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Random embarrassing things you've said completely by accident?

(203 Posts)
WinterIsComing84 Wed 08-Aug-18 17:14:36

Earlier I was shopping with a friend, and I wanted to suggest popping to Fat Face. Instead, what came out of my mouth was 'Fat Dick'.
I have no idea why, and can assure you I wasn't thinking of dicks, in any way, shape or form.

Can anyone help me to overcome my embarrassment by sharing other equally awful/awkward things that have escaped your lips by accident?

PuddleglumtheMarshWiggle Wed 08-Aug-18 17:35:27

"Why are you washing your balls in the sink?"
Dh likes to juggle as a hobby and that day the garden was quite muddy. Very innocent comment but when overheard, out of context, by a friend in the living room lead to an amusing conversation!

MintGreen Wed 08-Aug-18 17:39:00

Reading Room on the Broom to my DS and one of his 2yo friends, got my words mixed up and accidentally said "the bitch tapped her wombstick and whoosh they were gone!" blush

WinterIsComing84 Wed 08-Aug-18 17:40:53

Mint that's one of DD's favourite stories... No doubt that'll stick in my mind next time we read it! blush

Clevs Wed 08-Aug-18 17:41:27

I have referred to patient's relatives incorrectly at work on numerous occasions. Referring to a female relative as their mother and it turns out to be their sister etc. Also referring to a female as the patient's sister and it turns out to be her girlfriend. I now just ask 'what relation are you?' to avoid embarrassmentgrin

Coconutcreampie Wed 08-Aug-18 17:52:08

Back in the days of sending people things via Bluetooth me and a large group of friends were laughing at a funny tune on my phone at our local. A random man at the table next to us asked what was so funny and if I could send it to him. I replied "sure, are you turned on" meaning has he turned his Bluetooth on...... V embarrassing

BananaToffo Wed 08-Aug-18 17:57:54

Not me, but I remember a thread years ago where a cat-owning MNer said that when she went to visit a new boyfriend she said to his excitable dog, "I bet you can smell my pussy, can't you?"

blush

DuggeesWoggle Wed 08-Aug-18 18:04:28

When I was a primary school teacher we were doing a project on the Vikings and I was taking a cross-curricular approach, so I decided to make the PE lesson into a training session for a platoon of Viking soldiers. So I was barking out orders to the children, calling them 'Private Smith' and 'Private Jones' etc. The kids loved it initially but after a while started faffing around and I was losing them. There wasn't much time left and my colleague was coming in to use the hall shortly with his class. I shouted at them to be sensible, adding 'Mr XXX will be coming in with his privates soon!' Cue much hilarity from the children and embarrassment from me. Didn't help that the teacher in question was old enough to be my dad and was just a generally old fashioned (and very nice) chap.

Another time I told one poor girl that she looked like a 'glamour model' as she was dressed up a bit that day. Thankfully she was too young to really know what it meant but I do hope she didn't go home and tell her mum blush. (Obviously I didn't mean she looked like a page 3 girl but it just came out!)

It was the same poor girl who was singled out when I was trying to get the class to listen. 'Come on, you need to look a bit more engaged. You see, Y is engaged!' Cue sniggers and asking the girl in question who she was engaged to. Poor girl, hope she didn't have the mickey taken too much afterwards.

I also told one boy to 'shit down' when I was a bit flustered. blush

Although I did have a good comeback when one particularly annoying boy asked me why I had sweaty armpits (I was doing an action song in front of the class on a hot day). I came right back with 'it's from the stress of teaching you Kyle' (for that was his name).

I am no longer a teacher blushgrin

Trinpy Wed 08-Aug-18 18:19:11

I once spent a whole afternoon with a friend of a friend before I realised she had an obvious baby bump. Feeling embarrassed in case I seemed rude for not having mentioned it I blurted out 'oh I'm so sorry I didn't realise you're pregnant!'.

She wasn't pregnant.

