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Shitting hell. I’m being an arse without meaning to be

(46 Posts)
NcedForThis Sun 10-Jun-18 21:51:33

NC as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about it.

I’ll start by saying I am suffering with infertility, have been told I will likely never have my own child and it’s broken my heart and am struggling.

My friend, lovely friend, who’s son is my Godson, has just had her 2nd DC 9 days ago. It’s hurt me more then I expected but I haven’t obviously told her this! (She’s actually the only person who knows about the infertility) but she’s named Him the name that I had earmarked since 15 for my DS (she knew it was “my” name) and fucking hell, it has hurt so much. It feels like it’s the universes name of saying I’ll never have a DC to name this. (Yes I fully appreciate that’s nuts)

It’s not “my” name. I don’t own a bloody name. She can use any name she wants! The only thing that matters is that baby and she are well.

But I’m so disappointed and angry...not at the world but I’m going to see them next week and I’m so worried that I’ll cry or say something stupid or be a cunt, that I don’t know how to move past this

Help. Please!

Rocinante1 Sun 10-Jun-18 21:58:16

My closest friend (met in nursery and stayed friends forvever) is infertile. When I got pregnant, I told her away from everyone else and brought booze so she could scream/cry - whatever she needed to do. I was fully prepared for her upset, and anger. I knew it wasn't me she was angry with, it was the situation and I didn't for a minute feel annoyed at her being upset and angry. She needed to let it out.

When I had my baby, she was over the moon... But obviously upset. I let her be upset, and just hugged her. She needed to mourn for what she wouldn't have, but it didn't mean she wasn't happy for me. I didn't hold her anger against her.

If your friend is as good a friend as you say, she will let you feel however you want and she will be there for you. You are allowed to mourn.

Slanetylor Sun 10-Jun-18 22:01:40

Many friends have told me their baby names. I’ll be honest and say I’ve forgotten almost instantly. It won’t have been intentional.

Viewofhedges Sun 10-Jun-18 22:04:32

I've no words of wisdom on how to be nice about this OP, but as someone who also can't have kids I just wanted to say I think it's perfectly understandable that this feels so raw for you. No matter how far you are right in theory that no one "owns" a name, bloody hell, you're allowed to feel crap when things like this happen.

My experience of infertility is that my friends with kids absolutely do not get it and don't understand how it feels. So my advice would be to find people who do get it and let them sympathise. You can try to tell your friend at the right time, but don't expect her to really empathise. At the same time, don't feel guilty /wrong/weird for how you feel - it's part of the grieving process as you grieve for the life event you may not have. So your feelings are normal. 🍷For you.

Mishappening Sun 10-Jun-18 22:05:21

It's OK for you to cry with a good friend who understands what you are going through. Your feelings are your feelings and as such are valid and important. I am sure your friend will understand.

And I can understand why the name thing has caused you pain - I know it lacks logic, but I know that I would have felt just the same. flowers

mayhew Sun 10-Jun-18 22:06:42

I had a similar experience. I have one child but couldn't have another. A friend called her second child the name I'd earmarked for my second.

Poor woman didn't even know I'd chosen that name! I cried so much.
Really I was mourning the reality of my secondary infertility.

Wolfiefan Sun 10-Jun-18 22:06:47

I don't think you're being an arse in the slightest. You're not going to rant and rave at her. You're upset. You're grieving the DC you had pictured having. That's normal.
Could you delay seeing her? Would she understand that? I would if I was your friend.

Worriedandunsurewhattodo Sun 10-Jun-18 22:07:56

You are in no way being an arse OP. flowers for you.

I would have a little chat about it when you see her and if you get upset I'm sure she would completely understand.

BrutusMcDogface Sun 10-Jun-18 22:11:35


Seekingaslapbabktoreality Sun 10-Jun-18 22:13:34

Do you think maybe she chose the name BECAUSE you will never use it... out of love for you? She might have the best intentions but she should have asked you first.

pallisers Sun 10-Jun-18 22:17:19

Many friends have told me their baby names. I’ll be honest and say I’ve forgotten almost instantly. It won’t have been intentional.

I agree with this - I doubt it was meant to hurt you or targeted at you. So sorry for what you are going through OP. It is hard.

Crinkle77 Sun 10-Jun-18 22:22:29

I can totally understand why you are upset. I can't understand why your friend would be so insensitive. I just hope it's for the reason seekingsaid.

MrsBobDylan Sun 10-Jun-18 22:22:30

I think you should allow yourself to feel all this sadness without trying to be brave about it. Watching someone you love get what you so badly want but think you will never have is gut-twistingly hard.

I am actually in awe of you because even under the weight of so much pain, you are still supporting your friend.

NcedForThis Sun 10-Jun-18 22:36:02

Oh god, thank you all so much

I’m having a wee cry to myself right now.

I think I’m just so fucking angry at the world and now this has happened and I’m just so cross.

