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Can't sleep, feeling lost

(9 Posts)
Donedonedon Sat 21-Apr-18 01:23:05

I've lost all sense of perspective. Things are not good with dp, I have resented him for a long time, I don't think he's supportive, doesn't do anything about the house, minimal with the kids, but like I say, have lost all sense of perspective so I don't know if it's me or him or both. Probably both.

Have a 4yo and 6mo, love them to bits but feel like I do badly by them, find it so hard to meet both their needs.

On mat leave from dead end job, don't think I can afford to not go back to work, but dp doesn't want to change his shifts, and we can't afford childcare so I'm facing being a sahm for the next 4 years, which I'm already struggling with, and having no income of my own. Dp has no money sense, and I'm terrified of having him in control of all finances.

Have been excited at the prospect of studying again until looking into it today and realising that there's no funding for second degrees and there's no way I can afford it/earn enough to fund it myself. Therefore stuck in dead end retail jobs/sahm forevermore.

This is everyday stuff, but I feel so stuck and can't see a way forward. I am stuck with a dp that things are not working anymore, stuck without an income or any hope of decent work, stuck at home being a shit mum to my two boys who deserve much more than I seem able to give.

I don't know, I just need a little light to aim for, but every path I look at seems blocked. I will find a way through, I know things work themselves out, but I feel my perspective is so shot right now I don't trust my decision making, but not doing anything doesn't seem an option either.

Argh, it's near half one and I'm tired, I don't even know what I'm getting at, just feeling crap and defeated right now.

Jenijena Sat 21-Apr-18 01:55:53

I’m so sorry things feel so bad. Middle of the night is a strange time for seeing both the absolute pits of a situation but also sometimes the realisation that you need to do something. But it’s not (usually) the time to make life changing decisions. And it’s certaibly the time my perspective is most screwed up.

I’m not saying things will feel better in the morning, but that you’ll be able to do more then.

There are many wiser mnetters than me who might be able to respond more positively but just wanted to say hi and hang on in there.

thecatfromjapan Sat 21-Apr-18 02:05:54

OK. One bit at a time.

If you can't get funding for a second degree, that means you have a first degree? Can you do an MA/MSc? Doesn't have to be in the subject you had a first degree in.

It's easy to feel like a crap mother when they're young - it's impossible to meet all the desires of the very small. It's actually impossible. And there aren't the hours in the day to do everything that needs doing. It's.not.possible. So cut yourself some slack. Do the cheesy thing of acknowledging and congratulating yourself on every small thing that you do. It works. I had a friend who did it, I thought she was crazy, then I tried, instead of telling myself off for every thing I didn't manage. It works. it works so much better than guilt and self-laceration.

I think you sound as though you are not loving full-time parenting. That's OK. Acknowledge it, then sit down with your dh and accept you are going to have to take the hit on childcare. Even if it means you only earn enough to cover the childcare, get a job, even if it's only part time at first.

The thing about working and childcare is that it is expensive at first but the eearning to childcare ratio changes as a. the children enter school and b. your earnings increase as you stay in the workplace. So, long-term, it's worth it - it's an investment.

In the short-term - stay sane. Look after your mental health. Do at least one thing for you a day. You matter.

And acknowledge that you are doing a good enough job. You really, really are.

Do you have friends around you? This is really important for mental well-being.

Tara336 Sat 21-Apr-18 02:20:33

I dreaded returning to work from maternity leave I was miserable in my job working for a horrible company. I knew I couldn’t stay at home as it just wasn’t the right thing for me. I went back for one morning knew I just couldn’t stay there and went and got a temping job I loved it, they offered me a permanent job and I stayed 18 very happy years working my way up the company. Yes I had mean comments for working full time when I had a baby, but she was happy and so was I. That risk/snap decision was the best thing I ever did and I don’t regret it despite being told I was mad by man6 people.

You know what is right for you and your boys. Everything always works out in the end. Deal with one thing at a time and go with your gut. For now though.. sleep

Donedonedon Sat 21-Apr-18 02:53:52

Thank you both. I know now is not the time to make any rash decisions, but things churn at this time of night for sure. I too often think about how things would pan out if I was to leave dp, so I'm used to making life changing decisions at night and then just getting up and getting on with things in the morning.

Thecat, thank you for taking so much time. I'm relieved that you've confirmed that it's impossible to do it all, I was just saying it to myself today in the thick of things, and I often wonder how other parents seem to manage. I know it's not meant to be easy, but my heart breaks to be always knocking my 4 year old back because the baby's grumbly or needing fed.

I actually enjoyed being st home with my son, though think I was a bit burned out later on, until he started nursery. I was working part time though which helped. I do enjoy being with them hugely, but individually! Which I rarely get a chance to do. My oldest struggles still without my full attention, and is still adapting to his brother. I'm sure it will improve as ds2 gets older.

I do need more in life though, I can't fathom being exclusively at home for the next four years. I have a job to go back to at the end of mat leave, part time, but we're struggling to see how it will fit in as it's in retail, low pay and late finishes, which makes childcare unaffordable and impractical, and my partner doesn't want to go back to the long hours we both had to do before to fit it in, which is fair enough. Perhaps I could do a Sunday, if work would agree to it and my partner could compromise.

I do need a break from home life. Sparse on the friends front, and no family nearby which definitely makes it harder. I have one good friend I see every couple of weeks, but she visits, so it's still juggling kids at the same time, but definitely welcome company.

As far as education, I do have a degree, from what feels like many moons ago. I haven't investigated doing an MSc, so thank you for that suggestion, I will definitely look into that. I just want to see a way out of dead end jobs and find something that's for me, and that will bring in a bit if income for security and the kids future. Feel a bit like time's running out, but I'm only mid thirties.

I've really rambled, but thank you for kind words and suggestions. I will try and go easier and praise my achievements however meagre, hopefully things will click into place in time.

Donedonedon Sat 21-Apr-18 02:59:40

Ah Tara, thank you, I hadn't seen your post. When it comes to work, I am definitely open to radical change, but I've made a bit of a mess of the first half of my life's work, and have little experience other than a handful of jobs, so I'm not sure there are that many opportunities open to me given my lack of experience. Maybe I'm being negative though. I need a change, that much is true! Not tonight, you're right, sleep is the best course of action.

thecatfromjapan Sat 21-Apr-18 03:05:34

At night, tell yourself a story, Seriously. Or imagine yourself in an adventure of some kind. It works with settling the mind far better than thinking about the future. Or allow yourself 15 mins tops for planning.

This age is just hard. That's all. I look back on the time when the children were small and am just amazed I survived. 'Well done me,' I say and try not to think about all the ways I fucked up .

Retail means that you have excellent people skills - particularly dealing with difficult people politely and with patience, maths skills, communication skills, and probably display and organisational skills too. All of those are transferrable. You probably have management skills too. You will also be good at working in teams, working under pressure and a whole load of other stuff. You'd be good in any client-facing role, in sales generally, and working with children.

You really need to work on your confidence, and perhaps start thinking about where you want to work, rather than where you have to work, or how you can't work.

What's your degree in?

(though I agree - you probably should head off for bed now!! grin)

befairdontjudge Sun 22-Apr-18 09:41:09

If you do a Stem subject as a second degree, funding is available

AristotlesTrousers Sun 22-Apr-18 09:48:35

If you do a Stem subject as a second degree, funding is available

Yes, this ^^

Also, you can get a postgraduate loan now too, so may also be worth looking at (currently doing one myself that I'd never have been able to afford otherwise).

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