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Coming to terms with terrible things I’ve done

(51 Posts)
shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:15:59

I’m on the other side now.

But I have done some awful things in my life. Sometimes guilt and shame wakes me up in the early hours of the morning.

Is this just how it has to be?

cjt110 Tue 22-May-18 11:17:22

Do you want to talk Shelbie?

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:18:50

Thank you.

I suppose the truth is, I was horrible when younger. Not in an arsey teenager sense but in my twenties and some of my thirties too.

I really feel I am not that person now but it’s as if I’ve traumatised myself sad

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Tue 22-May-18 11:19:27

How long ago?

I ask because I’ve done some horrible things that make me feel terrible. I allow myself to think about them, almost in an abstract ‘and this is how I’ve grown since’ type of way. If I didn’t, I imagine I’d obsess.

Personally I think it’s important to remember those things, but not to dwell on them. It does genuinely take training to be able to acknowledge your past, maybe forgive, and to understand how you’ve overcome the circumstances that made you take that path, or how you rectified the situation.

Works for all sorts of things. Once you can have a bit of detachment it’s much better.

UtterlyDesperate Tue 22-May-18 11:19:36

I sometimes have the same, OP. I just try to remember that I am no longer that person. I have apologised where that's been possible, but it still haunts my dreams and I wake up thinking I am back there. No solutions, but flowers

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:20:12

Selfishly, I am glad it’s not just me.

ohfourfoxache Tue 22-May-18 11:20:14

I hear you - similar position here

But let’s put it in perspective; what scale are we looking at? Murder? Fraud? Anything illegal?

Or are we looking at things that you’ve said or done that, to others, seem minor?

TeeBee Tue 22-May-18 11:21:01

Are you able to somehow make amends (even in part) for whatever it is you did? Are there people you want to apologise to? Or is there a way of doing good to offset the wrong you did? I would think this might help you start to forgive yourself.

SharpLily Tue 22-May-18 11:21:49

The important thing is that you are not that person now. Is there anything you can realistically do to make up for some of the bad things you have done? If not, then focus on living a good life now.

If you feel you can reasonably atone for some of your past mistakes then by all means take steps to do so, but don't let it obsess you.

We've all done things we know we shouldn't have done. It doesn't make you a terrible person now.

whifflesqueak Tue 22-May-18 11:22:44

I feel the same way. Glad it’s not just me.

ohfourfoxache Tue 22-May-18 11:23:00

Are you sure that you actually did these things in the first place? Or are you picking apart interactions looking for ways to mentally self harm?

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:25:29

I have done some genuinely awful things I am now disgusted at. Some things weren’t technically illegal but morally were reprehensible. Other things were illegal but never caught.

CrazyAss Tue 22-May-18 11:26:50

I've done things I'm not proud of, and hurt people who I cared about.

I try to be honest with myself and take the right proportion of responsibility for my actions, look at the changes I have made or will make to ensure it doesn't happen again.

If appropriate apologise. If that's not appropriate- if it would cause the other party more pain - I try to make a change in my life which they would appreciate. For example an ex of mine who I didn't treat right loved spiders so now I never kill them even though the bastards terrify me. It sounds stupid but it helps me.

bobstersmum Tue 22-May-18 11:29:06

I feel similar to you. I tried to make amends by sending a full apology to someone that I hurt, but didn't get any kind of reply so it either was just deleted or apology not accepted. Either way I know I've tried. Can you do this?

Noboozeforme Tue 22-May-18 11:29:36

I know it's difficult but I see this from the perspective that you should feel proud that you are now in a position to look back and reflect on your past behaviours. Some people never make that step.

You can't change the past so the only option is to forgive yourself.

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:30:57

In a way it would be nice if I could apologise but for the most part I can’t because I’ve done sneaky horrible things

CrazyAss Tue 22-May-18 11:34:07

What weighs most heavily on you? Is there a way to make amends which doesn't include apologising (if that's not appropriate or possible).

BeesAndMist Tue 22-May-18 11:36:33

I was a complete twat until the age of about 28. Genuinely, just a horrible, self absorbed bitch who was just awful to anyone that got in my way. I was a complete coward too and ended several relationships and friendships by just ghosting them.

I’m only 33 now and still struggle with the fact I was a horrible, deeply unlikeable person. I was very damaged and it was almost self harm in a way, how I treated both myself and others. But having looked at my behaviour when I was younger makes me so much more determined to be better from now on. I have even done a few things to try and help some of the people I hurt (anonymously obvs). I feel a lot happier in my life now. Because I’m happier inside it’s a lot easier to be a decent person.

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:38:59

Yes, I was very, very unhappy, which doesn’t excuse anything for a second though.

SleepIsForTheWeek Tue 22-May-18 11:41:44

Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling Shelbie?
I'm in a better place for it and it has helped me to accept my past.
Also try to remember that you are the person you are now because of your past. Perhaps your past has taught you compassion?

cjt110 Tue 22-May-18 11:41:46

Im kinda going through this now shelbie and I'm 31. Very angry at the world, snipey, snarky, and just not nice. Looking at myself from the outside, it doesn't surprise me I don't have any friends. I think I can attribute mine to my depression and am hoping once that is under control, my attitude - which stinks - will be too.

Branleuse Tue 22-May-18 11:45:53

I often lie awake at night ruminating about what a terrible person I am and every mistake ive ever made.

Sometimes I mix it up a bit and imagine all my worst nightmares coming true.

Its a form of OCD I think

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:48:10

I honestly wouldn’t want to discuss it with anyone. Putting it all together - too awful.

ComtesseDeSpair Tue 22-May-18 11:48:29

If you can't apologise, can you "pay an apology forward" so to speak? For example, if you stole money from somebody, could you donate an amount of money to a cause they would have supported? If you were a bully, what about looking to volunteer with a charity which supports young victims of bullying, or does positive activities for young people at risk? Doing something to show yourself you understand the pain your actions will have caused may help you work through it.

Everybody does shitty things at some point in their life - it's human. Sometimes the best way to put things right with yourself is to know that you feel remorse, know that you are a different person, and know that you won't continue down that path. It may also help, depending on what you did (it's hard to give specific advice without knowing what it is you regret doing), to acknowledge that in all possibility, the person on the receiving end has moved on or forgiven you: what sometimes seems terribly and truly awful to us in our guilt is often only a rock in the road to the other party. I no longer hold any grudges or ill-feeling towards the two or three people who did things which hurt me years ago, and I actually wouldn't want to think their guilt kept them up at night.

shelbie11 Tue 22-May-18 11:50:17

Thanks. That’s a good way of looking at it.

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