The name has completely done me in. I was so angry at her for about an hour then told myself to stop being a fucking idiot and grow up. It’s just a name. It’s as much “her” name as it is “mine” I just feel like the universe is teasing me

I can delay seeing her but I feel like if I don’t go and see them then I’ll keeppitting it off and I don’t want that. She deserves someone who can be totally happy for her. Not me and my sadness

Thank you all

Wolfiefan Sun 10-Jun-18 22:39:38

But you have the right to grieve. To be sad. Sobbingly distraught. And fucking angry too. Not at her. But at the bloody unfairness that means you won't get to use "your" name.
And it is shit. And it is unfair.
Be kind to yourself. Whatever you need to do. If she's a half decent friend then she will understand. flowers

BouleBaker Sun 10-Jun-18 22:43:36

Message her. Explain you are thrilled for her but you are grieving for yourself. Tell her that you want to come and see her but need time to be able to do it.

AnnieAnoniMouser Sun 10-Jun-18 22:49:31

Oh lovely xx. Life’s bloody unfair isn’t it 💐

I hope that they’re wrong & you do get your longed for baby x

As for your friend, do you think she will remember that was the name you had chosen?

If she remembered and used it anyway I’d be very hurt, if I thought she’d forgotten I’d be upset but not so hurt. However, my very closet friends would want to know and would choose a different name, as I would fit them, could you talk to her?

TwinkleMerrick Sun 10-Jun-18 23:00:06

I'm on your side, out of all the names in the world she could of picked another!

Let yourself be upset, it's proper shit! But give yourself a time limit to be upset about your friend.

Talk to her, if she is a good friend she will understand. But maybe leave it a bit of time as she will be a big hormonal mess so early on after giving birth and it could cause more issues than it's worth.

As for the infertility, I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. You sound like you will be a wonderful mother and I hope one day you will be, even if it's not by the conventional means. Good luck to you and know you have some strangers out there thinking and praying for you and your journey xx

Rednailsandnaeknickers Mon 11-Jun-18 00:05:20

Did you have a name change fail at 22:36 op?

My first thought was similar to seeking, that she is using the name as some kind of "tribute" to you? Is that possible? Or it may be she loved the name when you originally told her, it has stayed in her sub conscious for years and now she's had her baby she loves the name but doesn't remember the original origin/connection where she first heard it mentioned in the context of naming children?

I'm so sorry you are going through this thanks

dancinfeet Mon 11-Jun-18 08:25:50

I changed the name that I had earmarked for a second DD (for several years prior to getting pregnant) as someone I knew quite well lost a baby at full term and named her that same name. I knew it would be very hard for her when I gave birth to my second DD less than a year later if I also used the name. In the end my ExH chose a name for DD, which suits her very well.

NcedForThis Mon 11-Jun-18 09:47:46

Sorry, I didn’t want to reply until my NC Gail had been sorted (thanks hq and for your kind words x)

The name wasn’t in her final 3 that she’s had for months, we were talking about names about 4 weeks ago and I told her that that name was “my” name. I’m guessing she just didn’t realise how important it was to me, and I suppose why would she!

It hurts but not because she used it (although that really does sting a bit) but because I haven’t got to use it.

I feel so stupid to be so upset by this. It’s so unimportant compared to the importance of her bringing home her healthy baby but I can’t get past the sadness.

I feel like if I don’t see her this week then I’ll just put it off and off until baby is so much older sans that would be really crap of me. She has said she knows how I feel as it took 7/8 months to conceive DC2 but selfishly that upsets me because it isn’t the same (and I know that’s a shit view to have and I’m sorry if it offends anyone)

I have to say, a group of random strangers on the internet have been far more supportive then the two friends I spoke to about it. Thank you, genuinely, for letting me have me feelings about this. I feel lucky to be a part of such a place x

Notonthestairs Mon 11-Jun-18 10:19:23

First of all you can use the name if you want to - I know cousins with the same name, its no biggie.
But that probably isn't making you feel any better - because its not about the name really, its about all the other stuff that you are dealing with.

Is there any counselling you can get? We were offered a therapist when we had a miscarriage after IVF, we didn't take it up but we probably should have done as I was a mess. I think offloading to someone unrelated to your family and friends might be quite freeing.

You sound like a lovely friend but make sure you are as kind to yourself as you are to your friends flowers.

HawkeyeInConfusion Mon 11-Jun-18 11:07:52

You're not being an arse. I'm sorry you're going through this.

When I was expecting DC2 I had a girl and boy name lined up. Then an early scan revealed I was expecting twins. Then my 12 week scan revealed a MMC of one of the twins. When ds was born I started, in my mind, to think of the lost twin by the girl name. I told no one.

About a year later an indirect relative had a baby girl and called her my girl name. She had no idea of the meaning of the name to me. She had no idea that the name was even on my list. But it hurt. It really hurt.

It does sound like your friend has been thoughtless, to say the least. And no, taking 7-8 months to conceive is not the same as what you're going through. It is not selfish for you to be upset by her saying that.

I agree with a pp, have you considered going for counselling?

And, in the meantime, please be kind to yourself. flowers

NcedForThis Mon 11-Jun-18 16:08:01

God I really need help snapping out of this. I always buy any new baby a personalised gift and I can’t bring myself to do this. As in I literally can’t type the name without welling up.

I feel so stupid and unkind.

Thank you all, sorry to those who have Leo struggled with infertility or’s absolutely shit

Pinkyponkcustard Mon 11-Jun-18 16:27:46

flowers You sound like a marvellous friend.

Hope that you get the happy ending op x

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