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Letting go of the “forever house” dream...

(72 Posts)
Notcontent Mon 21-May-18 15:52:49

Apologies as this is a bit of a “first world problem” but I am sure many here can relate to this.

I have recently realised that I will never have a “forever home” and I am feeling rather sad about it. I actually really hate that expression but you know what I mean - a house that I am happy with, that suits my family’s needs, etc. I do have a house and it’s ok but it’s small, cramped and not where I thought I would end up long term - however divorce, etc got in the way and here I am.

I think the reason why I am feeling sad about this is that recently I thought that I might move (I am due to receive a small lump sum of money soon) and I got quite excited about the idea. However after doing some research realised that actually even with the extra bit of money I can’t afford to buy anything nicer/bigger and never will. It’s probably also related to my age (40s) - realising “this is as good as it’s going to get”, and the fact that most of the people i know are in a very different situation.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Hideandgo Mon 21-May-18 16:00:44

If you’re in your 40’s then I think it’s a good idea to review what you see as your forever home. Are you sure you’re not clinging on to the forever home that would have been ideal when the kids were little and you were married? If I was single and in my 40’s and thinking of my ideal home it would be small with a beautiful kitchen, an Aga, a manageable garden that was South facing. One nice big bedroom ensuite and 1-2 small spares.

I think you could get that probably even with a small budget. If you are insistent that the forever home has a massive garden, 4 bedrooms, detached etc then most single people can’t afford that, and if you really think about it, don’t want or need that.

So can you possibly reframe what it is you are looking for in your forever home?

Thatsalritehun Mon 21-May-18 16:04:15

I didn’t realise our home was out “forever home” - we thought it would be five years til we left London and I dreamed of the country cottage with roses round the door. 19 years (ish?) later, we’re still here - and it’s our kids lifetime home. It felt cramped when it was full of toys and teenagers but times are changing again and I can see it won’t be a that long til it’s just the two of us here - and it will be perfect for us again, size and convenience. So while it wasn’t bought as a family home, it has become one (and actually, the older I get, the less desirous I become to be lumbered by expensive to maintain property and land!). I think you should try to forget what others have and feel lucky a) that you have a roof over your head and b) that it accomodates your needs.

thebear1 Mon 21-May-18 16:05:41

I am currently getting used to the idea that our home will be a compromise and not be ideal for us as a family. I am trying to appreciate our house for what it does provide.

EvilEdna1 Mon 21-May-18 16:08:46

Do you think most people ever have their 'forever home'?

Notcontent Mon 21-May-18 16:09:25

Hideandgo - you are right - and being in London a detached house is not even an option! I guess it’s just that my dc is still young and I wanted a proper family home for us.

IJustHadToNameChange Mon 21-May-18 16:09:36

I lost out on what would have been my "forever home" by £10k.

Ten lousy k.

I have to trundle past it on the bus every day I go to work.

I'm stuck in a house which I've had refurbished and I'm gutted.

I'm too old for a mortgage and can't afford to buy another house like my "forever home" even if I sell the house I'm in.

I feel you pain OP. 😢

IJustHadToNameChange Mon 21-May-18 16:10:01

I feel your pain. 😳

dontticklethetoad Mon 21-May-18 16:11:35

Yes! Both dh have owned before, but have had to start from scratch as both sold properties at the end of our previous relationships. We are now in a position to buy again, but having to move towns. Our budget will buy us a decent house (compared to the 2 bed flat we could just about afford in our current town!) in the grand scheme of things, but it's not how I thought it would be.

MissStegosaurus Mon 21-May-18 16:12:19

I don't really buy into the idea of a forever home. Unless you really really love where you live then surely the most important thing about a home is that it meets your needs at that moment in time. While a four bedroom massive house with a huge garden might suit you with young kids will that really suit you when you're 75 and find it hard to get around? Would you really stay rattling around in the big house just because it's your forever home or would you do the sensible thing and downsize?

Notcontent Mon 21-May-18 16:12:47

And yes - I do realise that most people don’t ever get to have their dream or forever home. Which is why I know my feelings are rather self indulgent. It’s childish but the people I work with and the children my dc go to school with do live ina bit of a nibble and yes, they do all have their dream homes!!!

