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If you get on with dil/mil....

(64 Posts)
gillybeanz Wed 20-Jun-18 14:19:46

What do you put this down to? Luck? Good management? etc.

Atm, I'm getting on well with my future dil, they are engaged and expecting first child.
So far I haven't come up with a reason not to like her, and I take her side when I know she is right. i love her to bits and want to continue the relationship we have.
I don't expect her to confide in me as an additional mother, she has a lovely mum and lots of sisters for this.
I keep my distance, don't butt in where not needed and have no pre conceived ideas as to what type of gp's they want us to be.
I never take her for granted, and offer help and support even if she doesn't need it.
So far they have included us in their planning and when considering things. I told her about Mnet so maybe she will see this and know it's me grin

I'm not saying this is the reason we get on, just deliberating really.
What makes you and your il get on well?

RabbitsAreTasty Wed 20-Jun-18 14:23:59

Respectfulness of each other. We don't feel like we are in competition with each other. Knowledge that we are not really friends in the true sense, we didn't choose each other, but we look for ways to like each other. Total avoidance of hot topics where we know we have fundamentally different attidudes.

gillybeanz Wed 20-Jun-18 14:27:38

That's really good and how I feel about dil.
Friendly towards each other, but not friends, she's more than 25 years my junior.
I'm going to remember your avoidance of hot topics, haven't come across any yet, I don't think.

BelfortGabbz Wed 20-Jun-18 14:40:30

I get on with my mil by not making her feel she's playing second fiddle to my Mum. She is just as important to my children. I always try and include her in family functions and visit often.

She in return treats me the same. I go on trips with her and my sils, came back from a long weekend away last week.
It's lovely to have her and sils as friends, I only have a brother so never had the sister thing till now.

birkenstocks4ever Wed 20-Jun-18 15:11:26

I get on really well with my mil. From day one she's been interested and involved without being in my face. I think she had the opposite experience with her own mil so was very aware of not trying to take over particularly when we had kids. I love her, we see her regularly and have taken her on holiday with us. I consider myself very lucky

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown Wed 20-Jun-18 15:22:45

That's good you that if asked you'll say who you agree with. My MiL will never ever say anything against her son, my husband. And will never ever stick up for me.

My husband and I adore each other but whenever we do have a disagreement my mil makes it quite clear whose side she is on.

anotherangel2 Wed 20-Jun-18 16:11:30

My MIL can be controlling but generally since I had DD she has been much better. Don’t make any demands for mother day, MIL does my Mum doesn’t and we tend to see my Mum more. Don’t over step the mark eg buy Father Day’s for your son. My MIL has never criticised my parenting and has always been suppprtive and offered parenting advice unless asked.

6demandingchildren Wed 20-Jun-18 16:18:39

I get on with both my son in laws, even though my son has split from his husband we still get on very well and he still calls me mum.
My Dil from son number 2 I get on with, things between her and my son went bad when she was pregnant and they split up and I didn't see my granddaughter until she was 18 months, but they are back together and expecting child number 3 and she pops in regularly and I hold no grudges.
Daughters husband to be is a darling as well.
Son number 3 girlfriend is controlling and my son is under the thumb, I am not as close to her as the others but I'm friends with her family, but there is time to build on a relationship with her.

DontMentionTheWar Wed 20-Jun-18 16:30:38

I love and get on with my mother-in-law for lots of reasons but they mainly boil down to the fact that she's a very kind person. She is also very fair so if DH and I fall out she will take my side if she thinks I'm right. She's very different to me in lots of ways but we respect each other and care about one another and we have enough in common to really enjoy one another's company most of the time. There's been a couple of times (in twenty years) that she's interfered slightly, but it has mainly been through worry and when we've talked it out she's always seen my point of view so it's never been a massive issue. Most of the time she is completely respectful of us, our choices and the way we live. I love her a lot and prefer her to my own mother by far.

Notagainmun Wed 20-Jun-18 16:33:52

I love my DIL almost as much as my own DC but I don't expect her to love me as a mother. I just hope she likes me and thinks of me as someone she can rely on, so far she seems to.

We message each other funny memes and things we think the other would enjoy but we don't hang out just the two of us.

First baby is due soon and I try to make her and DS know that I will be there for them all not just the new baby and they can tell me to butt out if I am calling over too often (never unannounced).

BeyondThePage Wed 20-Jun-18 16:34:54

my MIL and I get on well enough - we both have the ability to tolerate each other's differences and put up with petty niggles without building mountains out of molehills...

It helps that she thinks I'm wonderful grin - even though I'm not really - I just make a helluva good impression.

PepperSteaks Wed 20-Jun-18 16:35:27

When I used to speak to my MIL I used to like how she asked after my family :-)

ShesABelter Wed 20-Jun-18 16:40:08

Yes I do. Shes kind, treats me with respect and talks to me like im her equal. Isnt over bearing. Doesnt think the sun shines out my husbands arse and if hes been out of order about something will happily say to him. Doesnt infere with our way of parenting the children or undermine us.

However I started going out with my husband at 15 and she has been like a second mum so we just get on.

