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Can I resign as Maid of Honour?

(158 Posts)
MaidofHorror Thu 24-May-18 09:12:28

Very close friend asked me to be maid of honour a while back. I happily said yes and have been helping as much as I can, going wedding dress shopping, wedding shows etc. I asked bride to be what kind of hen do she wanted and she said nothing big, just a fun night out. Asked her what was happening re bridesmaid dress etc and she said she will sort all that, will ask my input and won't put me in anything I'm uncomfortable with etc etc.

As time has gone on this wedding seems to be getting bigger and bigger. She has now asked 18 people to be bridesmaids. She also has multiple flower girls and page boys. She's now realised that the cost is going to be astronomical so has told us that we will be paying for our own outfits.
I've been getting messages from a few other bridesmaids about the hen do, apparently friend has been telling them she wants to go abroad and as I'm maid of honour I will be arranging it. Another bridesmaid has asked me to pay for half the wedding cake as a "surprise" for friend. They also want to book her in for a spa weekend and beauty treatments the week of the wedding. Which again, I am supposed to arrange and pay in to.

I do not have this kind of money. I won't be going abroad. I don't have the time nor quite frankly the inclination to arrange multiple events for bride to be.

I think I should sit down with her and tell her that whilst I want to be there for her and help her as much as I can, perhaps it's best that one of her other bridesmaids take on the maid of honour role as I don't think I'm the right person to give her the build up to her wedding that she really wants.

DH says that I'll ruin the friendship if I do that. The wedding isn't for another 18 months so it's not like I'll be leaving her in the lurch for anything.

I know I probably sound really selfish but I was told this was to be a small wedding and a low key hen night. The way it is snowballing just says to me that it will only get worse the closer it gets.

What would you do?

TooDamnSarky Thu 24-May-18 09:16:44

18 bridesmaids!!!!! Wtaf????

RioTheParrott Thu 24-May-18 09:16:54

Tell her to sod right off. You're not subsidising her wedding! Pull out with dignity now

Emma198 Thu 24-May-18 09:17:07

You could say you want to be MOH but worried about how much is going on to ask her to nominate some other bridesmaids that you can pass some tasks along to.

AnalUnicorn Thu 24-May-18 09:19:00

Jesus. This is a Bridezilla in the making. Run for the hills !

Fortheloveofscience Thu 24-May-18 09:19:17

Get out while you can!

SporkInTheToaster Thu 24-May-18 09:19:33

18 bridesmaids grin

Kisbot Thu 24-May-18 09:19:34

Christ I’d run pdq.
How awful.
As it’s 18 months away and she has 18 potential other bridesmaids no need to feel guilty.
Do you really care if you can’t be friends with someone who is going to make your life hell for the next 18 months?

Bluntness100 Thu 24-May-18 09:19:58

She has 18 bridesmaids..???

Don't resign as maid of honour, but take her for a drink and say ok, let's sort what's to be done, then say what you can and can't do and ask for help, I'm sure one of the 18 will pitch in.

GinUnicorn Thu 24-May-18 09:20:02

Could you tactfully say you are feeling anxious about the responsibility. You could suggest either she appoints a joint maid of honour to help or you could just step down and be bridesmaid?

Good luck.

Dowser Thu 24-May-18 09:20:16

Bridezilla .

How awful.
You need to have the talk.

gryffen Thu 24-May-18 09:21:08

Screw that.

Tell her you're planning a small hen do but that's it. People have said she is wanting to go abroad and there is no real plan for wedding etc and you can't afford to move things around that haven't been discussed in general.

Now out and let Bridezilla screw someone else's day up

SandAndSea Thu 24-May-18 09:21:20

18 bridesmaids is ridiculous. I would want out too.

MsHomeSlice Thu 24-May-18 09:23:10

18 bridemaids?

dear oh dear! I'd imagine the groom will be running for the hills before long, so that should solve your problem quite nicely tbh

She needs talking down, she has wedding fever!

