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Can’t get neighbour to leave me alone

(413 Posts)
NeighbourIssues Fri 08-Jun-18 16:00:09

Have NC for this.

I have a neighbour who ultimately is a nice, kind man but am finding his friendliness overpowering.

We initially had little chats on the front as we both enjoy gardening. Aside from that, he’s more than twice my age and we don’t have anything else in common. He then asked for my mobile number, and since then I’ve found the amount of contact he wants too much.

He calls or texts me often and if I don’t reply instantly, he frantically calls and texts until I respond. Just now he’s been and knocked my door because I didn’t reply to a text he sent 20 mins earlier.

He likes me to go over and have a chat with him but once I’m there it’s hard to get away! He also asks me to go over repeatedly, like asking me each day for five consecutive days until I eventually give up and pop over to stop him asking. I can’t do any work on my garden without him appearing and coming over to talk. He’s also started to try to give me hugs and I’m really uncomfortable with it. Not a touchy feely person.

I try to be a good neighbour, and don’t mind doing favours like taking him to hospital for his check ups (even though we live a fair way so it ends up being a whole morning/ afternoon). It’s just all the extra contact and time that he wants.

Any advice how to manage this please? Especially without causing bad feeling as I still have to live here.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Fri 08-Jun-18 16:05:09

Can you allocate him a slot n your week?
"Hi neighbour I can pop over Monday's for a cuppa but really tied up the rest of the week" - type of thing?

Namethecat Fri 08-Jun-18 16:11:50

You don't say if your single. If you are then invent a bf and talk about him. If not suggest your oh and you are really getting on and you have a great relationship and just generally talk about them alot.

NeighbourIssues Fri 08-Jun-18 16:30:54

Thanks both. I have told him I’m busy before, he assumes if my car is on the drive I’m available. Will see if suggesting a specific day helps.

I’m single Name and happy to invent an OH but he lives opposite me in a really quiet cul-de-sac. Not sure how long I could keep the pretence up without arranging for a man to start popping over to mine frequently. Willing to give it a try though!

MizCracker Fri 08-Jun-18 16:35:03

You know, one thing I've learned recently about us women is we're too eager to put up with shitty/intimidating behaviour from men, because we're too afraid to offend and say "leave me alone".

So, don't allocate him a slot for tea and biscuits every week if you don't want to. Tell him his constant texting/chasing up unanswered texts is inappropriate and making you uncomfortable. Ditto the touchy feely stuff.

I know you don't want to cause bad feeling with a neighbour, but you do NOT have to put up with his creepiness. It's harassment.

Bowlofbabelfish Fri 08-Jun-18 16:36:47

Stop trying to be nice.

Don’t let him hug you. Deflect with humour if you must, but step back and put your hands up and say ‘I’m not a hugger. Please don’t do that.’
Put his number on mute. Do not respond immediately to any texts or calls. If he comes round you need to adopt a tone of puzzlement that anyone would do such a thing and be busy.
Speak to your other neighbours - has he done this with previous house occupants or any of them?
Do not let this man spoil enjoyment of your home. Stop going over there, stop trying to be nice. Put boundaries down and stick to them. Be dull, be boring, be busy.

It sounds awful OP.

RestingBitchFaced Fri 08-Jun-18 16:42:45

You need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse. You don't owe him anything, and he's making you uncomfortable. If he's not taking the hint, then you need to put him straight

Badbadtromance Fri 08-Jun-18 16:44:41

Sounds awful. I'd put strict boundaries in place. Stop being nice! He's a creep. Be firm

cees Fri 08-Jun-18 17:02:31

I'm with MizCracker all the way. A few year's ago at work on his very first day this man harassed myself and a co worker, the reason he did it was because we were both shy, timid girls who didn't have the courage to tell him to stop. He went between the both of us all day trying to get one of us to meet him after work, then he wanted our numbers. Our boss saw what was going on and moved him from our area at the end of the day.

If that shit happened to me today, I'd have no qualms telling him to fuck off. Your neighbour is making a nuisance of himself . Don't let politeness hold you back, your peace in your own home is being disturbed. Tell him no more

aniawl Fri 08-Jun-18 17:12:35

It sounds like you’re not interested in anything beyond basic neighbourly amiable relations. If you do give him an allocated ‘slot’ in your timetable you give an impression that there is room for more and by the sounds of it, it’s how it’ll be taken.
Polite disinterest and firm boundaries all the way, you don’t owe your time to him.
Headphones in when gardening - when he says something, acknowledge politely, then point to them ‘actually I’m listening to this’ - and carry on.
Say no to going over. When he asks again and again you can just say, thank you, I have other plans. Please stop asking, it’s making me uncomfortable to keep having to say no.
Ditto to texts and phone calls. Define in your mind the level of neighbourly relations you want ( not just - willing to put up with but actually want) and stick to that.
He’s not your mother, your boyfriend or your brother. You do not owe him anything beyond basic courtesy.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Fri 08-Jun-18 19:11:52

Size 12 boots and leave them on your doorstep?

NeighbourIssues Fri 08-Jun-18 22:11:49

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions. Your replies have been a wake up call tbh.

I’m going to bank some of the phrases you’ve mentioned and repeat them next time. Dreading it as it will be awkward and you’re right cees I am shy, but know this needs to change. Thanks again.

