6yo lacking confidence and missing out on fun :(

[NotplumAlan]

My son is 6 (just gone into Y2). He is a bright kid, does well at school and his teachers say he is popular with the other children. I’m obviously a bit biased, but he is good company, chatty, funny, kind (mostly!) and affectionate. He’s lovely with younger children and older kids like him too.
The ‘problem’ is that he doesn’t want to do ANYTHING other than be at home with us. He’s tried activities, usually at his own request, but then he will refuse to go back.
I feel sad for him that he’s missing out on a lot of fun and friendships - my older DC suffered with shyness too but have enjoyed a few different clubs and activities and were more independent than he is when they were in reception!
There’s no reason that I can see for him to be like this. He went to nursery three full days a week and loved it, he settled into school fine, no problems at the childminder. He has spent some short periods with grandparents/family friends without me or his dad and been fine. We are divorced but live close, share parenting 50/50 and often chat about this and ways we could help him.

One thing I have noticed is he seems to have really low self esteem, he’ll say ‘I can’t do that’ before he’s tried, or ‘I’m stupid!’ if he isn’t instantly brilliant at something. I don’t know where he gets that from :(
We offer him loads of reassurance and encouragement and I thought he’d grow out of it, but no sign of that so far.
Am I just being unrealistic about six year olds? I feel like I’m totally fucking it up and I didn’t realise until I wrote this post how sad I feel about it.
I’d really appreciate any advice, or suggestions for activities that might be an ‘easy win’. A solitary hobby even, just something to boost him. He’s got good coordination etc so it’s not that, although he’s not keen on sport so far. He likes playing ball with us but wouldn’t kick a ball around by himself.
I wasn’t expecting to write so much! I guess it’s really bothering me.

[wanderings]

I was that 6yo who would frequently decide I "couldn't" do something: tie shoelaces, ride a bike, swim. Most children don't remember the process of learning to walk or talk, so I suppose some children they think they were born knowing how, and anything they can't immediately do they decide they "can't" do. Having said that, I do also remember the triumph when I did crack something I had told myself I "couldn't do". But I didn't learn to persevere with things until much later.

My suggestion would be: every time he says he "can't" do something, you could gently add "...yet". Keep reassuring him that learning takes time. Remind him about things he couldn't do when he was younger. Tell him that adults need time to learn things as well; if you asked mummy to e.g. walk on a tightrope, she wouldn't be able to do it straight away; she'd have to spend a lot of time practising first. At that age, he probably still thinks that adults can do anything and everything.

Does he like making things? Is he creative?

[NotplumAlan]

Not really 😞 he has beautiful handwriting and is great at colouring but isn’t very interested in actually doing anything creative. I have one who is always off drawing or reading, the house is full of stuff to play with. He does make up little rhymes and stories so I think maybe when he gets more confident/faster at writing that might be something he’d enjoy doing.
He likes music and me and his dad both play instruments, but again he’s not really interested. He was playing the piano the other day and I sidled up to him and said how great he sounded, we had a chat about it and I suggested trying a music club but he was like NOOOOO.
He loves TV and gaming, where he can get immersed in a different world, and he loves to be read to/with, but he’d never just read a book himself, I have to suggest it. He can’t seem to play by himself, even building Lego has to involve a parent/sibling/friend. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. He does play nicely with others.
His attention span seems fine (better than mine possibly!).
Maybe it’s just his age, he’s not seven until the summer. Talking to friends they seem to have similar with their youngest boys but I don’t know if they’re just trying to make me feel better...

[NotplumAlan]

Sorry @wanderings, I meant to say thank you! I always lacked confidence too but was bullied from playschool onwards so assume that’s why. I’d always have a go at things though.

[wanderings]

He sounds a lot like I was at that age (I have a very vivid memory of childhood). The trouble with my parents suggesting things to me was that I had a habit of rejecting their suggestions almost on principle, I was very cynical child and I remember feeling like I was giving up control by agreeing to something, even at six years old, it no longer felt like "my" activity. One cunning way my parents got round it was to get other people to suggest things to me, such as aunts, grandparents, even teachers. Maybe that's worth a try?

I think that you or somebody needs to try to explain to him in advance that new things don't always go well at first, but they can get better if he sticks at them; if he's tried lots of clubs and only gone once, perhaps that was because the very first time wasn't as good as he expected. I doubt if he has low self-esteem when he says "I can't", I think he just hasn't yet understood the process of learning and getting better at something; and I'd imagine many people don't fully believe in their ability to persevere until much later.

[NotplumAlan]

That could be part of it, he cracked a lot of stuff fairly early with seemingly minimal effort.

We don’t let him pack things in until he’s been at least twice (or you know, preferably once he’s assured us he likes it and we’ve paid for kit/subs!) We are gentle but firm about it and XH has spent hours of his life hanging about cos he asked him to stay, even though nobody else’s dad had to read a book in the car park/pissing rain/whatever...I saw a photo of my mates DS (his friend too) at beavers camp last week and cried (alone in private obviously!) because he could have been doing that. He likes the idea of stuff, even seems to like it while he’s there, but then he just refuses to go back and we have tears tantrums etc. I feel awful and don’t think it’s fair on coaches etc to saddle them with him.

Just to add - we are loving but not especially indulgent and tears and tantrums are not the norm for him.

[DrDiva]

You could be describing my 6yo. He is starting to come out of it, with a mix of reassurance and just telling him he has to get on with it sometimes! This picture was a help, I was introduced to it by a childminder.

[NotplumAlan]

@DrDiva thank you, that looks great! For some reason it hadn’t occurred to me to discuss this with his (brilliant) childminder, but she might have some ideas/resources herself, so I will.