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DH not come home - need talking down

(131 Posts)
CantSleepNow Tue 24-Apr-18 23:43:52

Disclaimer: I know I may be overreacting but I am suffering quite bad anxiety at the moment

DH went to a different city for a work thing today (we live in London). I had a medical appointment today which I was worried about so not feeling in a great way already.

Some major company news was announced whilst DH was at the meeting today which has thrown things up in the air in terms of his job. Also has made some of his colleagues very rich.

I get a call at around 8pm and they have been drinking as the now rich colleagues are celebrating. I say to DH I’m feeling crappy and anxious and not to be too late (plus he’s in a different city and needs to get home!)

His phone battery is shit and clearly died not long after this. He’s not home yet and I have no way of contacting him, no idea what state he is in and no idea whether he’s even made it back to London (last train for the night has left now).

I can’t calm down and don’t know what to do. I desperately need to sleep but my heart is racing. I just keep wondering what the hell I will do if he doesn’t come back? And my mind is now running through all the worst case scenarios.

I know it’s not actually that late but he drops kids off in the mornings and I desperately need to get some sleep but can’t.

Not sure what I’m even asking here sad

Firgoodnesssake Tue 24-Apr-18 23:47:52

He will be drinking and lost track of time. Plus he’s an adult and not a small child so stop worrying and go to sleep

Crispbutty Tue 24-Apr-18 23:52:42

Get to sleep. His phone has died, he’s out on the lash. He will have a hangover tomorrow.

Doesn’t sound like it’s a regular occurrence so cut him some slack and get to bed.

CantSleepNow Tue 24-Apr-18 23:54:08

He’s out on the lash in a different city with no trains to get back now - and is supposed to be dropping kids off to childcare in the morning so I can go to work!

Not a regular occurrence any more no.

BennyTheBall Tue 24-Apr-18 23:55:59

It’s horrible to be anxious, I’d imagine.

But these threads always end with the husband safely home.

JessicaJonesJacket Tue 24-Apr-18 23:57:32

You asked him to come back early but he didn't agree to come back early.

It sounds like they received momentous news at work so, of course, they're going to want to celebrate, commisserate and process that together. I wouldn't usually say this but let tonight be about him.

Go to sleep.

Tomorrow you can have a chat about him letting you know when he's going to be out late. But tbh if he may be losing his job, I think that's the most important consideration not that you expected him back earlier.

CantSleepNow Wed 25-Apr-18 00:04:25

He’s not losing his job (he clarified this).

I was suppose to have a breast x Ray today after being referred by GP due to persistent pain. Had a physical exam at the hospital then was sent to radiology dept only to find out the clinic had been cancelled. So it’s now been postponed for another week.

So was already feeling anxious about that which DH knows.

I know there has been big news, but why does that mean is ok to completely disregard me, leave me with no way of contacting him, and to put himself in a state which means he won’t be able to drive the kids in the morning making me late for work?

40isnew50 Wed 25-Apr-18 00:10:02

Sometimes things just happen. I doubt he did it on purpose. It sounds like a one-off. Cut him some slack maybe? Download a sleep app on your phone and get some rest x

CaptainNelson Wed 25-Apr-18 00:33:27

OP, I really feel for you. But as others have said, there's nothing you can do right now about your DH. Your best bet is to concentrate on working out a plan for the morning that doesn't involve relying on him, so you can feel in control. Can you arrange to arrive a bit late at work? Or is there someone you could drop the kids with early and they drop them at school? I'm sure lots of friends would be happy to help in the circumstances, you don't need to tell them any more than you're comfortable with. Get a hot drink, write down a plan, then when you're a bit calmer, go back to bed. Tomorrow you can deal with your husband.
Also, it's just possible that he's also anxious about your health situation and is displacing it with the night out so he doesn't have to confront it. Not helpful or very adult, but not unlikely. I'm sure he'll be fine. flowers

LanguidLobster Wed 25-Apr-18 00:35:36

Would he catch a taxi back if he'd missed the train, or stay in a hotel?

