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I’m being ghosted- am I supposed to acknowledge I know what’s happening?

(22 Posts)
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 07:18:11

Short story- friend has emigrated, made all the right noises before she left about staying in touch and realising she’d have a lot on her plate I’ve been sure to be the one to make contact. However aside from letting me know her new number, I’m yet to receive a proper reply in 3 months! She’s even been online when I’ve sent a message, read it immediately and then just ignored. The last message will be my last one.

What’s my next move? Delete her number? Facebook? Send a message saying I know she’s ignoring me? It’s all a bit weird because I have no idea why!!

NSEA Tue 20-Mar-18 07:19:52

Why not just leave it and not do anything else. Why remove her from Facebook? I don’t think this is ghosting but anyway, just carry on with life. You don’t need to acknowledge it.

Emma198 Tue 20-Mar-18 07:19:57

Just leave it. No need to send a message or do any deleting it probably isn't on purpose. Think you're overthinking.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 07:24:20

Well because I think it’s cowardly to just ignore someone and not say what the problem is. Not overthinking at all, just don’t like being treated like this.

MaverickSnoopy Tue 20-Mar-18 07:29:10

I have a friend who has recently emigrated and like your friend she hasn't particularly instigated anything. She's got in touch twice so far and I've been in touch a few times more than her. I think she's just busy and I'm busy too so I don't really think anything of it.

I wouldn't do anything if I were you. Friendships have ups and downs and she's just moved abroad. She's probably settling in and that takes time.

Firstworlddramas Tue 20-Mar-18 07:31:50

My best friends are those that I would be there for in their hour of need and vice Versa, some I've barely swapped messages with for two years now, if they called tomorrow and said they needed help, is so so in a heartbeat.

I don't like neediness

But that's me. You've already got your answer as you don't like being treated like this so move on. Doesn't mean you have to be unkind to the other person though. Let them live their life as they wish

I'm sorry if that upsets you and means you 'lose' a friendship but again personally I really don't get why that has to be the case

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 07:33:27

I know she’s been in contact with others a fair bit so definitely not a time thing. I’m busy too and have still found 60 secs to send a text.

Never mind. Lovely woman but I will accept and move on.

Thanks.

AnneTwacky Tue 20-Mar-18 07:33:55

OP, I understand. I wouldn't like it if all my messages were being ignored. Even if she's busy with her new life, she could manage a quick acknowledgment text back.

OP, I would just let her drift away. As annoying as it is if you challenge her about it, it's you who will look crazy. I would maybe send her one more message, than if no reply, let her drift away.

Don't do anything dramatic like deleting her or sending an angry message. Just concentrate on other friends and free yourself from the anxiety this friendship is causing you.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 07:36:27

I'm sorry if that upsets you and means you 'lose' a friendship but again personally I really don't get why that has to be the case

Erm because ignoring a perfectly polite text asking how you are and how you’ve settled is rude? Not neediness in the slightest. I don’t ‘need’ anything from her, I’ve just been friendly and chatted. Fuck some people are offended by a friendly message?!

zzzzz Tue 20-Mar-18 07:45:36

I think it’s quite telling that you think it’s “cowardly” not to respond to you. Why would a friend be scared to talk to you? Are you very dominant?

I’d guess she’s just busy and assumes you’d understand (but you don’t). If you like her, ffsgive her a break, if not then what’s the problem?

Sugarpiehoneyeye Tue 20-Mar-18 07:48:22

Georgie, don't send her anymore messages, her loss.
Your true friends will value you.

CaoNiMa Tue 20-Mar-18 07:54:08

Leave the lass alone! She's probably got her head full with settling in.

For what it's worth, I emigrated and didn't end up keeping in touch with the folk I thought I would. It happens. Let it go.

Susimoo Tue 20-Mar-18 07:55:50

Having been the person who emigrated I would try and cut your friend some slack.

It's is a hugely difficult time for the person who has left. You are in a new place, you are trying to live in the place you are in and make a life there. I was also recently bereaved and I was utterly overwhelmed with my old and my new life and how to make it all work.

It can be very time consuming for the person who has left keeping in contact with the many friends and relatives they left behind. Your one message may be one of many that week that they have to reply to.

It can also be very depressing. I would love to get messages and then it would pull me back to home and the homesickness was unbelievable. I struggled so badly for the first year. I was late in replying and tried to explain how is was feeling. My true friends waited for me to come out of the fog and normal communication resumed. There was no pressure or expectation.

Some people were very demanding and couldn't understand why I couldn't FaceTime or Skype but with the time difference it was near on impossible. A lengthy email deserves a lengthy reply but I didn't have it in me at the time.

I know it's not what you want to hear but if you can keep the lines of communication open hopefully your friend will come back to you.
thanks

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 07:58:19

Not cowardly not to respond, just not to say if there’s a problem or I’ve done something. We are in no way best friends but before she left she was very keen to stay in touch and urged us to FaceTime etc. Since she’s gone- nothing!

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 08:01:47

Susimoo I completely sympathise. This is slightly different in that she’s gone ‘back home’. She had lived here for many years but missed her home country too much so has moved back.

FancyRibbon Tue 20-Mar-18 08:04:43

My guess is, it’s not you, it’s her.
Often people who emigrate feel a lot of pressure to ‘justify’ that big move to the people back home and say how much better life is when they get there. Perhaps she’s having a really shit lonely time and doesn’t find that easy to talk about?

if you just leave it for now and send the occasional quick hi, thinking of you, in future, she’ll feel able to respond in time. I think even the best friendship will have its blips when they move to another country because it’s a huge emotional change for both.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 08:07:07

Yeah I’m done. I think it’s rude to not reply to a message IN THREE MONTHS and clearly I’m in the minortity but hey ho I’m fine with that.

Thanks all.

whiskyowl Tue 20-Mar-18 08:13:11

Emigration is a huge deal, and three months is hardly any time at all. She may well be struggling with the move in all kinds of ways. I know many people who have changed the country of their residence, and the vast majority have really struggled to settle and put down roots. She's also likely to be exhausted by the sheer amount of work involved.

I know it's rude not to respond to an email for three months, but it really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Maybe just be a bit more patient?

Susimoo Tue 20-Mar-18 08:13:33

Sorry @GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat I got the wrong end of the stick.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Tue 20-Mar-18 08:24:39

No that’s ok, I didn’t put that in the op.

sausagedogsmakechipolatas Tue 20-Mar-18 08:27:55

I’d just assume she’s moved on and not bother messaging again.

A so-called friend emigrated (same time zone) and although she did choose to keep in touch with others not from our town, hasn’t bothered with most of us since. Strange how we were good enough to help clean and pack but not for keeping in touch with.

retainertrainer Tue 20-Mar-18 09:47:08

Firstworld I agree with your principle of true friends being there for you if you need them even if you haven’t had contact for a long time but ignoring messages,taking months to reply etc is shitty and not what good friends are about.

I’m going through the same with one of my friends. She’s lovely and we’ve had some wonderful times over the years but the last 2 years have been awful. Ignored messages, forgotten birthdays, crap excuses to not meet up. It’s been really hurtful and I’ve reached the end with it.

I’d love to tell her how much it’s upset me but I’ve just taken a step back from it instead.

It is hurtful,it’s not about being needy when a friend starts treating you differently all of a sudden it is hard not to be affected by it.

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