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The thought of sex with a man makes me shudder - and I can't work out why.

(66 Posts)
duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:02:02

Because I was married (twice!).
Because I see men in the street who I think 'oh he's nice looking' - until I try to imagine the sexual intimacy bit.
Because I've been single, by choice, for a long time and I would like that to change.
Because I had quite a wild time (with men) during my young adulthood.
Because there are no physical reasons that I can't, and I don't have any issues with my body being older and a bit more wrinkly in places.
And because it upsets me and even therapy hasn't really sorted this one out - besides I'm a bloody therapist myself which is why I'm here because sometimes you just need a bit of anonymity.
And so as not to drip feed, I have wondered about my sexuality but I kind of assumed that I'd just KNOW if it was that.
Anything by way of a response would be great, thank you.

kaytee87 Tue 12-Jun-18 20:07:22

Well how do you feel about sex with women? Maybe you've just completely gone off sex altogether?

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 12-Jun-18 20:10:47

I'm not sure you would 'just know' - plenty of people don't - but there's nothing to stop you dipping a toe in those waters, and equally no reason why you should feel like sex with men. Right? I mean, it's perfectly ok to feel you don't fancy it.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:13:13

Scared is how I feel about sex with women.
But not as scared as the prospect of going off sex completely. And not that scared that I'd be prepared to sleep with a man. FFS.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:14:17

I feel really distressed about it.

annandale Tue 12-Jun-18 20:15:56

So something made you choose to be single; what's changed now? What do you see happening in your future non-single life?

Did you actually enjoy the wild time? More than marriage? Do you have a bit of an Apollo/Alan Titchmarsh complex where some men are great for a cup of tea in the conservatory and some are sex gods and they can't be both?

Fairylea Tue 12-Jun-18 20:17:29

Maybe you just haven’t actually met anyone you really, really fancy?

It’s okay to go off sex. Not everyone is as fascinated and into sex as the media would have everyone believe. I’ve had periods during my life where I’ve completely and utterly lost interest in sex. I think it’s more normal than people think!

LanguidLobster Tue 12-Jun-18 20:18:39

But it's fine though if you don't want to for a while.

Why is that distressing?

GnTtime Tue 12-Jun-18 20:26:50

When you say "shudder" how do you mean? What is it that goes through your head?

I'm bi, but don't particularly like the thought of sex with men, but enjoyed it (sometimes) during. I always liked the thought of sex with women, but before I actually had sex with a woman, if someone had asked me how I felt about the idea, I would have said scared, so it's interesting you say that.

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 12-Jun-18 20:30:01

YY, me too GnT.

Miladamermalada Tue 12-Jun-18 20:33:25

I took a long time to realise I was gay. At school I never had butterflies about boys. I would admire girls' figures but not realise it was attraction. I never felt anything when I did get male partners but I thought that that is how all women felt.
I always needed emotional and nurturing support from women, even as a teenager. I wondered if I had mother issues for a long time but fact was I loved feeling cared for by a woman, being held by a woman and eventually kissed by one too.
I knew I was gay when I was married but didn't see a way to live the way I wanted. It lead me to make a huge mistake because I didn't recognise what love from a man should feel like-because I was indifferent, I confused not being loved back with abuse and ended up trapped for years.
Not wanting sex with a man or fancying one could mean trauma, it could mean you are asexual. Close your eyes and imagine kissing and being held by a woman and your gut will tell you. Most women I know drool at our local bike race where the guys have their knees out. They would also be repulsed by the idea of snogging a lady!

HeedMove Tue 12-Jun-18 20:33:34

The thought of sex with random men makes me shudder too. I wouldnt want to have sex with anyone until wed built up a relationship and I trusted them.

Did you enjoy sex in your marriages, did you fancy and want them?

Miladamermalada Tue 12-Jun-18 20:34:38

I'm bi, but don't particularly like the thought of sex with men, but enjoyed it (sometimes) during.

You would enjoy sex with a vibrator because that's how our bodies are made, doesn't mean you are attracted to men though.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:35:38

I think I didn't really have a great time, no. I think I'm distressed because I didn't stop to ask myself if that was what I wanted.

Now I know that and this doesn't feel like a phase to me. That upsets me too.

Yes, I have male friend who makes great tea but that's it for me! The last man I was with some years ago, he was one of those who turn heads in the street. But I had to end it with him because it just wasn't working sexually for me.

LilahTheTiger Tue 12-Jun-18 20:37:21

an Apollo/Alan Titchmarsh complex where some men are great for a cup of tea in the conservatory and some are sex gods and they can't be both?

Sorry to derail, but this has made me genuinely roar grin

Try women, OP. If you feel you need to.

However I'm firmly convinced if I wasn't with DP I'd probably not bother. It is a faff.

LilahTheTiger Tue 12-Jun-18 20:39:09

Maybe try some saucy lesbian novels, see what happens?

Miladamermalada Tue 12-Jun-18 20:39:50

It's ok to regret not being proactive in saying what we want during sex. The thing about being gay is that you don't realise what you don't want because you don't know what it is you do want.
So you can just be uncomfortable with it all.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:50:02

Oh, it took so long to write that last reply I see there are other posts.

Well so that is really interesting. 'Shudder' is something I do when I imagine a man's naked body near me, on me, the act, kissing, him touching me and vice versa, the whole thing. So when I was married sometimes I did enjoy the sex but more often than not I had to force myself and imagine things, including that there was a woman. So this means that from my early 20s I have been struggling with this and I'm a fair bit older now.

I like women, I feel comfortable with them, in the main. I don't know what the scariness is about, GnT I need to think about it.

Miladamermalada Tue 12-Jun-18 20:54:55

You need to find some gay friends. And particularly, when you are ready, for someone to guide you at your pace. All gay women have been there. It's a lot easier to come out these days.

TheFifthKey Tue 12-Jun-18 20:55:58

I would say though that I’m 38 and I’ve never found a man’s body attractive until I met my DP! I mean, I’ve liked their bodies because they’re them, if you see what I mean, but I certainly never thought/fantasised about them when they weren’t there, never wanted to see a naked photo of them and in many ways found them a bit off putting and, well, yuk. Whereas my current DP, he’s not got a male model physique or anything but I just love his body, looking at it, thinking about it...and I really never thought I’d feel like that about a man. I never understood that drooling over footballers or rugby players or men with their tops off, ever! So it might just be a case of finding the right man. Maybe.

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 12-Jun-18 20:56:07

It'd be very normal to be scared, though, because almost everyone is scared about new things to do with sex, and also because, I would imagine, you'd be worrying about possible female partners thinking you were inexperienced, or not genuine, or whatever. This isn't to say you should worry, but I understand why you might.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 20:56:19

So yes, I look at women alot. Sometimes I look at what seems to be a hetero couple and I like the look of both of them grin

I'm distressed that I may never have intimacy with another person, maybe I have to rejig my beliefs about what intimacy is?

Miladamermalada Tue 12-Jun-18 21:00:13

In that couple which do you look at first? For me it's the woman. I've had boyfriends just because I liked their sister or mum or something. I didn't know that, but it's obvious now. It was never about the man.

duffbeergoggles Tue 12-Jun-18 21:00:40

All those things LRD. All of them.

GnTtime Tue 12-Jun-18 21:01:38

Well I suggest you're scared because you haven't been there before. The fear of the unknown maybe? You could be worrying that you might not enjoy it afterall or even worrying that you might.

Try to relax. There's nothing wrong with you.

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