ToeTouchingTitties Wed 08-Aug-18 18:48:23

While ordering work wellington boots for colleagues, I asked them what size willies they wanted.

yesmrcartwright Wed 08-Aug-18 19:21:39

Used to work in a bar and we had a regular customer who liked to smoke propping up the end of the bar, one particular day as I passed he had a cigarette dangling from his lips and I commented that he looked like popeye, cue deathly silence from all around.

He had a false eyeblush

AlbusSeverusMalfoy Wed 08-Aug-18 19:29:57

Not me but every time I see this I chuckle

Stracat Wed 08-Aug-18 19:39:52

I held open a door for someone at work. He said thanks. I tried to call after him "you're welcome" and "no problem" at once, and ended up loudly shouting "You're a problem!" as he walked away...

Coconutcreampie Wed 08-Aug-18 19:48:34

Walking into pets at home in a rush to get some cat food and passed a stand with a lady trying to get people to donate to an animal charity. My husband is forever berating that I'm unable to stop signing up to donate to numerous charities so I've been trying to be more assertive. We make eye contact and I ready myself to say "no, not interested" and impress my husband who is trailing behind me. Unfortunately instead of her asking something like "do you have a minute" or "could you donate" the lady says "do you like animals? " at which point a loud and assertive "NO" comes out of my mouth and I keep walking before it registers what I've said and how that would be a weird response from someone who is in a pet shop. My husband couldn't stop laughing.

JovialNickname Wed 08-Aug-18 19:49:09

There was a famous classic MN incident where the poster was taking her moany toddler to the doctors. In the waiting room she meant to call him a whiny little tinker but accidentally called him a tiny little wanker instead

Coconutcreampie Wed 08-Aug-18 19:50:47

Walking in the wood with my husband and kids, it's a lovely day and there's lots of families about, and I see a bunch of dandelions that have the white seeds u can blow, I've forgotten the name of them and the kids are a bit ahead of me and I don't want them to miss out so I shout fairly loudly "who wants a blowie"

elf1985 Wed 08-Aug-18 19:53:50

I got a kitten recently and was discussing it with a customer at work. I left the conversation by saying very loudly "I'll let you know when my pussy comes!"

SocksRock Wed 08-Aug-18 19:56:03

Boss phoned me yesterday and said "oh, are you in the office? I need to talk to X or Y and they aren't responding to emails"

Me "no I'm out on site at the moment"

Boss "those two are like the bloody chuckle brothers"

Me "what, dead?!?"

Boss " "

Boss "I'll speak to you later"

LighthouseSouth Wed 08-Aug-18 19:56:23

I think mine might be the worst blush

we had free tickets to a play that was absolutely incredibly overwhelming and awesome. Met one of the actors on the walk back to the station, she was lovely and totally engaged in talking to us about the play and I blurted out "oh it's been such a brilliant evening and really nice to meet you - and we only came because it was free!" blush

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry Wed 08-Aug-18 19:59:26

I work in a school and was asking the students to hand out the equipment nicely. Meant to say don’t fling it/ chuck it but it came out “don’t fucking chuck it”.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Wed 08-Aug-18 20:07:24

I tried to jokingly tell someone they were a philistine but accidentally said they were a paedophile. I was aware I'd said something wrong because they looked confused, but I didn't recognise what I'd said until the conversation had moved on, so I just let it stand!

Loopy9 Wed 08-Aug-18 20:09:36

Not me... last week at the pub quiz the quiz master asked how many penises were there in a guinea grin we howled for a long time..

(Should have been pennies in a guinea!)

Aprilshowersinaugust Wed 08-Aug-18 20:12:54

My quite new friend had no legs, more than once dropped a massive clanger, mentioned an issue where the person didn't have a leg to stand on, and other inappropriate things. blush

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 08-Aug-18 20:13:46

I could fill pages with mine.

I should have been a circus contortionist, I'm so good at putting both feet in my mouth

BarbraDear Wed 08-Aug-18 20:15:21

I think this is a fear of many but on two separate occasions I've asked for a blow job in the hairdressers instead of a blow dry.

Have also said 'you're so fine' to a very important person as I was about to say 'oh, that's fine' but muddled it with 'you're welcome'. He was more embarrassed than I was.

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