HollowTalk Fri 08-Jun-18 22:15:49

It's incredible, isn't it, that a man will think you must be willing to be hugged and pestered, particularly when you're half his age. I doubt many women would act like that in a similar situation.

I wouldn't answer any of his texts if he was pestering me. I'd just say that I don't use my phone that much and it's switched off most of the time.

I wouldn't let him hug me - that makes me cringe and I'll hug anyone! You'll have to be quite tough with him on that, I think.

Speak to the other neighbours and try to get them on board, so that if he's talking to you, they join you.

sonjadog Fri 08-Jun-18 22:22:12

I have one of these. Or at least he would be if he had his way.

You need to be direct without being rude. Don't answer text messages. If he turns up, tell him you are busy and haven't checked your phone. Be vague and puzzled about why would be there asking you about this. Stop the tea and chats. Stop the lifts. You can reinstate them in moderate amounts later when you have firm boundaries in place, but for now you need most of all to get it into his head that you are not his attendant. Pretty much whenever he turns up, you chat for a minute and then you are busy. If you cannot get rid, tell him you are busy at work and need some alone time.

Oddcat Fri 08-Jun-18 22:26:19

I'd go a bit further and say don't t answer the door if he knocks, you're not obliged to.

Gottokondo Fri 08-Jun-18 22:35:10

Text: I feel that you are coming too close and looking for more of my attention than I am willing to give. I also do not like being touched. I do not like that you text me this often. I do not like that you come over uninvited to check on me. You are making me uncomfortable and I'd like you to stop. I was trying to be a nice neighbour but you are expecting too much from me and it feels weird. I will block your number from now on.

Don't mind being rude, he is by trying to get in your pants.

NeighbourIssues Sat 09-Jun-18 00:06:43

Hollow Yes I cringe too at the hugs! I’ve even stepped back when he’s reached out a couple of times but the hint hasn’t been taken.

Sonja all really helpful tips. Thank you. The key thing is I don’t want to be rude, it’s not really my nature and I still have to live close to him.

Odd I don’t always answer the door, but then he goes home and continues the repeated calls/ voicemails/ texts. You can also see straight in to my living room from the front door so if he’s got to the door without me noticing him coming across the street, he would literally see me ignoring him. If I see him coming, I sometimes hide blush You’re right about not being obliged, think I need to develop a thicker skin.

Thanks Gotto I really don’t think he’s trying anything sleazy, I just think he’s taken a shine to me (god knows why, I’m very boring!). But the persistent contact is rude, and I didn’t really realise that until this thread. Just thought he was needy. So has been really helpful to hear others perspectives.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Sat 09-Jun-18 00:21:16

The situation you describe is hideously creepy. I'd hate it. You're not overreacting.

I hate confrontation but sometimes you have no choice. How you do it is up to you, but if you don't call a halt it'll get worse.

Singlenotsingle Sat 09-Jun-18 00:26:14

He's lonely. You'll have to tell him straight you're not interested, and you're a busy woman. Maybe give him some suggestions about clubs or groups he could join? Gardening, rambling, the U3A?

MistressDeeCee Sat 09-Jun-18 00:50:47

Why are you putting up with harassment? & you don't have to open your door just because he's knocking, why can't you say from behind the door that you're busy?

If he asks why you haven't answered his texts etc, tell him you're busy and have many other things to do. Same when he asks you to visit. Say this every time don't be drawn into other talk & if he continues, cut across him "Im not obligated to you & I don't want intense friendship so will call it a day". End of story.

Not your problem if he's lonely or needy. Never let men control you by their actions, doesn't matter who it is

Don't get drawn into suggesting other options, activities for him either. Make a clean break. He's being rude, pushy abd odd. & I bet he won't be all sweetness and light when you cut contact either

bluebell34567 Sat 09-Jun-18 00:53:45

agree with Prawnofthepatriarchy, it sounds creepy. and starting to hug you is weird.
i wouldnt send the txt as pp said above. it can make him angry, what kind of person he is we dont know but he sounds creepy.
just go quite. if you give explanations it wont be enough.
if he comes to your door, just say you are busy.
dont take him to hospital or anywhere.
block his number so you dont get his calls.
and finally, do you have any possibility to go somewhere for a few weeks. this might cool down his attention.

PenelopeFlintstone Sat 09-Jun-18 01:08:17

How old are we talking?
20 and 40?
or 40 and 80?

ohfortuna Sat 09-Jun-18 01:35:50

He's a stalker, stomping all over your boundaries and taking the piss
you shouldnt be trying to be a good neighbour to him

He’s also started to try to give me hugs
he's escalating his harassment, working up to something more intimate but doing it gradually so that you feel as if you encouraged him.

Wake up and look at where this is going, you are being groomed

ohfortuna Sat 09-Jun-18 01:36:51

You can also see straight in to my living room from the front door
put up a curtain and get yourself some privacy

NeighbourIssues Sat 09-Jun-18 01:57:48

Why are you putting up with harassment

Because I didn’t think of it that way until hearing everyone’s perspectives on here? Because I feel awkward that I have to see him frequently?

Penelope He is 60, I’m in my 20s.

There is zero chance of him grooming me. I agree with Single that this is rooted in loneliness which is why I gave him the time of day in the first place. He lives alone (never married), has no children and doesn’t work. I now take on board that the loneliness isn’t my problem to solve.

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