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Shit. DP's only gone and 'booked' the wedding.

(85 Posts)
Thurlow Thu 26-Apr-18 13:18:15

DP and I have been together for 18 years. We made a conscious decision a good 10 years ago that neither of us particularly wanted to be married, so we didn't. Bought a house, had DC. As I work in the legal sector we had a lot of help putting together wills and powers of attorney etc to provide some security.
In the past year I've started to get more concerned that we're still not in the best legal position. Financially things are good, we both work and I've not noticeable sacrificed my career and earnings because of having small DC. But you know, things are easier when you're married, house prices are rising so we're creeping nearer the inheritance tax threshold and all that.

So I started saying I thought we needed to get married for the legal protection. DP agreed as that was what I wanted but was slightly less keen. I kept meaning to make the appointments but life just got in the way and I kept forgetting.

And then out of the blue this morning I woke up to emails from DP on his night shift to say he'd booked the appointment to give notice and found a day we might be able to do it at the cheaper, teeny registry office.

Well fuck me. I mean it's lovely. I'm so happy and touched that he has done this for me. We want to spend our life together. But now I'm bloody panicking! Married! Not that we'd tell anyone really, we'll probably have stranger witnesses and only tell our parents for legal reasons but... Shit. This shouldn't be a big change but suddenly it feels like it!

I'm being U and silly, aren't I? Or did anyone else get married after such a long time and feel weird about it?

user1494409994 Thu 26-Apr-18 13:23:00

Congratulations. Where's the wedding to be? I'd love to be witness at a stranger's wedding...........
Missing the point of your post completely!

M0RVEN Thu 26-Apr-18 13:26:18

You are allowed to feel a bit anxious. Especially if you are a solicitor and understand the implications of the legal contract.

You know you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. Even though it makes sense for IHT etc, don’t do it if it’s not right for you.

TheBitterBoy Thu 26-Apr-18 13:26:25

Well, looking at it from a purely practical point of view, apart from a bit of paper you may as well be married, so what's there to worry about? Congratulations on both of you making a sensible decision on securing your futures!

scaryteacher Thu 26-Apr-18 13:28:31

It gives you security, but makes it harder to just leave. It's the formalising of the commitment you have, and makes it explicit and spoken as it were.

I can recommend it....32 years and lots more to go!


LastOneDancing Thu 26-Apr-18 13:30:38

Is it panic, or might it be a bit of excitement too?!

I think its only going to be weird if you make it weird. Nothing changes!

Myse1f Thu 26-Apr-18 13:32:49

It's Ok to be a tiny bit excited about getting married even if you didn't think you were bothered about it. Of course you want to be together for ever. Your DP has just proved he does too, and now you're going to tell each other and the law, formally.
Even if it's not 'that big a deal' it is still a big deal for most people.
Congratulations on your engagement.
Presumably he won't be popping down to H Samuels' while you are at work if you are keeping everything quiet.....spaghetti rings for tea ?wink

Thurlow Thu 26-Apr-18 13:36:58

Spaghetti rings grin

I have no idea why I felt all panicky when I read the email! It's all been my idea in the first place. There's nothing to worry about at all. I doubt we'll tell anyone bar our parents and our witnesses. Unless anyone will be in the Hatfield area during the summer wink

50shadesofgreyismylaundry Thu 26-Apr-18 13:45:36

Congratulations, how lovely. My cousin did it low key like that. They took the afternoon off work found some witnesses on the street and got on with it.

Laska5772 Thu 26-Apr-18 13:45:59

We didnt think we'd tell anyone either ..Wednesday morning wedding booked in RO (wed been together 13years )only intended to have our witnesses and Dcs , but the weekend before we got 'guilty' and told our parents .. then we did a quick Waitrose and Oddbins shop and put up the garden gazebo, told a few more friends the day before ,. and ended up having a party in our back garden! Some neighbours also came was great .. several people still say it was the best wedding they had been to .. It turned out to be a hot July day and we were still out there at midnight!

I wore a day dress from Monsoon.. We were amazed (and still are) at how different we feel being married ! Have a great day !

Laska5772 Thu 26-Apr-18 13:47:11

.. that was 12 years ago btw..

Helpmeplan Thu 26-Apr-18 13:50:08

24 years. Now I've booked the wedding and bought the dress I'm panicking. Not because I don't want to be married (also for legal reasons). Tbh not sure why.

YearOfYouRemember Thu 26-Apr-18 13:52:43

DH and I had only been together 3 1/2 years when we got married but somehow it felt different and the same. Felt a bit more secure and settled but the same as it's what we wanted and it just felt right.

