I've been 8 years 8 weeks in training. I've practised my Kata at home. And now, finally, I've gained my belt in baby-jitsu. Yes, that's right. I have mastered the art of changing a shitty nappy in the wild-sitting on a bench with the baby held off my lap. Not sure what colour belt this is though? Please share your most skilful moments...
Catching flying vomit in your hands so it doesn’t go on whatever it would otherwise have done then, for extra points, getting small child into bathroom to hose you both down without spreading the mess.
I feel like I was fairly well-prepared for motherhood but I didn't quite realise how much of my day would be determined by pooing. DS (8 weeks) has done five since 3am, which means he's basically been awake the whole time and getting increasingly annoyed about it.
The next stage is the Stealth Nappy. When your child does a massive stinker just as they've gone to sleep. You've spent ages settling them off, so you really don't want to wake them. So, can you be so delicate and fast to change that nappy without waking them? I have managed this feat only once. DH has managed it, he sent me a text to say he'd managed it, only to realise I'd left my phone behind and it was on the side next to the baby. That woke the baby. Of course, then you've got the whole business of Toddler Judo where you have to wrestle them every single nappy change.
Of course you have the comando crawling or stealthily hopping over creaky floorboards to exit the room once the baby is asleep. Extra points for not falling asleep yourself first and for not tripping on something or dropping something as soon as you've got out t he door
There's also the one handed one footed move of trying to bend a toddler who is as stiff as a board and sliding down the buggy as they refuse to get in. You need one hand to bend t hem, one to fasten the straps like lightening and a foot to stop the buggy flying off backwards into people/cars/shopping