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inheritance question WWYD?

(42 Posts)
CreativeMumma Wed 21-Mar-18 12:03:39

This might be a bit long so apologies in advance. I'm looking for ideas on how this could work and be fair to everyone.

My mother is thinking of rewriting her will (i agree its completely up to her who she leave he estate to) and she in theory wants it to be fair for all of us.

to outline the situation:
my older brother lives with her, has some learning difficulties and MH issues which means he's never moved out, works low paid unreliable jobs and therefore doesn't contribute to the running cost of the home. In fact she subs his lifestyle despite working a low wage herself. I live near by with my DH and children, we get by (i'm a SAHM), have a mortgage, can afford a car etc.

My mother is planning on changing her will so her only asset (her flat - fully paid) will be split 50/50 between myself and my DB however he will be able to live in it for his life time (so in some sort of trust i think?) upon his death i would get my 50% and his remaining would go to whoever he leaves it to. she is very worried if the flat was sold upon her death and split he would become homeless (we are in the south east).

My problem is this, he cannot (and never has been) afford to run a house, nor is he capable. i honestly believe he would get into debt, we cannot not afford to pay his bills or bail him out. in which case i'm assuming there would be a forced sale (and he would be homeless).
in theory he could get a lodger but due to LD and MH i don't think they would last long term and he would get into debt.

At the moment he doesn't want children and isn't in a relationship, however things change. what would happen if he moved someone in, and then passed away - i wouldn't be able to sell.

I feel really torn, of course don't want him to become homeless, but equally feel its unfair on my side to have to wait potentially 50 years to inherit (we are in our 30's). BD & I have a civil relationship but have been NC in the past and he wont discuss it with me.

She is seeing a solicitor soon, but i was wondering if anyone see a solution?

if you got this far thank you for reading!

cjt110 Wed 21-Mar-18 12:28:06

If he is unable to live alone, then perhaps the best option would be on your mothers passing, to sell the property with the money for your brother being placed in a trust for his care? Like residential care?

That's the only way I can see to ensure your brother is looked after.

Decasanova Wed 21-Mar-18 12:37:23

A solicitor should tell her that it is not a good idea.

Far better to sell when she dies and split half, his half to be spent on a flat.

Decasanova Wed 21-Mar-18 12:38:14

I get the feeling she wants him in the house because it's a way of getting you to come round and care for him after she's gone. That's not fair.

Babyroobs Wed 21-Mar-18 12:40:39

what happens if your mum needs care and her assets need to be sold to pay for that ?

Dozer Wed 21-Mar-18 12:42:47


A specialist voluntary sector organisation might have published advice for parents on providing for adult DC with health issues/learning disabilities.

Power of attorney issues too.

JanettheNotebookJunkie Wed 21-Mar-18 12:42:50

How much is the flat worth? What could your brother buy with half the sale proceeds?

TillyVonMilly Wed 21-Mar-18 12:43:32

I understand your mum wanting to provide a home for your brother but this arrangement will inevitably end up costing you as any repairs will fall to you as your brother won’t be in a position to sort and pay plus insurance and bills etc

pilf Wed 21-Mar-18 12:49:49

Forget how fair or unfair it is to wait for an inheritance and so on.

All you can do is point out that you don't want to be his carer in any way, including property maintenance.

(Logically maybe she should leave it all to him and his care - it sounds like he really needs it more than you, and that could stop you having to worry about him in future?)

Chanelprincess Wed 21-Mar-18 12:51:37

Could you investigate the option of selling the flat and using all of the money to purchase an assisted living flat for your DB? A friend of mine has just purchased something similar for his son with autism.

olderthanyouthink Wed 21-Mar-18 12:57:14

Really your DB need to be sorted out before your DM gets too unwell/dies because he won't be able to support himself financially if he is left the flat to live in. Will you have to pay for half the repairs if you own half, can you afford that?

Also there's the possibility that the flat will need to be sold to pay for your DMs care eventually, though there is an exception for if disabled relatives living there.

lightgool Wed 21-Mar-18 13:13:07

Is your DB claiming everything he's entitled to OP? My DS has learning difficulties and autism and he is able to cover the costs of running a home with his PIP and disabled tax credits. He does work but only part time and for a family friend. We do have to support him with the practicalities, but he also has a carer come in twice a week. DS was allocated a council flat due to his disabilities. It could be that your DB could live independently if he had enough support. Mencap and Scope were really helpful when we were looking for advice on this.

CreativeMumma Wed 21-Mar-18 13:33:57

Thank you for your replies.

