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Would you have a baby on your own?

(76 Posts)
Lexia123 Mon 19-Mar-18 22:15:16

Just curious really. Sometimes I think I could manage, other times I think it might be too much to take on alone. Time is ticking and I don't want to leave it too late...

Baubletrouble43 Mon 19-Mar-18 22:22:13

Do you have a support network, eg parents/siblings/friends? x

Stormwhale Mon 19-Mar-18 22:24:10

Yes I absolutely would. I have a daughter already so that is an informed choice as to what i would be getting myself into.

VladmirsPoutine Mon 19-Mar-18 22:28:02

It would depend on my savings, career status and age. There's a board on here about this which I'm sure has a lot more info and insight, but if you're just after a chat then let's have it! grin

I think all in all (this might be an unpopular opinion) a lot of women are let down by expectations of a happy family whilst their husbands or partners are not as committed or supportive. They grow resentful of their partners / husbands and a shit-show ensues or they just put up because otherwise they'd be up shit creek not knowing how to cope alone.

The thing with going it alone is that your expectations are to be alone. There's no-one to let you down or reduce your expectations. Motherhood is tough as fuck regardless, but if you enter into it knowing all you want is a baby then so be it. The happy ever after is a fairytale that a lot of women seem to learn the hard way.

I have friends that have wonderful little families including mum, dad and baby, other friends that have gone it alone and others that have decided to not have children at all as they just don't 'want the hassle'.

Ultimately it's your choice. If time is ticking and you have the support then get going if it's what you want.

Dowser Mon 19-Mar-18 22:49:08

In this present day yes. 41 years ago when it wasn’t quite as acceptable to be a single

GerrysSuccessor Mon 19-Mar-18 22:52:23

I’d rather have a baby on my own than not at all, and if I hadn’t found dh I would have found another way

Snowmagedon Mon 19-Mar-18 22:53:11

With a strong support network even more important than money, yes, ie healthy mother, siblings friends who would take the baby occasionally or in times of emergency, money to pay for a few days hours nursery etc yes.

Without, no. It's gruelling, challenging, hard. We all find different stages hard, I found baby to 2.5 a doddle but 2.5 to 4 have pushed me to my emotional and mental limits... I don't have good support network or money but dh is great. Its been gruelling.

CompleteAisling Mon 19-Mar-18 22:56:34

Nope. Not in a million years.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Mon 19-Mar-18 23:02:35

Nope! I was only left a wk with my DD alone when my DH went on holiday and I was exhausted. I actually have a good baby but to have no partner would be so hard, however supportive friends or family say they will be it is not the same.

INeedNewShoes Mon 19-Mar-18 23:14:08

Yes, I would and I have and I'd 10 months in, I'd make the same decision again.

I spent a year researching how best to go about it, how it effects children who are donor-conceived and how to bring them up so that they are little affected by the circumstances. I chatted with friends and family to ensure I had their approval and support and then I made a start on the process of fertility treatment.

I have been incredibly lucky with support from friends and family. I do think this is important not only for you as a mum but also so that the child has plenty of influences in their life (because by choosing to be a single parent you are halving the number of grandparents, cousins etc.).

The first few weeks were hard because DD was slow to gain weight and I'd had a c section so couldn't drive her to all of her appointments. This phase would have been very stressful if my parents hadn't come to stay and were able to ferry us around and ensure I was well fed.

There hasn't even been one hour where I have regretted choosing to have my baby, even on the toughest days. Having said that, I suspect I am going to find the 'terrible twos' tougher than the baby phase.

If you do think you want to go ahead, you could have a look at the donor conception topic on the Mumsnet topics list.

The fertility treatment process is rather gruelling and support from those who understand what your going through is invaluable. There is a brilliant thread running on MN that supported me through trying to conceive.

INeedNewShoes Mon 19-Mar-18 23:14:57

Aha, baby brain. Remove 'I'd' from my first sentence grin

INeedNewShoes Mon 19-Mar-18 23:16:20

Blooming heck, and 'your' should be 'you're' in my last paragraph. Bedtime me thinks blush

CaffeineAndCrochet Mon 19-Mar-18 23:20:52

When I got pregnant, DD's father made it clear he wouldn't be involved, so I knew from the start I'd be on my own with her. I'm glad I did. I have a wonderful partner now and while he's fantastic with DD, he doesn't want children of his own. I'm glad I met him after I had her because I think I would have felt like I'd missed out on my chance to be a mother if I hadn't had her.

cockupparent Mon 19-Mar-18 23:25:34

Very much considering it currently via a coparenting arrangement.

