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DD implicated in online bullying

(172 Posts)
PuddingBawl Wed 16-May-18 13:09:17

Obviously all privileges being pulled.

Question is this:

Do I make her show me all messages?

I know already that she'll say it's a breach of privacy - hers and her friends. According to HOY tone of group was about self harm/depression - and one child ended up substantially distressed (with their parents now baying for blood).

She's 15.

unintentionalthreadkiller Wed 16-May-18 13:10:47

Yes, I would. I'd want to know what I was dealing with.

margotsdevil Wed 16-May-18 13:11:54

I'd say she lost the right to privacy when she chose to behave inappropriately. Has she admitted involvement/wrongdoing? Also given the topic I'd be wanting to see the messages as a check on her own well-being.

AlonsoTigerHeart Wed 16-May-18 13:13:55

I'd need to see it and shed not get it back if she was fact if she dared say I couldn't I'd erupt

BastardGoDarkly Wed 16-May-18 13:14:05

Yeah, you're gonna need to see for yourself.

Maybe less than it sounds, may be more, don't be swayed by 'parents baying for blood' they're bound to be upset, if their daughter is distressed.

Find out what you're dealing with, if she doesn't like it, tough tits.

OnTopOfSpaghetti Wed 16-May-18 13:15:53

God yes! Don't you want to know, as her parent, what she's been saying? Breach of privacy... sorry but you don't get a right to privacy when you've been nasty. Respect has to be earned by my teenager, otherwise privileges are removed.

DGRossetti Wed 16-May-18 13:17:43

I know already that she'll say it's a breach of privacy - hers and her friends.

Maybe point out that if she was older, it might be the police - and they won't need to "ask" ? She can kiss goodbye to privacy then.

sockunicorn Wed 16-May-18 13:17:50

I would ask to see them. It will give you a full idea of what you are dealing with. Plus maybe a chance to show your daughter the full extent of what she is telling people to do etc.

Also it may embarrass her into thinking about what she writes if its read aloud to her.

ToesInWater Wed 16-May-18 13:24:31

I agree that she lost her right to privacy when she chose to engage in poor behaviour. I have always said to my kids ( now 15 and 19) that I reserve the right to access their social media until they are adults as I have parental responsibility for them. Obviously the 19yo is now an adult so I wouldn't expect access but I would absolutely be asking to see my15yo DD's posts if there was an issue. If nothing else you can't really make any kind of informed decisions around consequences, etc. unless you know what really happened rather than relying on what your DD chooses to tell you.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 16-May-18 13:24:32

She has forfeited any right to privacy. If she refuses to show you tell her that you will ask the HOY to get copies of the messages from the parents.

I would also tell her that cooperation at this point will be looked on favourably in any subsequent investigations, including potential police involvement. No idea if this true or not but you need to put the fear of God into her.

Semster Wed 16-May-18 13:26:59

We went through something vaguely similar recently, and it was a good opportunity to remind my children that they should never assume that any message they send via any medium is private. It might be read by their parent, someone else's parent, a teacher, a friend or a stranger. It might end up in the hands of the police or on the front page of the newspaper.

PuddingBawl Wed 16-May-18 13:32:16

Her main privacy thing is about her friends confidences. (And she does have grounds to be very sensitive with one particular friend)

The online group - obviously the HOY already has all the print outs - but do I go through all the WhatsApp/emails etc as well....? Do I allow her 30 minutes head start to delete anything that is especially sensitive...?

I'm hearing demand everything ... ok .... message received.

What an utter utter idiot to get involved sad

PuddingBawl Wed 16-May-18 13:33:34

( maybe relevant to mention she's autistic.)

BeefyCakes Wed 16-May-18 13:35:06

No, don't give her a chance to delete anything.

You need her phone, any passwords and lookout for fake apps, it mig6look like a calculator but it's wassap for instance.

Tartanscarf Wed 16-May-18 13:37:26

Why on earth would you give her chance to delete stuff?

Woman up and PARENT.

Her being autistic is not an excuse for online bullying.

pinkyredrose Wed 16-May-18 13:40:36

Allow her to delete stuff before you read it? hmm what the hell will that achieve apart from her getting rid of the worse stuff so you'll never read it. You're the adult, read it all, you need to know what's gone on so you can deal with it.

BastardGoDarkly Wed 16-May-18 13:41:46

Fuck no. Don't give her chance to delete! ?

Are you trying to cop out of this op? Because I don't think that's wise. At all.

mustbemad17 Wed 16-May-18 13:42:46

You need access to everything before she has chance to delete. Any social media account she has, you want to see. Also mobile phone messages. If it is happening on one social media platform you need to be sure it isn't happening elsewhere

DGRossetti Wed 16-May-18 13:42:53

Her main privacy thing is about her friends confidences. (And she does have grounds to be very sensitive with one particular friend)

"You should have thought of that before you <whatever>" used to be the appropriate response.

LIZS Wed 16-May-18 13:43:40

Who pays for the phone?! No you need to see what has been said. If they wanted to keep it confidential sm is not the place to do so.

RatherBeRiding Wed 16-May-18 13:44:25

Distressing as this is for you both, you do need to read everything. She's old enough (despite any autism surely) to know that this behaviour is not only wrong but potentially criminal? Better you know exactly the extent of her involvement.

And if she doesn't, better she gets that message now from you and the school rather than the police and the criminal justice system.

blacklister Wed 16-May-18 13:45:43

Don't let her delete anything for goodness sake! You need to see exactly what your DD has (or hasn't!) been saying online.

She doesn't get the privilege of privacy if she's going to abuse it. You aren't her friend, you are her parent - so parent her!

HoppingPavlova Wed 16-May-18 13:46:01

She is 15yo. There is no expectation of privacy in this regard. You are the responsible adult, she is not.

As for giving her a head start so she can delete anything that places her in an unflattering light so you can just read sunshine and rainbows, words fail meconfused.

HunterHearstHelmsley Wed 16-May-18 13:46:23

Of course you need to read them all. Not the parts she chooses by allowing her to delete first.

She has been a bully so can't spout off about privacy because she has been caught.

Dermymc Wed 16-May-18 13:46:51

WTAF am I reading. Why would you let her delete anything?!!?

The sensitive stuff you also treat with confidence. Allowing her to delete stuff is insane.

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