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Daughter gaining alot of weight. What to do?!

(236 Posts)
AgonyUncle Sun 22-Apr-18 21:16:19

NC here!

DD is 20 and is at university. She was a healthy weight when she joined but has piled on alot of weight since and is now in her final year. Last time I saw her in September last year I was shocked to see how big she was but said nothing. DGM saw her recently and said she has put even more weight on and is concerned about her.

I am worried about her health but am not sure what to do. She lives with DM when not at university and I don't see her much as I live some distance away although we keep in touch regularly.

I understand that raising such a sensitive subject with DD could cause worse problems so am reluctant to speak to her.

I see 3 options:
1 I speak to her
2 I discuss with her mum and she speaks to her
3 DD is 20 and old enough to know that she needs to lose weight and will do it of her own accord some time hopefully, so don't say anything to her, and just leave it.

If I speak to her, what should I say to her.

I'm interested to hear your opinions and advice on this. Thank you.

Giraffeski Sun 22-Apr-18 21:20:37

Does she have a mirror? Im sure she's aware of her weight, not sure you need to mention it really. She's an adult.
Are you her father or stepmother? Its unclear from the post.

nellly Sun 22-Apr-18 21:22:05

I'll be honest I piled weight on at uni, I wish a loving parent had gently told me how bloody hard it would be to lose ...

ISeeTheLight Sun 22-Apr-18 21:22:21

I wouldn't say anything. I'm overweight, perfectly well aware of it and my 'helpful' dad emailing tips on how to lose weight is really quite insulting and painful.

Sadsnake Sun 22-Apr-18 21:22:59

Ignor it,she's an adult,she can look in a mirror.if she wants to discuss it she will bring the subject up...if she dosnt want to discuss it ,she won't.

user1471553214 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:23:25

Really, really you don’t need to mention it. There will be no one more aware and unhappy about her weight gain than her. She’ll do something about it when and if she’s able and ready

BendydickCuminsnatch Sun 22-Apr-18 21:24:15

Well judging by the username Giraffe, I’d wager dad.

OP it depends on your relationship with her I guess. I’m sure my parents had the same quandary with me around the same age. I did have relatives mention it here and there but I think everyone just took the don’t say anything approach. I think as I matured I found my own ways of tackling the problem. Not very helpful I’m afraid!

BendydickCuminsnatch Sun 22-Apr-18 21:24:58

*everyone who mattered

bluebell34567 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:25:25

you can gently tell her.

AgonyUncle Sun 22-Apr-18 21:25:33

@Giraffeski I'm her dad

helpmum2003 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:25:36

I'm facing the same issue with dc. I've decided to discuss with them - didn't go brilliantly so time will tell. Personally I think society is too scared to discuss the issue. It's so hard to lose it....

CocoaGin Sun 22-Apr-18 21:26:56

I don't see any issue in raising it, and saying you are concerned for her health. Just be nice in saying it, not confrontational and ask if there is anything you can do to support her in getting healthier.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 22-Apr-18 21:28:22

Who are you in all this? Her uncle?

Fat people tend to know they are fat. Unless they are in denial and weight has crept up on them. If you don't mind being the messenger that gets shot down then say something to her.

Susanjeffery1984 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:28:57

Don’t mention it. She will be very aware of it and commenting will not help.
I think it’s quite common to put weight on at university- I know i did! I lost it again when I got a job and more of a sense of routine.

anon99827 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:32:09

Deffo don't mention it. She's an adult now and can make her own choices. Don't make her feel bad

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 22-Apr-18 21:32:27

It's very common to put weight on at uni. Junk food and booze are student staples. Your DD knows. Just be a nice, kind, supportive father.

YoloSwaggins Sun 22-Apr-18 21:33:43

I piled on like 9kg at uni because of the lifestyle. I absolutely knew, as my clothes didn't fit - but my mum telling me didn't help. I just felt shit.

Once I started working, I lost it all and more and I'm pretty slim now. TBH I would leave it. I'm sure she knows, you may hurt her feelings, and it's one of those problems only she can fix when she's ready to.

Orchidflower1 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:34:38

Don’t say anything. Her diet will probably change anyway, her hurt feelings may not.

AgonyUncle Sun 22-Apr-18 21:34:59

She has a close group of friends whom she lives with in a house and they have all remained slim. She is the only one who has piled weight on

YoloSwaggins Sun 22-Apr-18 21:35:44

It's so hard to lose it....

I felt this at uni, but after I joined a gym at work and started doing weight training (first time ever, before I'd only done cardio) the weight literally all fell off in about 2 months.

SO I would definitely recommend weights! And not just those naff BodyPump classes, but proper weights.

PerfectlyDone Sun 22-Apr-18 21:36:22

She knows she's overweight.

I'd not mention her size if I was you, but ask her if she's ok? Anything troubling her? Anything you can help with?

My father made one remark about my legs (never had good legs even when I was a youngster) when I was about 12 and I can still remember how it made me feel.
Just don't say anything about her appearance - I do think it's a case of saying nothing if you cannot say anything nice.

WeAllHaveWings Sun 22-Apr-18 21:39:01

Is a difficult one, how far away do you stay? Can you see her more often?

Telling someone they are overweight, especially a dad telling a young adult daughter, when you arent around to support them finding a solution could make things worse rather than better. It could impact her self esteem, cause her to feel shameful or defensive.

Is there someone who is physically closer who can engage with her face to face or someone who can do fitness classes etc with her?

PasDeDeux Sun 22-Apr-18 21:39:24

How much weight do you think shes gained? Just gone up a few dress sizes or is she now morbidly obese? If the latter then you'd be raising the matter with her out of genuine concern for her health, but if the former then honestly don't say anything as i'm sure she is aware and its not your place to point it out to her. She would be humiliated.

MistyMinge Sun 22-Apr-18 21:40:13

Please don't say anything. She'll know well enough herself, without you pointing it out. It's like asking someone to stop smoking, they know they should, but they have to be left to come to that decision and deal with it themselves.

She's likely to be feeling shit about it, don't make her feel ten times worse.

bobstersmum Sun 22-Apr-18 21:40:21

I put weight on in my 20s, I knew myself and was very unhappy at the time, my dm trying to gently tell me was really hurtful and embarrassing.
I felt it really unnecessary, obviously I knew I'd put weight on, I'd had to buy bigger bloody clothes for goodness sake!
I can never see why people think it's helpful to mention it?
Btw, I lost the weight after a couple of years, my own decision.

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