's not how I earn my living. I have a job I like, but the writing is what I do in my spare time. It's a hobby that's also my passion and that I do get paid for, but a pittance!

[kenandbarbie]

I think you sound happy as you are. You are fulfilled with your relationship and poetry and don't want to give it up. What's wrong with that? Kids are full on, they change you. If you aren't really bothered I don't think you should feel like you have to have kids.

[immummynoiam]

I agree with vanellope and needallthesleep on all their points.

How much practical help would you get from family?

We got none and at times I have felt totally stuck but my dh also hasn’t coped well with being a parent, especially the second one so idk how much that affects my views.

I’ve a friend who has 2 boys and seems (per Facebook) to be still going full bore on her extreme sports hobbies, I do think a lot of it depends on your network and how much you plan and if people can stick to plans.


One is also easier than 2, definitely!

[Chrisinthemorning]

I felt similar, wasn’t sure but the thought just kept crossing my mind. DH wanted a child more than me tbh. We ttc and mc quite soon and after that I was desperate to be pregnant.
After a further 3 years DS was born, he is the light of our lives. We are sticking at one for lots of reasons but havingbone is the best way to ensure you get to still have a life imo

[Kyratzis]

immummy we'd get no regular help from family, we're two hours drive or more from all our family members! We do see them all a lot though and I reckon they'd help out on the occasional weekend.

[Kyratzis]

immummy also I'm not a planner at all. I hate planning anything and the thought of all the daily grind of planning stuff to do with children horrifies me. I'd suck it up though, obvs.

[immummynoiam]

That’s something - I found the first 3-4 years per dc very hard - you just can’t do anything spontaneous, everything has to be planned, what felt like constant child sickness, never getting enough sleep and being woken but I do think in my case I expected my dh to do half, and he had no such expectations.

It really is a tough call, good luck with what you decide.

[DoraJar]

No I wouldn’t if I were you

[Aria2015]

It's a tough one. I felt the same as you re having a child but didn't have the great career (only so so but i adored travelling and the freedom to go out and about and had a fantastic relationship with my dh. I took the plunge (leap of faith) and now have one child and I'm actually super maternal (exclusively with my lo). I enjoy it more than i could have imagined and am so glad i did it BUT of all the things it affected, my work was a biggie. I dropped my hours (because i wanted to) but juggling work and a family is hard and makes me feel torn. So having a baby would probably impact your career but you’ll always have a talent for writing so if you did have a child, it may slow things down career wise but you’d be able to pick things up again. Everyone says it, but time flies when you have a child and in a few short years they’re at nursery and school and you get quite a bit of freedom back. I suppose how you’d feel about motherhood wouldn't be apparent unless you did it but in my experience there isn't a correlation between been broody and enjoying it.

[Kyratzis]

Dora good concise answer

I'm going offline for a bit but will be back to read/reply later or tomorrow. Thanks all, this is helpful.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

Think about it like this, do you want to go the rest of your life without ever being a mother? Would you be happy with that?

[Kyratzis]

Chugga yes that would be fine. It's not something I've ever felt strongly about.

[Kyratzis]

A lot of women in my family never had children so I guess I've had strong non-mother role models, as well as mother ones