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Today I saw my birth mother for the first time in my life

(43 Posts)
Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 16:20:04

Am feeling all kinds of feelings but I don’t know what they are.
I’m 42, I’ve known I was adopted my whole life. 13 years ago I went to find out about locating my bm, and instead came away with details for 2 brothers (who had also been adopted). We developed a kind of odd sibling relationship but I don’t see much of them. One of them I’m now nc with but that’s a different story. After finishing these brothers I then found all the details of
Bm. Unadvisedly I wrote her a letter , basically she wanted nothing to do with me (but it’s glaringly obvious that she was saving her ass because I suspect her husband and daughter (my half sister) no nothing of any of us. Anyway that was several years ago now. I let it go. But today dh and I were in her home town (which is only 40 miles away), literally round the corner from her house. So we did a drive by. We realised as we were looking for the house number that a car was getting a bit impatient behind us so we pulled up opposite her house to let them go past. Except they didn’t go past. They stopped outside the house and she and her husband got out. I couldn’t believe it! All these years. The timing and everything! Obviously we had a good old gawp, whilst pretending to be looking at the sat nav. She def saw us there and so did her husband. I wonder whether she’s wondering now. I spent a long time going ‘oh my god oh my god oh my god’
Anyway just sharing because today has been a WEIRD day for Me.

Troels Sat 26-May-18 16:25:45

That must have been very weird, hope you are OK.
My Dd is also adopted with no contact, knows all about it.
I think curiosity gets the better of most of us.
I'm sure my Dd looks for some family resemblance in the single pic with have of her birth mother.

RepealRepealRepeal Sat 26-May-18 16:25:54

I met my BM three years ago. It's the most bizarre, indescribable feeling that you never feel in any other situation. This person gave me half of my DNA, carried me for nine months, gave birth to me and I wouldn't be able to tell you her middle name. It's weird and odd and everything in between.

Take your time in figuring out how you feel, and whatever that is, it's ok to feel it.

Kattymanners Sat 26-May-18 16:28:40

That must be very very weird for you.

Hope you are ok with all this going forward x

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 16:32:07

Repeal/ did you go on to meet her again? Mine won’t meet with me. I understand why. It’s frustrating because I don’t especially want a relationship with her. It was all totally clear in my letter to her. And I know the real reason she doesn’t want me to contact her again. Even though she won’t admit it to me. So I had a weird minute or two of staring at her through my car window then I drove off again without any kind of exchange between us. When we stopped and they stopped dh undid his seatbelt and I thought for one horrible second he was going to get out and say something but of course he didn’t and there was no way I was going to do so so in one way it was a bit anticlimactic! But I’ve seen her . But it’s olds too because what does. That tell you about anyone? Nothing really. But it’s the part I’ve aleays wondered. I know more than ever that I have had a much better life than she would prob ever have been able to give me. And it’s weird thinking about how different I and my life would have been had she not given me up. And for that I’m very grateful

Sarahlou63 Sat 26-May-18 16:39:46

I met my birth mother in 2000, when I was 37. Really, really strange at the time but now we have a very easy relationship and see each other 2/3 times a year (we live in different countries).

Might be time to write another letter? A very gentle one that only she will know that it's from you. Nothing ventured...

Freyanna Sat 26-May-18 16:46:16

It''s a pity you can't get to know your half sister.

MikeWyzowski Sat 26-May-18 16:50:59

OMG Ken! My dh contacted his birth mother 12 years ago. He is the only child we know she had (not married, no record of other children), he wrote to her and she wrote a long letter back all about her and how difficult things had been for her but the upshot was she wasn't ready to meet him. But would like to in the future. He has written to her annually since, sent photos of our children and him but has never had a response. We have stalked her on fb and so he knows he has a family resemblance. Her worst nightmare seems to be him turning up on her doorstep - like you did to yours!

I'll be interested to know if she contacts you now. Do you think she recognised you?

My dh is quietly but very hurt over this rejection so you have my deepest sympathy. I'm in Ireland and I hated the No's campaign strategy of adoption as a perfectly viable alternative to abortion. In my experience it is not perfect when there is this much hurt involved although this may be tied up with the screwed up shame attached to unmarried mothers here (fwiw I cannot imagine dh's birth mother feels elated about any of this either) I hope you come to terms with her attitude and I'm glad you have a supportive dh.

ALemonyPea Sat 26-May-18 16:53:21

Hope you’re feeling ok Op, have a large glass of wine/gin tonight.

I met my birth father 7 years ago, met him twice actually, then he ghosted me without explanation. The hurt was so unbearable, like being rejected twice over. I’ve met three of my six half siblings, and have kept them at arms length as can’t bear to be hurt again.

