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How do you know when to let a relationship go?(8 Posts)
Set up a new account as this is going to be long and outing, and in chat so it disappears. In the past I've let relationships go on for much longer than they should and I'm scared it's happening again.
Background, if anyone's interested: I've been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. He works in a school; I don't. Two years ago I've bought a flat in an expensive place, so I have very little money as I'll be renovating and paying down the mortgage until next year. He's still renting a room and saves some money, and has much lower outgoings. He says he wants to buy with me, but he's never shown interest in living together in the past, and I feel his primary interest is financial (I would be paying most of the deposit and he can't afford to buy alone) rather than wanting to be with me. He's said he wants separate rooms as he sleeps badly.
He works in a school; I don't. Shortly before we got together, he decided he wanted to spend all his holidays from school abroad, in various far-flung places, backpacking. He still does this as much as possible, and it makes me miserable. He misses weddings, parties, general summer time together. Sometimes we holiday together but it's always to places he wants to go, in his style (he's more of a backpacker and wants to spend days travelling whereas I'd rather still explore, but am not so keen to tick off ten sights a day and stay in bedbug hostels). I can't afford to holiday as often as him and also have much less time off (six weeks to his thirteen per year). He has been away for 5-6 weeks every summer since we met. I've accompanied him on two of them.
He's a supportive, caring, handsome, sweet man, and we love each other. I trust him, and I know he doesn't want to be with anyone else or to break up. I like how he wants to make life better for young people and how he wants to see the world.
I'm 31 and he's 36. I want to be married some day, and maybe have children, and he's not keen on either. When I say I'm unhappy with how much he's away, he shuts down the conversation and goes offline, or in real life storms off. We came to a compromise about the summer that he'd spend half his time with me but that's been forgotten about.
I'm worried he'll never compromise on the holidays and I'll spend all of my summers alone or doing what he wants to do. From next year, I'll have the money to go with him, but not the time, nor inclination to do it so cheaply and in such a rushed manner. I'm worried we'll never get married or live together unless it's done in a way he wants, to benefit him. I worry I'll regret staying with him and not having children.
He's away all summer again and I'm unhappy, and I think I want to end it because I feel like he never puts me first. But am I being foolish in thinking it could be better with someone else, and letting someone who loves me go? He's fundamentally a nice person but I feel he doesn't understand the need to compromise in a relationship, and never will. He's very independent and stubborn (to an extent, so am I). I am his first girlfriend so he's not had to compromise before.
Sorry it's so long. Any advice appreciated
Definitely end the relationship. He can’t give you what you need.
It really matters. He could um and ah for years feeling undecided about kids, at which point it will be very hard for you to have any.
He can’t give you what you want and need, so why sacrifice that in order to supply him with everything he wants and needs?
Tbh a lot of what you’ve mentioned is compromise and things you can navigate over time- but marriage and kids aren’t compromises. If you ultimately want different things in life then don’t waste each others time and move on.
I think you already know the answer, OP, don’t you?
If he was the totally compatible love of your life, made you a priority, cared about your wishes, or made even a single compromise in life style for you, you wouldn’t be asking for opinions on here!
Ask yourself why you’re his first girlfriend, when he’s 36. Ask yourself if you want to be home alone and childless in ten years time, while he’s still backpacking round Asia.
Then ask yourself why you haven’t dumped him already!
I should probably add that having children isn't a hill I'd be prepared to die on... If a relationship was really good and my partner didn't want them, I'd be happy not to. I just feel like I might regret it if we break up in five years and I've missed my chance (am likely to have fertility problems).
He says he's open to marriage but I am pushing it further away by being unhappy in the relationship. I know he doesn't want a big wedding and sees the benefits as primarily financial.
I just want to feel like my partner puts me first and actually wants to be with me as much as possible
Better chance now than later.
The gap between your interests and avaliability (holiday time) is far too wide without him making significant compromises which he hasn't for over 4 years. That's not going to change willingly and would probably break down at some point.
You've given him a fair chance. Time to find someone more compatible.
Oh gawd ! You're 31, don't waste any more years on him.
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