Sakurasnail Wed 25-Apr-18 00:43:22

I know there has been big news, but why does that mean is ok to completely disregard me, leave me with no way of contacting him, and to put himself in a state which means he won’t be able to drive the kids in the morning making me late for work?

How is he completely disregarding you? It was major news, he didn't want to trot back home early when everyone else sharing his concerns was out. Nothing wrong in that.
What do you propose he do about keeping in touch if his phone died? Not everyone remembers phone numbers so it's not just a matter of calling you from a friend's phone. He probably isn't thinking you're getting so worked up, esp if he's already had a lot to drink.
You might have to be late taking your DC in the morning... Happened to most of us at some point and it's not the end of the world. Can DC be left with playground supervisors early?
I know it's worrying, but try putting those concerns into perspective.

NorthEndGal Wed 25-Apr-18 02:08:51

Try and sleep, and tell him to keep a battery pack with him in future

MrsJonesAndMe Wed 25-Apr-18 06:38:27

I hope you got some sleep. I agree with you that he was very inconsiderate at best. He has responsibilities and this is impacting you and your job!

PurpleSea Wed 25-Apr-18 06:56:23

Is your DH home yet, OP?

CantSleepNow Wed 25-Apr-18 07:12:23

Yes - 2.30 am, incoherent and then proceeded to fall on me and then take all the duvet away.

He’s still asleep so will be leaving in 20 mins to take the kids to breakfast club (I start early so I can finish early to collect them).

It’s not ideal as I had to leave work early yesterday for my hospital appointment but I’m not going to wake him, and even if I did he would be still over the limit to drive.

Was supposed to be taking him out for dinner for his birthday tonight but I’m shattered. DS got up at 6am so I’ve had very little sleep. So will be cancelling and getting an early night. Doubt he’ll want to go out again anyway

Thanks to those who talked some sense into me last night. I wish I could just go to sleep when he’s out but I can’t.

Rachie1973 Wed 25-Apr-18 07:15:13

I wish I could just go to sleep when he’s out but I can’t.

You need to address that, not him.

CantSleepNow Wed 25-Apr-18 07:30:12

Yes I’m aware of that. Thanks.

Seems like most people think DH doesn’t actually need to be at all considerate of my feelings though? I just need to get over it, keep quiet and pick up the slack today?

user1471462428 Wed 25-Apr-18 07:36:12

I think if it’s a regular occurrence he needs a kick up the bum but if it’s a one off you should let it go tbh

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 25-Apr-18 07:36:19

It will benefit you if you can get on top of your anxiety but you don't have to cut him any slack if you don't want to.

DidNotThinkItWouldHappenHere Wed 25-Apr-18 07:36:45

Op, I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok for him to be inconsiderate, but then that goes both ways

Clearly this was a one off in exceptional circumstances - and you need to be a bit flexible within a relationship when things crop up unexpectedly. It's not ideal, but it's not a deal breaker either.

If this was every weekend or even once a month you'd get a different response, I'm sure.

LoniceraJaponica Wed 25-Apr-18 07:38:03

I'm surprised at the number of posters who think this kind of behaviour is normal. It would be totally out of character if my husband did this, and I would be too worried to go to sleep, so I don't think you have over-reacted at all CantSleepNow.

Some of you must be married to/living with inconsiderate arseholes to accept that this kind of behaviour is OK. OH and I have never done this to each other.

I hope your radiology appointment doesn't find anything untoward flowers

Furano Wed 25-Apr-18 07:38:11

Why does you feeling anxious trip his desire to go our with colleagues? Genuine question. Don’t you think that is very controlling of another adult?

ISpeakJive Wed 25-Apr-18 07:38:38

As a one off, yes you should.
When was the last time he did this?

Whisky2014 Wed 25-Apr-18 07:40:22

You're being very precious.

LARLARLAND Wed 25-Apr-18 07:40:56

This was obviously a big moment in your DH's career so why should it be all about you and your feelings?

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