Congratulations 👰🏼 🎩 💍 💐 🍷 🍺

GorgonLondon Thu 26-Apr-18 13:53:42

We did exactly this - just a cheapo at the registry office with our parents there, told no one. I felt pretty sick throughout tbh and not just because I had a newborn. I found the actual vow-saying to be totally excruciating. But I'm glad that we did it. Good luck x

TomRavenscroft Thu 26-Apr-18 13:57:19

Joining in with interest as DP and I have also been together for donkey's years, don't have any interest in getting married but are grudgingly thinking more and more that we ought to, for tax reasons. We don't have DC but do have a house.

I'd want the witnesses to be town hall staff, so we don't have to ask friends to do it and swear them to secrecy, but DP insists that you can't just buttonhole staff and that they're probably told by their managers that no, they can't go off and be a witness to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

That is my biggest hurdle, TBH. Otherwise I see it as a purely pragmatic thing to safeguard our assets.

MinaPaws Thu 26-Apr-18 13:57:21

@Laska - that's such a lovely post. OP, there's nothing to be scared of. You've done the hard stuff already - house/DC/long term cohabiting.

Happyandshiney Thu 26-Apr-18 13:58:54

I think that’s lovely.

Your DP listened to you and took independent action to sort something that was important to you.

He sounds like an excellent chap.

We had a huge wedding, with all the frills and fuss. But that was for everyone else. DH and I would have happily married each other in jeans in a RO. It’s about the relationship not the party.

SilverySurfer Thu 26-Apr-18 14:01:27

Congratulations flowers Do you have witnesses? If not I have a hat perfect for a wedding ...... grin

PenCobSwan Thu 26-Apr-18 14:04:26

I see it as a purely pragmatic thing to safeguard our assets.

Why don't more people understand this ?

Thurlow Thu 26-Apr-18 14:04:59

I found the actual vow-saying to be totally excruciating - oh god, I hadn't even thought of that, I'm going to find that excruitiating too! blush It's just not us as a couple at all.

Helpmeplan, we can do this panicking together!

TomRavenscroft, I've just asked and apparently the staff can't be witnesses which is a pain. I do know lots of other mums who aren't at work at the moment who are friends but not close friends, so I imagine it will be 2 of them, basically whoever is off. Not too happy with that but needs must.

Happyandshiney, I don't give him enough credit sometimes. He has always been incredibly anti-marriage because of his parents and his upbringing, but in its own quiet little way this is the most romantic thing he has done - he's listened to me, and understood my needs, and he's done what will make me happy. I probably should tell him that at some point!

kateandme Thu 26-Apr-18 14:05:57

feel good weird.its a big thing no mattwr how dedicated you are because its putting a shining light on it.whatever you think of marriage for legal,commitment or faith it is a big thing and is a big commitment of some sort.
but that doesn't mean you feeling are wrong or weird. it just a "oh" moment.becasue it is and should be important. but put the emphasis on it being good weird.those happy butterflys.
let all other things you might be feeling come and go.becasue they will,you might now start to get all sorts of thoughts.some good.some bad,something scared or confusing. because marriage is something to be thought over and done when you ready and commited to the person for life. so its a great moment for you a good way though.
like any step or big decision we make in life it always makes us think,take stock and feel all sorts of things.
start planning how you want it to go.i no you don't want to make a big thing bout it because of the reason you mention you getting wed.but it might still be mark it. perhaps a meal or gathering at ur after.
what ring
what will you wear.
start thinking practical so you can get excited.

specialsubject Thu 26-Apr-18 14:06:29

i also found the ceremony really cringey, the vows are a bit...eewwww... but you cant just sign, you have to speak. only 15 mins though and worth it.

Pigflewpast Thu 26-Apr-18 14:06:58

We had our children before we got married. I still think I felt more "bound together" the day we did the pregnancy test for dd1 than the day we got married, 4 yrs later.

Thurlow Thu 26-Apr-18 14:07:04

I see it as a purely pragmatic thing to safeguard our assets. - Why don't more people understand this?

I think a lot of people find it hard to make that decision. It's been a very long time coming for us, putting aside some very deeply held feelings about marriage to come to this stage. I've been all over these boards for years talking about never wanting to be married! So from that perspective, it's a head vs heart battle for a lot of people and sometimes it takes a while for one to win over the other. Oh, and looking the IHT threshold in the eye...

OvertiredandConfused Thu 26-Apr-18 14:11:34

I was a witness at a secret mumsnet wedding in Reading about five years ago. It was a lovely event

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