Notcontent Mon 21-May-18 16:13:15

Sorry, that was meant to say bubble, not nibble..

cheeseismydownfall Mon 21-May-18 16:15:07

Could you maybe spend the lump sum (or some of it) on improvements to your existing home? I love looking at "tiny houses" online and seeing all the clever ways people make small homes work for them.

BriocheBriocheBrioche Mon 21-May-18 16:19:29

I feel the same sometimes OP.
I moved to a very expensive part of an EU country and there is no way I will ever have the house with a nice garden that perhaps I could have if i'd stayed in the UK.

Houses are in short supply here and are double our budget!
I'm trying to get my head round the idea of spending a lot of money on an apartment with a little balcony.

Of course, I could move to the countryside and have a huge farmhouse for the price of a garage here but then I'd have no work or social life!

BurberryIsSo2000 Mon 21-May-18 16:20:02

I feel your pain, OP thanks And I'm sorry.

I'm 20 years old, my partner is 26. I have to make do and realise that I'll never have a mortgage, and I'll never get on the property ladder.

It would perhaps be possible outside of the South East, but DH is set that he will never move out of the SE.

It's difficult, as I'd love somewhere to call my own. I'm very passionate about decor and I have everything mapped out in my head. I know of all the things I'd fill the house with, everything.

Alas, it'll never be a reality. Just a pipe dream.

Such is life I suppose sad

Tentomidnight Mon 21-May-18 16:20:22

I live in what I’ve always considered to be my dream home in terms of syle, size and location (and I am very grateful)
Now I live in it I can see the downsides, and I’ve realised that whilst it’s great, my idea of a dream home has changed.
My next home will be much smaller and low maintenance.

I agree with the idea of the ‘perfect’ home being the one which is right for your current circumstances.

VerbenaBoriensis Mon 21-May-18 16:21:44

What's "live in a bit of a nibble?"!! I think everyone at some point has an idea of what their life should be like and prob there are very few people who get there. Sometimes they do and are then disappointed. Property doesn't make u happy and being content imho is more important thsn being happy. Try to enjoy what u have-some people have to live in terrible conditions, dome don't even have a home! Sorry to sound all sanctimonious-know thats prob not what u wanted to hear OP.

NameChanger22 Mon 21-May-18 16:24:04

I'd have to spend at least 800k to get the kind of forever home I want. I'm pretty sure I'll never come close. I've accepted my lot, if I didn't I would be miserable. I have a house, I am happy that I have that.

VerbenaBoriensis Mon 21-May-18 16:25:56

Oh! -bubble..Well I spose that doesn't help. Doesn't mean they are any happier and I bet they work long hours with stressful jobs to keep up mortgage payments-wheres the fun in that? smile

niceupthedance Mon 21-May-18 16:30:36

I'm mid 40s and renting, won't be able to buy anything until my mum dies - rather have her here, so....

Middleoftheroad Mon 21-May-18 16:32:59

Beware the myth of the bigger dream home.

We moved to what should technically be a dream home in terms of size and location.

But I miss my old small house and area so much (1 and a bit years on). It was easy to maintain, by friends, in an area with better transport and more going on. The kids and DH love the space but its too big to keep on top of for me.

I plan to move back to the old area to a smaller house like my first house, which I realise was my dream. I used to moan about 1 bathroom 3 small beds etc but that was where my sons (now 12) spent their primary years and that house and its memories are my dream home.

Jaxhog Mon 21-May-18 16:34:54

A forever home is rather like a career. It's how you make sense, looking back.

spontaneousgiventime Mon 21-May-18 16:35:19

I had a large family home when all my DC were at home. Once the last one left (I was a widow by then) I sold and moved into a new area. I hated it and put that house up for sale. I am now in my forever home and I love it. Because I downsized as the family home was miles too big for me alone, buying the home I wanted was simple. Don't give up, you may not have your forever home now but life changes and you could find yourself like me, later in life in a home you love and will never want to move from.

TuTru Mon 21-May-18 16:36:27

I relate but I have resigned myself to it & accepted it now. I know it’s not the be all and end all now. Xx

crazymumofthree Mon 21-May-18 16:38:43

We are in Greater London, I don't think we will ever get on the property ladder (and if we do probably won't be until the kids are much older so never a 'family home'), we pay extortionate rent on a little 3 bed end of terrace which although nice could have so many improvements if we owned it ourselves! I would happily downsize for something we could call our own so count your blessings!

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