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DD cheated on bf and not sure what to say

(140 Posts)
eaturveggies Mon 19-Mar-18 01:38:04

My DD 16 came to me before crying because her BF had found out she had slept with someone else. I made all the right noises and she's asleep now but what do I say in the morning? Her BF is a lovely boy, they'd been together a year, been abroad alone together, all that, and I just feel disgusted she's done this. What doesn't help is that it's a 23 year old man she's slept with, I know she's at the age of consent but this concerns me a lot. Sorry if this is rambling, I'm trying to make sense of what to say.

windchimesabotage Mon 19-Mar-18 01:48:05

At 16 she is so young that its kind of understandable if still 'wrong'. I think keep the response from getting intense. Sort of 'well that was a bad idea wasnt it, but life goes on'
Hopefully she will learn from this. Shes not the only teenager to have done something stupid. I would try and not make a bigger issue of this than it is. I wouldnt focus on the 23 year old either (although I understand your concern) I think you dont want this becoming a romantic intense story do you? I think paint it as a stupid mistake rather than a 'shocking' thing just because you dont want it to become a huge issue to her. You dont want her thinking in romantic terms of this older man if at all possible.

LanguidLobster Mon 19-Mar-18 01:48:46

Don't say anything to bf, it isn't your business.

I'd initiate a chat with daughter in the morning however. It's practical things like she needs to get tested, sort out the relationship, not harm anyone etc

eaturveggies Mon 19-Mar-18 01:52:11

Thank you yes, I'll have a chat in the morning about it being a silly mistake. She's on the pill but I just hope she used a condom the silly girl.

zesty7 Mon 19-Mar-18 01:53:39

Understandable to be upset for two reasons one being your dd going for a man 7 years older whilst still quite young although an adult. And understandably disappointed that she thought cheating was okay?
I would try very hard to explain that cheating is not okay then apologise to the current boyfriend for your daughters behaviour
Daughter should be ashamed of herself blush hmm

TERFragetteCity Mon 19-Mar-18 02:19:50

I would try very hard to explain that cheating is not okay then apologise to the current boyfriend for your daughters behaviour. Daughter should be ashamed of herself

She is 16 and who she sleeps with is none of her boyfriend's, mother's or your concern.

angryburd Mon 19-Mar-18 02:35:58

Other than "that's what you get for cheating on your bf", what are you supposed to say to her?

Seeingadistance Mon 19-Mar-18 02:39:05

Sounds like her relationship with her boyfriend has reached its natural end. She's 16. A year is a long time for one relationship at that age.

I agree with TERF, and disagree strongly with pp who said she should be ashamed of herself. She needs her mother's love and unjudgmental listening ear while she decides what to do next. Her decision!

BrendasUmbrella Mon 19-Mar-18 02:40:29

apologise to the current boyfriend for your daughters behaviour

Err, no, do not do this.

Saz1995 Mon 19-Mar-18 05:23:10

I would probably just be a friendly ear and listen to what she wants to say but I wouldn't get too involved.

scrivette Mon 19-Mar-18 05:34:52

Saz has the best idea.
It's good that gout daughter feels confident enough to discuss the situation with you.

scrivette Mon 19-Mar-18 05:35:09


DixieFlatline Mon 19-Mar-18 05:45:59

then apologise to the current boyfriend for your daughters behaviour


FluffyHippo Mon 19-Mar-18 05:54:46

So, TERFragetteCity, apparently who she sleeps with is none of her boyfriend's business...

By the same token, presumably all those women over on the Relationships board agonising over their partners cheating should just shut up because it's nothing to do with them - it's not their concern who their DP chooses to sleep with.

seventh Mon 19-Mar-18 05:55:25

Be there for her. Do not judge (but STI check?) It's up to her to deal with boyfriend. Love her. 💕

Kitchenbound Mon 19-Mar-18 06:00:10

I wouldn't be apologising to her boyfriend thats not your job it's hers. You've clearly got a good relationship with her where she feels comfortable enough to come to you with something like this. Be an unjudgemental ear for her. Explain that what she did was silly and wrong but she's only 16 - think of it as a learning curve for her. Try find out why she did it so you can help her understand her actions. The older guy is very likely a smooth talker and she just got a bit swept away with it. Agree with windchimes - she's not the only teenager to make a mistake. 🙂

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 19-Mar-18 06:05:43

Goodness me. She should be ashamed of herself confused. She’s a 16 yo experimenting with her sexuality. Of course it’s wrong to cheat. But she’s at that not a child, not an adult stage. She doesn’t need your disgust, she’s got enough of that for herself. She needs your support. We all make mistakes. