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Where do I go from here

(16 Posts)
crapp Wed 13-Jun-18 16:13:27

Hi,

Wasnt sure whether to write a thread on this, its my first time talking about it online. But I figured I have nothing to lose really unless people write horrible replies :/ so here it goes. Writng this out I feel very very stupid because of how bad its all gotten.

Last year I got involved with a new friend he introduced me to loads of his friends and all was OK. Then I was assaulted by one of them and its impossible to describe everything thats happened but I ended up oweing them money and I hd to meet them each day or every other day and the situation got out of hand. It all sounds so stupid now and Im kicking myself for it.The sitution got complicated and I ended up being scared of them but unable to refuse meeting them. I dont want to type everything out but I genuienly ended up living in fear for most of the time, caught up in situations I hated and also being assaulted/groped/not by just one person.Some of it was quite severe and a lot of these people are frightening and very very different to my friends and the people I'm used to being around.

Last month I was assaulted quite badly and I ended up getting help and I was given as ISVA and she has been helping me, I've met her two or three times but at the last time Ibroke down and lost it like I nevwer have in mylife before. I couldn't stop crying and it was like everything bad that had happened over the past few months came out and everything I'd never talked about. It was like a dam had broken and I felt completely out of control and crying like I never have before in my life. I told her tonnes of stuff. Later that day she phoned me. She said I either should go into a refuge or was there anywhere else I could go.

To cut a long story short I went to stay at my mum's she is abroad at the moment. But since Ive had time to think its like Ive realised how bad things have been and the whole thing has scared me.

I dont want to live frightened like this, Ive had to switch my phone off for about 23 hours out of 24 and I'm scared to get text messages or phone calls.

I feel all of this situation came about because of loads of reasons but I think the first assault left me messed up then I made stupid decisions and hung out with the wrong people, I also have a bad foot and knee injury which has meant I haven't been able to walk more than a few minutes for the past few years which has been really limiting and caused a tonne of problems. I have struggled to hold down a really difficult job (basically cold calling) to earn not very much money each month, every day trying to stay away from my overdraft limit and the charges. It has been impossibly hard.

I feel exhausted, unwell, in pain, and like I've had some kind of breakdown. These men used me, they felt they could do what they wanted with my body and what I wanted didn't matter. They twisted so many things I believed them at the time, I don't now. They weren't my friends.

Some of the stuff I've seen, heard, and had done to me makes me scared that I will never get over it, I may as well try to explain properly rather than allding to it as I name changed so I could talk openly and try to find a solution. It was basically low level assaults(apart from the bad two) for a lot of the time, threats, being locked in houses and cars. Some of thehouses were disgusting beyond anythign I've ever seen before and at some times I was scared they were going to kill me. That is what I think has affected me - that level of fear a lot of the time. I'm out of this situation now.

Sitting here feels surreal and I just don't know where I go from here. I don't want to feel frightened like this. My life used to be good, I was happy, had nice friends, I did normal stuff, went out to the countryside, went for meals, enjoyed doing normal things. It turned into like something out of a horror film, disgusting degrading and vile.

I feel broken.

All I can do is carry on with work and to try and put it all out of my mind, focus on other things I guess.I am meant to go for the rest of the sexual health follow up on Friday and that is what kicked all of this off last week - I completely lost theplot and flipped out during that which is what led to me saying all of the stuff I thought I'd never say.

I'm scared I'm not going to get back to how I was before and I want that so very very much. I want my old life back so very badly. I want to be happy. I am trying so hard to put it all right but I'm scared it won't be enough. In the day I'm ok but when the light starts to change and it goes dark I get scared.

Am sorry to write such a long thing and I'm worried I'm going to get horrible replies telling me I was stupid - I know. How do I fix it and how do I go back to how I was before. Nothing feels the same.

Stephisaur Wed 13-Jun-18 16:17:35

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through.

Call your phone company and ask to have your number changed. That way, these people will not be able to contact you. I had to have this done when I was receiving hateful text messages from an unknown sender and it was easily done.

Did you report these people to the police? If not, you really should. If you have done (is that why you have the ISVA?) what are THEY doing to protect you?

This is not your fault and you will get through this. Big hugs <3

LanguidLobster Wed 13-Jun-18 16:57:01

That sounds really awful.

