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Friendship? Would like to see his wife more?

(165 Posts)
LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 11:18:56

I know these threads can be quite irritating and it's hard to explain a friendship group but I'll have a go.

I have quite a large, longstanding friendship group where you form close friendships with a few, then the rest move in and out like a shoal of fish. They're all really nice people.

One of the ones I'm close friends with has a landmark celebration coming up so I wanted to arrange something in the nearest city and have contacted several people about it. One of them got back to me today and asked if I'd spoken to his wife about it.

This is a slight bone of contention as I really like her and would like to see more of her but he tends to compartmentalize and only want to see me on his own (he doesn't fancy me, his wife is brilliant).

I think I need to put my foot down a bit more and insist she comes along (if she wants to, of course). But I did feel slightly frazzled at our other friend asking about his wife, as he used to like me 15 years ago, long before he met his wife. She's extremely bright, pretty and lovely, he emphatically has no interest in me. I think he thinks he's my brother actually grin

So I guess the best course of action would be to go ahead with celebration but insist his wife comes, not feel frazzled about other friend asking about his wife, then be more demanding that she comes when we meet for coffee thereafter?

I nearly sent back quite a shitty text to other friend this morning as I felt indignant at the suggestion I might exclude friend's wife. Grrr.

Thistlebelle Mon 19-Mar-18 11:22:33

I’m not quite sure I follow your post but surely your friend was saying “check with his wife” in case you were tromping all over any celebration she was planning for his birthday?

I’d normally assume it was the spouse/significant others place to
organise a big birthday celebration.

LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 11:26:39

Oh no not at all, I picked a weekend a couple of weeks away from the event as I assumed he'd want to see family over it.

But how on earth do I get to know his wife better if he won't let me? I found it really awkward being asked this morning if I'd checked with her as I don't have her phone number

villageshop Mon 19-Mar-18 11:26:58

I don't think it's your place to arrange a big birthday celebration now he is married.

Thistlebelle Mon 19-Mar-18 11:31:09

Why is it “awkward”? There’s nothing “awkward” about not having someone’s number. confused

Just text back and say “I would but do have her number, can you send it to me?”

You seem to be making this into something it’s not.

Get her number from someone, contact her via Fb or send her a note in the mail. <shrug>

It’s really not that big a deal.

Playdohnut Mon 19-Mar-18 11:31:53

Did you check with your friend that he wants this event organising before you started organising it? If he's okayed it, then I would assume he would invited the wife. If you're organising it without asking him, and haven't bounced the idea off his wife to check what else is going on, you're being a bit presumptuous, regardless of the closeness of the friendship.

LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 11:32:26

It's more coffee and cake rather than anything else and a fortnight away from the event. It's not taking the place of any family things.

Anyway it's up to them really, it would be nice if it went ahead (with both of them!) to catch up with everyone and have something to look forward to.

Snowyhere2018 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:34:17

Perhaps the friend who was asking is aware the wife is making arrangements for your friend's birthday?

TBH, your message is a bit garbled but what is coming across is that you have an issue with your friends wife. I am not clear if that's because you fancy him, you think he fancies you or just that you feel uncomfortable about him having a wife but not wanting to include her. Do you fancy him OP?

toomanyweeds Mon 19-Mar-18 11:34:38

I am really confused.

Fine if you want to involve wife more but you can't "insist" or "put your foot down". Just invite her each time you have a meet up.

The event may not be in his actual birthday weekend but they might still have plans so you need to check with her. Why can't your just ask the 2nd friend for her number and text her?

Have you considered the possibility that the wife just doesn't like you? (I'm not saying that this is the case, just a possibility).

Do you have a long term partner?

LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 11:40:44

Err no I don't fancy him!

I just felt a bit defensive this morning at being asked if I'd checked with her as I always ask him if she can come anyway. I don't think she dislikes me, last time we all went out I'd decided I wanted to go home after we'd been out for a meal and she ran after me and asked if I was sure I wanted to go home and not go on with them to a bar.

VimFuego101 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:41:55

I'm not clear on why you're organising this for him, if he's married, let alone not directly invite his wife along. It sounds like he's trying to drop a tactful hint that you're overstepping.

Snowyhere2018 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:44:09

It's not that odd a question to ask. Something is off with your relationship with this man and his wife. As I say, I suspect the friend who asked knows the wife has made arrangements and just wanted to make sure you had checked with her. It's not a dig at you from what I can see. Do you only see this man as part of a group or just the two of you?