His LD aren't so extreme what he would need assisted living (nor would he accept the help!) he would need help with the practical aspects such as reading letters, organising bills (which he couldn't pay), he needs help planning route for public transport, i guess life admin. he would not let me or my DH help.
He doesn't receive any help (outside of my DM) and wont apply for any, his MH is very up and down and means he is isolated. He wont see a GP about it or have any treatment.

unfortunately with a 50/50 split there wouldn't be enough for him to buy somewhere (unless he moved to different part of the uk) i think it would be roughly 200K each. Even if it could afford him to buy somewhere he wouldn't be able to navigate the process or pay the bills!

She knows we wouldn't be able to afford to bail him out and she keeps saying she wants to be fair but i don't see how it can be?
We have discussed the fact that she may have to sale to go into a home, but she hasn't talked to DB about that yet and i'm guessing he hasn't thought about it. Again he would talk to me about it at all, i suggested we all see the solicitor together so he hears it from the horses mouth but he refuses and has told DM he doesn't want me to go!

CreativeMumma Wed 21-Mar-18 13:35:36

also to add he isn't registered disabled. its quite complicated!

HerRoyalNotness Wed 21-Mar-18 13:43:35

This wouldn’t suit everyone, but would it be better to pool the resources and buy a house with a granny annex? Your DB could live in that and have some ‘admin’ help and your be sure he wouldn’t have to worry about house bills and such.

CreativeMumma Wed 21-Mar-18 14:23:27

I theory the nanny flat would work, but I know he wouldn’t do it, we are in London so it would be hard to have enough space and we would drive each other completely nuts! He has a drug issue so I wouldn’t want my children to be exposed that either.

CarrotVan Wed 21-Mar-18 14:38:28

She needs to see a solicitor and consider a discretionary will trust.

You also need to be very clear with her about how involved you're prepared to be in life admin for your brother.

She needs to speak honestly with your brother about the future and prepare him for a time when she's not there. He probably needs a social services assessment, may be entitled to various entitlements and may need a support worker to help him manage his life in the future. Better that she starts preparing him now

Juststrugglingabit Wed 21-Mar-18 14:40:21

Does your mum definitely understand that you are not willing to be a carer to him? Not just in terms of financially bailing him out, but in terms of supporting him with life admin? If not, then I think you need to be honest with her about that. At the moment she is making plans that seem, to me, to suggest that she thinks you will be involved in his support after she dies.

Unfortunately, a new plan may involve you not getting as much inheritance as you feel is fair, but it sounds like you getting a decent chunk of the house would mean that you would really struggle not to be involved. Is it worth it, especially when you don't want him around your kids?

Snowmagedon Wed 21-Mar-18 14:58:59

He sounds very stubborn I think he needs to be coerced into some sort of meeting or agreement.. You can surprisingly buy studio flats just outside London for 140,150 thousand.
Surely if he could access benefits all worries over!

Dozer Wed 21-Mar-18 16:08:48

Your DM needs to seek the specialist/legal advice.

If he needs help with “life admin” then he won’t be able to live independently and could risk losing the property.

As PPs say, she needs to be told if you’re unable/unwilling to assist him.

It will make it much more difficult that he isn’t “in the system” with social care, GP etc.

VladmirsPoutine Wed 21-Mar-18 16:24:54

How old is he?

Is your problem that you want to inherit the cash upon her death by selling the flat, or is it that you don't want to take up the role of caring for him upon her death?

DairyisClosed Wed 21-Mar-18 16:35:11

I think the more pressing issue is what will happen to him when she dies that the inheritance aspect. In her place I would give him the right to live in the flat until he either passed away or chose to leave and then leave 100% to you/your children (it's not like he is going to have children to leave it to). That way his debts cannot result in a forced sale of the flat and he will never be homeless at least.

CreativeMumma Wed 21-Mar-18 16:43:51

A bit of both really!

My children do see him but not for long and always with other adults around - family birthdays etc I just wouldn’t want them to have contact with him everyday as I don’t think he’d Cope and I don’t want them to be influenced by him.
He’s 35 and lives like a teenager!
In theory I would help him with life admin (but probably not as much as my DM does) but he wouldn’t let me help him, and even if he did he wouldn’t be able to afford the bills. He’s never learned to budget or save and is pretty reckless. I don’t think he’d move out of London, or even into say zone 6 even if it meant he’d be able to live!

I do understand it’s complicated and i’m trying to be objective about it but I can’t help but feel she is picking his needs over mine (I support her a lot emotionally).

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 21-Mar-18 16:48:48

I guess she’s picking the needs of the one who has greater needs, so yes she’s putting his over yours but you won’t be homeless without her.

I understand why it’s frustrating for you but that’s her DS, I think it’s understandable why she’s doing it.

aprilanne Wed 21-Mar-18 16:57:19

creative i am in this position .my youngest son is 18 has high functioning autism .in my will its not straight forward either .my other sons will make sure the youngest has appropriate housing then and only then they can sell the house and split the proceeds of whats left .its not about loving one child more but when you have a child with difficulties .its only natural to worry more .my other sons can work marry have a life .the youngest may or may .

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