Namechange128 Wed 20-Jun-18 16:43:10

I saw a really good article about MILs feeling sidelined after the arrival of their son's baby (at least until childcare is needed!), and a point that really resonated with me is that when the woman's mother shows up, she wants to see the child but is also occupied with the comfort of her daughter. Many MILs turn up and often with the best of intentions give all their attention to the baby - the DIL can easily feel judged, or just feel that there's not a big upside to having her around.
My MIL is lovely and I definitely notice that she makes an effort with me, hopefully she feels the same in reverse! Unlike half the posters on MN, I really wish my in laws lived closer and visited more - though perhaps that's also because my own family is also overseas, so I pathetically grateful to anyone who helps us!

LML83 Wed 20-Jun-18 16:44:17

In what way are they not considering you?

you sound great. My MIL is lovely and similar to yourself. I plan things with my mum as I chat to her more, she suggests ideas I see things I know she will like. I don't deliberately exclude my MIL. Plans wirh MIL are more routine as for example we visit most weekends. Making it habit works for us.

Tiddlywinks63 Wed 20-Jun-18 16:46:04

I get on really well with my DDIL, very much along the same lines as you OP. From the very beginning I have regarded her as one of the family and I know I'm very lucky.

My MIL was a totally different kettle of fish ☹️, hated me from the start and made it very clear that was the case.....

purpleorchidwhite Wed 20-Jun-18 16:53:28

I adored my MIL. She was a second mum and we were very close.

Sadly she died young and I still feel the loss sharply.

We had very different view points at times but always strived to find common ground.

She was gentle and supportive. Never over bearing or opinionated.

We miss her terribly.

ZispinAndTurmericLatte Wed 20-Jun-18 17:05:35

A bit of distance. I don't mean this in a nasty way!

My MIL is a nice person and we get along fine, but if she was as over-invested and familiar in our daily life as she is with DH's siblings', I doubt we'd have the same peace and harmony. We've usually lived a bit further away from DP's family anyway, but I think it stems from DH having set up his own independent life young anyway, instead of batcheloring it out at mum's place, and getting used to mum still doing his laundry and cooking his food as a grown man.

Otherwise just mutual politeness and respect, I guess. I know I have many different opinions from MIL's, for example, but we don't get into heated conversations about things we disagree on. Each to their own.

SharpieHorder Wed 20-Jun-18 17:08:17

It's a relationship you can be deceived by IME, and have a false sense of security. During one phase in your life everything may seem ok, but then if something changes like PILs health, finances or family allegiances then they can turn. Don't be complacent just because you think things are alright now. You have been randomly brought together IYSWIM and are first in line to be disposable. Sup with a long spoon, etc.

HildaZelda Wed 20-Jun-18 17:09:55

I've just about had enough of my MIL to be honest. The only reason we 'get on' is because I've kept my mouth shut for too long. The day is coming however when I'm going to lose it and that'll be it once and for all.
The only reason I haven't done it so far is because I don't want to upset DH.

I get on great with FIL. He's a complete gentleman. Couldn't meet nicer.

Singlenotsingle Wed 20-Jun-18 17:17:19

Name change - and I'm pathetically grateful that my Dil accepts all the help i offer, and asks for help when she needs it. I shed tears when they first told me about the pregnancy, and I love them all to bits. Hopefully she knows I've got my own life as well, though, and I'm not thought of as interfering.

GreatDuckCookery Wed 20-Jun-18 17:30:17

I don't put it down to luck, no. I get on well with DIL and we are good friends but I think it's down to us both putting in effort and being respectful to each other.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood Wed 20-Jun-18 17:37:31

I like my MIL. She is great with the kids, a real genuine help, supportive but makes it clear that DH and I are the parents. We had a few niggles when we were planning our wedding as she was obsessed with all things etiquette but that was years ago and has no effect on life now (fingers crossed will continue!). She gives advice when asked but otherwise keeps mouth firmly shut. Doesn’t stress about every little thing about the DC and is generally laid back when they tantrum etc.

My parents are the opposite and that is the reason I get on so much better with PIL. Every decision is questioned, every sniffle is worried over and they undermine discipline angry.

AliasGrape Wed 20-Jun-18 17:44:40

I get on well with MIL, mainly because she’s a lovely, kind person who has always been very welcoming and will always help out if she can. I don’t talk to her about any issues in our relationship or complain her about her son, she will jokingly tell him off or roll her eyes at me in mock frustration, but I know if I actually seriously criticised him or told her something he’d done ring she wouldn’t like it, and I don’t need to as I have my own family for that, though sadly no longer my own mum.

I try to include her and share things I think she will like with her, I will suggest having them for dinner or hosting on Mother’s Day or whatever, but generally I leave DP’s relationship with his parents up to him. I personally would have made more effort for my mum’s birthdays, Mothers Day etc, DP is very much a last minute card and supermarket flowers type, but she’s his mum not mine and I’m not going to fall into taking over presents etc because I’m ‘better at it’. But I’ll pick up little things she might like to say thank you when she’s helped me out, or text to ask how certain events have gone, and if I bake something she/FIL might like I get DP to take some round or we both do.

She talks my socks down and isn’t shy with the opinions of what we should be doing or how we should be doing it, but it’s always well meant and she accepts it if we don’t follow her suggestions and never holds grudges if we don’t agree. She’s ever so thoughtful and is always supportive of me without trying to force anything.

Gregpenguin Wed 20-Jun-18 17:45:47

I hate mil threads makes me so sad I haven’t got one and she never got to meet her Dgd and dgs. 😪

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