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest Mon 19-Mar-18 11:46:26

It sounds like he's trying to drop a tactful hint that you're overstepping.

I agree with this.

I also think maybe his wife doesn't like you/some of your friendship group. It really don't your place to arrange anything or insist his wife comes.

MorelloKisses Mon 19-Mar-18 11:48:51

I agree. Tactful hint that you are overstepping.

The leaving early story sounds a bit like you might have been creating a bit of drama by going early...

Time for a very honest examination of your motives and a bit of distance/space I think.

Holycrapwhatnow Mon 19-Mar-18 11:53:18

This is all a bit confusing but to be clear:

'Bob' who used to fancy you 15 years ago is a good friend.
His wife 'Lisa' is lovely but he never wants her to be there when you catch up.
You are organising a party for Bob's 'landmark' birthday. You have contacted several people, not including Lisa. Have you even asked Bob? That's not clear either.
'Fred' another friend from the group has asked if you've checked with Lisa.

If this is right, Fred is on the money. Adults don't tend to organise celebrations for other adults at all, but definitely not without checking with that person's partner. Something is off and I think Fred knows it and you do too, which is why you are feeling a bit defensive. Lisa might be organising her own party or a trip away and your party might be completely in the way. Call Bob first if he's your friend and you haven't spoken already. Call Lisa too in case Fred was trying to hint there was a surprise in the works. Then find a way of being back in the group you discussed instead of fuelling a strange separate dynamic.

restingbemusedface Mon 19-Mar-18 11:53:28

Organising a bday event for him without checking with his wife (who you don’t really speak to) is overstepping it I think. I wouldn’t be impressed if I was the wife. In fact I remember once a female friend of my ex got him tickets to a gig on his bday but didn’t invite me. I was wary of her from them on.

Snowyhere2018 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:53:35

For what's it's worth OP, I don't think it's particularly weird that you would arrange a birthday celebration for someone in your friendship group and not consult the spouse if they aren't normally part of that group. What is odd is that you seem to think you are personally responsible for the wife not being included. Ie, you need to put your foot down, you need to insist his wife comes. The implication is that you and you alone are the reason she isn't part of this group. You then mention how he once fancied you but definitley doesn't now, and the wife is bright, pretty and brilliant. It's all a bit odd. Like your trying to convince yourself of something.

Snowyhere2018 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:55:08

winkI put money on you having crush on him.

GorgeousJaws Mon 19-Mar-18 11:55:19

I think the over stepping hint also.

Unforgiving2 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:55:22

The fact you felt quite put out at the friend who asked you shows there is an issue here. I also suspect others in the friendship group sense that there is an issue and that is why this friend asked you if you had asked the wife. I agree with the poster who said that this friend is hinting to you that you are overstepping the mark here.

It may not be that you fancy each other now, but I imagine the wife isn't majorly keen on hanging out with someone her husband used to fancy.

LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 11:56:44

No I left early as I have sensory issues with noise, my friends know that and knew I wouldn't go onto a noisy bar after the meal so I told a little white lie and said I was going to pause for a phone call before going home. She didn't know that and before going into the bar ran back and checked to see if I was ok and if I really didn't want to go with them, which was kind of her, there was no drama or flouncing.

I guess this has highlighted I need to say to friend that I'd like to see more of them as a couple (whether he agrees or not is a separate matter) as I feel a bit compartmentalized. He always insists on meeting up separately.

Unforgiving2 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:58:47

Do others in the friendship group bring their partners/spouses?

GorgeousJaws Mon 19-Mar-18 12:00:19

I think you think there's more to it in his mind, you're making a lot of him wanting to see you alone...

villageshop Mon 19-Mar-18 12:02:10

If he always insists you meet up separately without his wife, if I was his wife I would not be happy. His motives are suspect and as his wife that would raise alarm bells. It's hard enough as the wife on the outside of an old established friendship group. He should be doing everything to include his wife, not exclude her. I feel sorry for his wife.

I still feel strongly that it is not your place to arrange a celebration. He's a married man now, it is totally over-stepping the boundary that he put in place when he married.

Foodylicious Mon 19-Mar-18 12:02:57

Maybe a hint at overstepping

Also, is thete a teeny chance she (wife) has organised something that other friend knows about, but she hasn't invited you?

Your friend may not be being honest with you when he says he likes to keep things separate.
He could be hiding that she does not want to hang out with him and his friends

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