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Imaginative threats for children (lighthearted)

(30 Posts)
wanderings Fri 10-Aug-18 14:58:05

What threats do you remember hearing that were obviously nonsensical, or that you would give to your own DCs?

I remember a primary school teacher whose stock threat was "or you'll find yourself in deep water. Hot."

When my 4yo brother wouldn't stop playing with his hair, our nanny threatened to put ribbons in it.

Also things like square eyes, growing a tail, ears, fur, etc. My dad also warned me against warming my feet by the fire, "or you'll get your feet burnt off like Pinocchio".

DieAntword Fri 10-Aug-18 15:00:34

My dad always told me if I got a kitten he’d drown it. Wanted one for years but never got one because I believed him.

Yeah... he hasn’t got it in him to drown a spider let alone a kitten.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Fri 10-Aug-18 15:02:33

I threatened to whisper in DS ear while he slept , who got killed by Negan in The Walking Dead if he didn't behave !

We were on holiday , I peeked online to find out.
I would never have told him, no spoiler alerts , but it kept him just on this side of good (He was nearly 16 grin )

wanderings Fri 10-Aug-18 15:45:22

@70isaLimitNotaTarget Wow. I have to hand it to you, that is crafty, a threat that might make a 15-year-old wobble!

LaconicIcon Fri 10-Aug-18 16:35:37

You’ll get a cherry bottom.

I used to threaten mine with a Chinese burn

PamPooveysCow Fri 10-Aug-18 16:38:35

Ddad used to say "I'll rip your leg off and beat you to death with the soggy end".

He's quite placid really grin

emwithme Fri 10-Aug-18 16:53:14

@PamPooveysCow my mum used to threaten the same except it wasn't my leg but my arm, particularly if I was touching something I shouldn't.

MVLipwig Fri 10-Aug-18 16:54:25

I do like a classic I’ll have your guts for garters. Depending on age of child you may have to explain what a garter is.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore Fri 10-Aug-18 17:00:06

My dad used to tell us he'd boil our heads! Not taken seriously...

Yoksha Fri 10-Aug-18 17:28:38

My gran used to threaten us with an evil huge man called '40 pocket', if we didn't sleep whilst staying over.

She'd tell us he had a huge great coat adorned with child sized pockets sewn in. Ready to dispatch naughty children to wherever?

I'm nearly 62 now, and still shudder at the mental picture.

I did do some digging as an adult. It transpires that the flats were converted from what used to be an army barracks during the Napoleonic wars. There was a tale about a soldier who hung himself after some battle. It was in and around the closet in my gran's bedroom. I still have dark dark dreams about that house.

GingerPCatt Fri 10-Aug-18 17:32:45

My mum used to say “go get me a stick to beat you with”. I tell DS I brought him into this world and I can take him out. He just giggles

itsBritneyBeach Fri 10-Aug-18 17:38:47

My mum used to tell me "if you're naughty we'll eat cabbage soup for the rest of the month"

I was obsessed with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at the time and cried as I didn't want to be like Charlie Bucket grin

Bananalanacake Fri 10-Aug-18 17:46:34

I'll give all your toys to the children's ward in hospital. Said my mum.

MVLipwig Fri 10-Aug-18 19:19:03

In a similar vein, if anyone asks me where something is, it’s always ‘up your bum/arse and round the corner’. Language adjusted for askers age

Hastalapasta Fri 10-Aug-18 19:22:50

One I regularly used with my kids was ‘if you don’t behave I will give you your own bedrooms ‘! This was great until the spring when DD decided she wanted her own roomgrin

AveAtqueVale Fri 10-Aug-18 19:22:57

I occasionally tell DS1 I’ll defenestrate him. He can’t say it properly so told a visitor the other day he isn’t allowed to draw on the walls ‘or mummy will venerate me.’

I also tell him I’ll shoot the boots off him, which is something my DM and Grandad used to say to DSis and I when we were little, and he finds that hilarious. He also firmly believes he’ll get square eyes if he watches too much TV, but that’s kind of backfired, as now if I say he’s had enough he goes and checks the mirror and tells me his eyes aren’t even a little bit square yet so it’s safe to keep watching hmm.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Fri 10-Aug-18 19:34:27

I threaten to cut off parts of their anatomy, usually their legs, with a rusty bread knife.

wanderings Fri 10-Aug-18 19:34:44

Alarm clocks were one of those childhood objects I was a bit afraid of, especially the ones with bells on top. There was an alarm clock kept in the kitchen, whose alarm I never heard, but once my mum bizarrely threatened to set it, saying it was very loud.

I think I also heard the threat "or your shoes will walk away without you", perhaps said to a child who threw them to one side instead of putting them away.

"If you take your shoes off in the car, you'll go barefoot when we get out." My dad followed through on this.

An obscure one: when watching someone ringing church bells, we were told to stay back "because if you touch those ropes, you might fly into the air". I thought that was a bluff threat! blush

Coldhandscoldheart Fri 10-Aug-18 19:41:11

@wanderings not a bluff threat!
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-42758670

wanderings Fri 10-Aug-18 19:49:11

Another one from the "you'll find yourself in deep water" teacher: when a child asking what an electrical cable in the classroom was for, the teacher gave the irritable reply "to go round your neck!".

A favourite classroom game was guess who was speaking in a funny voice. Everyone wanted to be the guesser, in spite of the teacher's threat that anyone who peeped out of their blindfold would go blind for ever.

In one children's book, a witch threatened "...or I'll frogify you!" My brother kept repeating this, but he couldn't say "frogify". I remember also being fascinated by Mary Lennox's threat to Colin in the Secret Garden: "If you scream again, I shall scream louder!"

UrbaneSprawl Fri 10-Aug-18 19:53:01

If you want nonsensical, my DF was once told at school, “you’re skating on thin ice, and will soon find yourself in hot water”.

He would always threaten us with “marmelisation”, an unspecified punishment assumed to be roughly equivalent to a fate worse than death (a typical useage being “stop that racket now or I’ll marmelise the pair of you”).

He would also make cryptic references to handing us over to the Six Mile Bottom Reenactement of the Life of Moses Society (I grew up in the Fens).

Thistledew Fri 10-Aug-18 20:23:36

I read somewhere of a teacher who was landed with a particularly unruly class of teens. At the beginning of term she calmly informed them that she had read every single book in the Game of Thrones series and for every incident of bad behaviour would reveal a spoiler from the next episode in the TV series!

DS is only two, so the worst threats he gets are that I will pin him to the bed and cover his face in kisses, or put him on the floor and stomp on him. Unfortunately neither seems to be a dire threat- he often asks for "More domps" and will lay at my feet so I can tickle him with my toes.

wanderings Fri 10-Aug-18 20:37:19

@Thistledew The question is, did the teenagers call her bluff and start asking her questions about it? Perhaps she replied icily "I ask the questions".

Of course, when we learned about Victorian schools, they were a gold mine of threats.

HJE17 Fri 10-Aug-18 20:40:48

I went to a French government-run school in Canada. Teachers would threaten students who misbehaved with “you’ll be kicked out and will have to go to a Canadian school”. Oh, wow, a Canadian school... soooooo scary! :p

Hoppinggreen Fri 10-Aug-18 20:43:30

I like to threaten to demonstrate The Floss in the school playground at pick up

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