How old are you?

Justmyownself Mon 19-Mar-18 23:26:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

demirose87 Mon 19-Mar-18 23:28:51

Yes I had three on my own. It's amazing how much we can cope with when we have to. Loved being a single mum. I have a fourth now but I'm married to his dad and everything has fallen into place for me. But I don't regret having my family and going it alone.

PurpleTraitor Mon 19-Mar-18 23:29:41

I would, yes. I’ve been a single parent through the baby and toddler stages. It was/is fine.

I can also assure you, odd previous poster thinking it is cruel, that there are much worse problems a person can have in life than not knowing a father - and that there are much worse fathers in the world than absent ones. I’m always sure the person in question would prefer to exist, regardless.

Minestheoneinthegreen Mon 19-Mar-18 23:30:13

Ignore the pp!
If you want to do it and have a good support network then go for it. My xh was useless, so better to be prepared and alone than left to cope despite being in a relationship.

hubbibubbub Mon 19-Mar-18 23:31:31

Absolutely no way

Unless I was young very healthy independently wealthy & owned my own home

Even the thought of Doing all drop off,pick up, working full time & all bills & all weekend activities/ parties for years on end makes me feel like running away!!

And no nights out, weekends away or any leisure time with friends ?? No way!! My family are crap and IMO even the most 'hospitable' offering friends and family would do max one weekend per year.

I would be a stressed nervous wreck. Imagine losing your job as a lone parent. I would be on anti anxiety medication for sure I could not cope.

IMO children Deseve two parents and a happy family or the intention of it, with biological relatives on both sides.

I would never have a baby alone but would be happy to be a back up for a single parent or friend with a husband away a lot etc to help them

HappyHedgehog247 Mon 19-Mar-18 23:33:32

Yes 100%! I ended up alone and it is sheer joy compared to an awful DP. It's hard work and takes planning and at times I was very tired but brings incomparable joy.

cockupparent Mon 19-Mar-18 23:36:10

Oh fuck off @Justmyownself I did it all the right way last time around - got married etc. Turned out he was an abusive selfish man who walked out on us and whilst my DS may know where he came from - he certainly doesn't match up to what I would call a "father"

I'm choosing to consider coparenting as this next child would have a father involved, I simply won't be in a romantic relationship with him. And many donors in private arrangements do have contact with their children just not necessarily shared PR.

But I can't judge any woman who chooses to have a child outside of a relationship.

OP it's an incredibly personal decision and one that only you will have to live with and your potential child. Suppose you never meet someone - is knowing that you didn't bring a child into the world who wouldn't have a present dad enough comfort for you to be at peace with that decision? You're the only one who can decide for you and your child where you stand morally on it

Plenty of children lose a parent in childhood, and cope without the 2.4 family plus dog into becoming well rounded lovely members of society

Neweternal Mon 19-Mar-18 23:38:07

Yes I did I was clueless. I'm self employed and was back to work immediately and DS was in nursery from six weeks. Did not like the baby stage I was too tired to properly cope. Once they're older it's great. I struggled mentally and although, i was financially secure and had a lot going for me. I cried everyday for five years, I never went to the doctor I was too busy and didn't want them to think I was weak. Both my parents were dead and DS father completely absent. I'm glad I did do it alone, but I wish I didn't suffer the indignity of child birth on my own, the whole thing is humiliating when you hoped for something else. I'm very happy now though. In all honesty it was incredibly tough, do not under estimate that.

MandrakeLake Mon 19-Mar-18 23:43:27

I can't think of anything I'd actively want to choose less. It might be just about manageable with a nt baby but what if the child had SEN? I wouldn't have enjoyed it alone with my nt child and with my SEN kid it would have been hell. I don't think it's very fair on the kids to actively choose to put them in vulnerable position.

VladmirsPoutine Tue 20-Mar-18 00:41:09

@Justmyownself I have an idea. Maybe you could piss off?

kentgirl1 Tue 20-Mar-18 00:47:37

I'm in bed with tears in my eyes as haven't slept now since god knows when. Partner is no help as he works, I have no family or friends round who can take DS during the day so I can sleep. So I would say as long as you have a good support network around you. If you don't and you have a child that doesn't sleep, be prepared to have a breakdown 🙈🙈

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