MaidofHorror Thu 24-May-18 09:23:48

Yes wtaf was my reaction when I realised how many people she'd asked! It's like she feels like she has to ask all her friends no matter how close (or not close!) they are so she doesn't upset anyone. Which is ridiculous when it gets to this number of people. And the flower girls and page boys are pretty much all the DC of the bridesmaids (those that have them). I tried to explain to her that just because you ask the mum to be a bridesmaid, it doesn't mean her DC have to be involved as well. An invitation to the wedding is enough.

I had a very small and on a tiny budget wedding, this is what I wanted and was happy with. So I do feel like maybe my judgement is off sometimes with her wedding because I just have never wanted a big white wedding so maybe I can't see where she's coming from. But it's just so stressful for me already and we still have a long long way to go.

PetulantPolecat Thu 24-May-18 09:23:49

Resign. It’s going to ruin your friendship anyway if she pressures you into more madness in the months before her wedding date.

dinosaurkisses Thu 24-May-18 09:23:55

I don’t think I even know 18 women never mind close enough to them to ask them to be in my wedding!

fuzzywuzzy Thu 24-May-18 09:24:07

Soooo

You’re expected to pay for;
Maid of honour dress
Hen do overseas
Half the bloody wedding cake (WTAF confused )
A Spa weekend for the bride along with treatments

Do you really need to ask?

Would you expect the above from anyone?

Tell her nicely you don’t feel you can contribute as fully as you’d like to of your resources to her wedding so she would be better off with another —mug— maid of honour.

ToothTrauma Thu 24-May-18 09:24:11

Get out, get out, get out! Just be honest with her and say you don’t have the resources for the kind of experience she wants, and you would hate to disappoint her, so you are graciously stepping down.

JennyOnAPlate Thu 24-May-18 09:26:04

Run away op!! It all sounds ridiculous.

mooncuplanding Thu 24-May-18 09:26:21

I have never heard such ridiculousness

Definitely resign now because however much you think this is gonna cost you right now, you can probably double that seeing as there is no sign of perspective coming your way from bridezilla

I absolutely detest the narcissism that goes with these weddings. There’s no other way to describe it.

Hideous. Trust your instincts and run

KatnissK Thu 24-May-18 09:28:35

I would tell the bride it's too much organise on your own and that you can't afford to go abroad for the hen so you definitely need to nominate another bridesmaid to organise that. I would also sit down with the bride and ask her exactly what her expectations are in the run up to the wedding and make a list. Then send a group email with the list and what tasks need sorting and allocate a couple of bridesmaids to each one. I wouldn't just ask for help as I guarantee they won't step up to help. I would then email the bride saying who is sorting out what so she knows who to talk to about different events (and also that way you can't be blamed if others don't pull their weight). That's what I'd do anyway.

GrumpyInsomniac Thu 24-May-18 09:29:10

If she's really a good friend, take her out for a coffee and talk to her. Remind her what she said at the outset, remind her that neither of the recent royal weddings featured 18 bridesmaids, and try to gently bring her to earth.

Be honest with her that you're concerned things are getting away from her a touch, and ask whether you can help her scale things back to something manageable and less stressful again.

It's really easy to get over-enthusiastic and suddenly find yourself unable to recognise what you originally wanted in all that. And without a good friend to keep her grounded, she may find her wedding is more nightmare than dream.

What matters on the day is that two people come to spend their lives together. The rest is just distraction. Nobody needs a hen week abroad. Friendship is about the quality of the time spent together, not how it looks on Instagram or FB. And the amount of stuff that looks to be heading your way is starting to look like a full-time job. So talk to her gently. There's still time for her to come back to her original position. And if not? If she can't see her threatened evolution into bridezilla, do you really want to be dragged into the madness?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 24-May-18 09:30:01

You know, she might really welcome an honest conversation with a trusted friend, because it sounds like this has already gone bonkers in terms of cash and effort. Weddings can be like a runaway train...

Or she might be batshit cray-bridezilla and this is the end of the friendship. But I'm feeling kind today and if you value her as a friend, it's worth trying to have a proper chat about things and try to rein them in a bit. If that doesn't work, then resign.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 24-May-18 09:30:34

X-post with Grumpy who said it much better than me grin

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