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I don't want to upset her. But she's so nosy!

(19 Posts)
didyouseetheflaresinthesky Sat 11-Aug-18 10:37:26

I'm having CBT for anxiety, depression and possibly PTSD and my mum is so nosy! She is forever asking me how it was, what happens, what do I talk about etc. Now this is fine except for the what do I talk about.

If I try to avoid the question or answer in general terms she asks what I'm hiding or why so don't want to tell her. She uses the But I'm your mum guilt trip and is hurt when I don't want to tell her.

I have explained some of what I'm doing as it's CBT so quite a practical therapy but some stuff I talk to my therapist about is intensely private and there are secrets I don't ever want her to know.

She means well but doesn't believe in depression and is getting very curious as to why CBT for anxiety is taking so long. I don't want to upset her as she is trying to help in her own way but just can't comprehend that the constant prying isn't helpful and then I'm the bad guy when I snap at her. I live with her so struggle to just avoid the topic.

How do you tell someone to butt out politely?

TurnipCake Sat 11-Aug-18 10:53:40

"Everything is fine, thank you"

Repeat till she's bored of asking

GreatDuckCookery Sat 11-Aug-18 11:38:38

Very insensitive of her. You could be blunt and tell her that it's private and you're not going to discuss any part of it so please stop asking. Hopefully she will take the hint.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky Sat 11-Aug-18 12:57:15

Tried that. Then I get the What can be so private that you don't want me to know, I'm your mum. You're obviously hiding something.

It's like she thinks I'm still a teen who has to tell her everything.

NinetySixer Sat 11-Aug-18 13:22:54

My mum is like this. I started leaving the room when she would ask. Then started leaving her house if she pressed further.

I would also ask her deeply uncomfortable questions about her private stuff.

It worked. She now doesn’t ask.

FlibbertyGiblets Sat 11-Aug-18 13:27:21

Well for future you know to not tell her anything remotely important. She can't keep her beak out so there you go.

Current situation - you could say the therapist has indicated that you need to funnel through them and no one else, could impact on the effectiveness so please stop asking, it is unreasonable and rather unkind for you to carry on probing. Reduce seeing her, reduce opportunity for grilling. If she grumbles, tough.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky Sat 11-Aug-18 13:28:12

I'll try making her uncomfortable and see if the penny drops. It's just frustrating. What do you talk about with him that you can't talk about with me?

Um, isn't that sort of the point?!

kaytee87 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:30:02

Maybe she's worried you're talking about how overbearing she is?

Fatted Sat 11-Aug-18 13:31:19

Tell her it's her that's the problem that you've been talking about. She will quickly change her tune then!

staydazzling Sat 11-Aug-18 13:35:00

Could you just tell her to stop being so nosey? In a half joking way? I did that with my DM once and it worked, shes a pryer. I just said "oh fgs stop being so bloody nosey!" Half exasperated and joking it did work for me.

IsItThatTimeAlready131 Sat 11-Aug-18 13:59:06

"Mum, we're currently talking about the pressures other people put on me to tell them everything I am talking about."

Loopytiles Sat 11-Aug-18 14:03:13

Broken record technique: “I’m not going to discuss this further. please respect my privacy.”

And/or: “you seem to be annoyed/upset that I won’t discuss details of my treatment with you. Is that the case? Why?” (Then turn any responses back to her”)

Rebecca36 Sat 11-Aug-18 14:12:51

People often don't understand the nature of any sort of counselling, the strict confidentiality of it for example so they will ask.

It's best to just say what goes on in the counselling room stays there and that is part of the comfort of it so please don't ask questions. It might work :-).

I'd be interested to know, in due course, how effective you have found CBT,

DisplayPurposesOnly Sat 11-Aug-18 14:22:54

Even when you were a teen, you didn't 'have' to tell her everything -even if that's what she led you to believe-.

I'm quite blunt so I'd be just telling her it was private straight off. If she pushed it, she'd get an earful grin.

But you're not me and this might not be the right time for you to start setting firm boundaries. Just tell her your therapist has told you you shouldn't discuss what you talk about your therapy sessions with anyone. Then in future, "Oh mum, you know my therapist has told me not to discuss it."

didyouseetheflaresinthesky Sat 11-Aug-18 19:40:49

I don't want to offend her or hurt her feelings but rather just gently rebuff the questions in a way that won't cause a row or bad atmosphere.

aldgadgie Sat 11-Aug-18 19:44:15

My therapist told me not to discuss what I spoke about with anyone. Then talk to you therapist about your mums lack of boundaries if you feel you want to.

Knittedfairies Sat 11-Aug-18 20:29:58

‘Mum, what goes on in the therapist’s room stays in the therapist’s room’.

Upsy1981 Sun 12-Aug-18 09:05:30

Sounds like she might be worried you are discussing her! The whole point of therapy is a safe space to say whatever you need to. I would be polite initially, but then get quite firm. She isn't worrying about upsetting or offending you, so I wouldn't worry about her.

chatwoo Sun 12-Aug-18 09:13:13

"I'd rather not talk about it just now."

Rinse and repeat!

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