Are you seeing the ISVA again?

crapp Thu 14-Jun-18 00:06:46

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

I'm seeing my ISVA later this week I think. And I think we are going to try to come up with a plan to make sure things stay as they are (i.e. stay safe). I'm ok in the day it's when the light starts to change and it goes dark in the evening that I start to feel bad and then panicking in the night.

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 04:07:52

sorry topost just cant sleep and sitting up pondering life and wondering why im so useless.

im scared im going to end up homeless. i dont claim any benefits but i only earnt £1187.45 so far this year since 1st january. it isnt a good situation.

the otherthing is a few years ago i got to thepoint i got scared of going to shops and my bmi dropped to 12, i ended up sectioned and in hospital for 7 months and im scared its going to happen again.i keep panicking. i dont know what to do. everything i worked so hard for im scared im going to lose it and everything is coming crashing down.

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 04:10:25

i also havent seen my isva which is my fault i totally fotgrot she said that if i went to the examination on friday she wouldnt be able to make it on that day, i onyl rememberedwhen she sent a text saying she couldnt make it. otherwise i wouldnt have chosen to go on that day, i dont want to go (its meant to be today at 2:30) i dont know whether to just not go and to jsut drop everything, i dont know wat to do.

Jackyjill6 Fri 15-Jun-18 04:44:01

Could you ring to rearrange your appointment to a day when your ISVA or someone else could come with you?

MrsJonesAndMe Fri 15-Jun-18 11:04:51

I don't really know what to say as it all sounds horrendous. Can you confide in your mum? Do you have anyone who can support you?

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 18:04:04

hi my mum is abroad at the moment.
i did go today but it went really really badly and i shoudlnt have gone,i cant cope with it and having that kind of examination makesme feel suicidal. ive decided im not going back to any of it, what i wanted was for all of what was going on to stop,ive given it a few weeks and its still the sameapart fromthe days i had at my mums, it hasnt changed anything thats still carrying on now im back here. i dont see any point in going any more if its not going to help change that.

Snuppeline Fri 15-Jun-18 18:43:27

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. You are a beautiful human being and you did not deserve what they did to you.

You are very brave to have got yourself out of that situation - well done. Now keep asking for help from you ISVA.

Going to the sexual health clinic for an examination without anyone to support you must have been awful. I am still glad you did go as it is important to document what has happened to you and also to safeguard your health. So if you weren't able to go through with the examination please return with someone who can support you.

These men who have treated you so callously, so despicably, they are predators. They are the lowest of scum. They meant you harm. It is they who are to blame and not you, you did not deserve to have harm come to you.

hidinginthenightgarden Fri 15-Jun-18 18:52:46

It sounds like you have been groomed OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you get some support. Counselling could be very useful in the long term.

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 19:15:43

i wish i had never, ever gone to that clinic, i didnt think id react like this afterwards else i wouldnt in a million years have gone. i wish so very badly i hadnt gone. i tried to clench up so she couldnt start the examination i didnt want it.i wish i had never gone there i cant cope with how i feel about things now. i just wish at 12 o lock when i was deciding id mde a very different decision. my isva had said earlier on to go to the sarc instead i dont know if that would have been any better orwhether they both would have been bad but this was really bad. i hav never reacted like this, this badly to anything and it is reallyfrightening me and i just feel pathetic. im scared how out of control i feel and i dont knowhow to stop it. sorry. i dont know what to do. i hate all of this so much.

BifsWif Fri 15-Jun-18 19:22:15

I am so very sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you know that none of this was your fault, and it does sound like you were groomed.

I have no advice, the things I would suggest such as speaking to your GP seem too little but if you are suffering from some PTSD they can help refer you for talking therapy. Do you have any real life support?

With regard to housing, I work for a housing association and I’m happy to give you some advice if you would like to PM me.

We’re all here if you need to talk flowers

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 21:32:41

i dont reallyunderstand how i could be groomed seeing as im an adult,it seems a bit ridiculous :/. one thing i will say though that is a problem is everyhere i goi attract and seem to get approache dby men, not nice men, i dont know if its beause i look upset, or nervous, or what it is, but its a few times a week and its not nice. im feeling really down about the whole thing because i dont see how to change it now.

crapp Fri 15-Jun-18 21:33:49

sorry, that came across not how i meant. i just feel dismayed and sick at the whole thing right now.

BifsWif Fri 15-Jun-18 21:44:20

You can absolutely be groomed as an adult. Do you think some counselling would benefit you?

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