Hope you’re able to find some peace with today’s happenings Op 💐

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 16:57:54

It is freyanna. I have actually found her on fb! It’s temarkable all the stuff you can find on the internet by making connections here and there. She seems to be married with a little boy. I think she’s about 8 or 9 years younger than me. I know her name. Her husbands name, all about her. And she doesn’t know I exist. She thinks she’s an only child when in fact she has two brothers and a sister. It’s a bit sad. She actually does look quite a bit like me too

RepealRepealRepeal Sat 26-May-18 17:03:34

No, I haven't met her again. I have spoken to her on the phone, when I've needed medical history type info. I'm happy to keep it at that. I have parents and I'm grateful that it was her decision to let them and I make a family.

Having said that, it was odd in that there was a flurry of emails, phone calls, texts and messages, and then after we actually met there was nothing, or very, very little. It was a bit hmm at the time, but I'm happy with my life, and she's not a huge part of it.

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 17:07:52

Mike- ah yes see as a child and growing up I never ever felt ‘rejected’ As such by my bm. It was just an accepted thing. She had sent me to my adoptive parents with a nighty she’d bought me and a letter saying she only wanted the best for me etc etc. Then I didn’t think much about it really until, typically, I had my own kids and then thought how awful it must have been for her to have to give up her baby. So it was only when I received this actually very unpleasant and hurtful letter from her- that’s when I felt rejected. And so so cross that she’d had the last say and I want able to confront her about that behaviour at all. I had no plans on actually turning up on her doorstep and saying anything to her. I don’t know what I expected to happen really I almost didn’t really expect to see her to be honest. Anyway it’s all weird. She may have recognised me. I did send her a photo of me and the kids at the time so i don’t know whether she would have remembered. It’s not something that I would forget personally but I don’t think we are very similar to be honest

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 17:11:30

Repeal/ ah yes it is weird when you first have contact with birth family eh. There was loads of contact with my brothers at the start , trying to get to know them as quickly as possible I guess and catching up on all the years missed and trying to find connections between ourselves. Then it petered out as actually apart from shared dna we don’t have much in common!

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 17:14:32

Ha. Would be even weirder If she’s a Mnetter. Or my ‘sister’ is...

AdeliciousRex Sat 26-May-18 17:22:38

That must feel really weird.

Hope you're okay.

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 17:31:26

I think so?? I’m not really in touch with my emotions in any way [generalky grin so I’m finding it hard to access the feelings iyswim

eloisesparkle Sat 26-May-18 17:52:53

There's a very good autobiography by Caitriona Palmer called An Affair With My Mother about her contact with her birth mother.
You might read it OP ?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 26-May-18 17:58:54

OMG just think your your sister not only doesn't know you exist but that you were outside her house. That is so sureal.
It just shows you that you never know who you might be very very closely related to.

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 18:04:51

That’s true. Although not her house any more I assume, she’s now married with 2 kids. I thought one bit of course I’ve now been totally stalking her fb Page. There are quite a few ‘family’ members all connecting up together on there. Even weirder I think one of them might know my dh as they both worked for the same company. shock

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 26-May-18 18:07:28

No way. [shockWhoever said "it's a small world".
Never has a truer quote ever been spoken

Kenworthington Sat 26-May-18 18:18:03

Well, when I met my younger birth brother (also adopted), turned out we went to school opposite each other- he to the boys private and me to the girls private. We had mutual friends!!!!! Now that I think was pretty dangerous having us both adopted in such close proximity to each other especially given we were so close in age! So we had spent basically all our teenage years, bumping shoulders with each other not realising we were siblings shock imagine the shock we would have had when we met if we’d unknowingly slept together????

Freyanna Sat 26-May-18 20:22:11

If I were your sister, I would want to hear from you.

ALemonyPea Sat 26-May-18 20:47:49

Life is full of close encounters. DHs cousin is/was the manager of my birth father. It’s likely I’d crossed paths with him at functions DHs cousin had.

foxyknoxy30 Sat 26-May-18 21:05:23

I have known I was adopted all my life (44)I contacted my BM a few years ago and we kind of haphazard send other a letter every few years, she actually only lives about 20 miles away but we have never suggested to each other we meet .I have a half sister who knows I exist but my BM didn't want her to know I had contacted her and that kind of made me feel a bit shit TBH.Sometimes I think feck it will just drive to see her but then the feeling passes, it's hard to explain sometimes how I feel but it doesn't define me as a person that I am adopted, because when I tell people for the first time it's as if they sympathise 🤔🤔 It's kind of like you want to know them but you don't cause of the unknown and it can be hard xx

eloisesparkle Sun 27-May-18 16:53:28

Foxy did you ever meet your bm ?
My friend has just met hers and her half siblings and is soooo excited. It's lovely.
They are so welcoming.

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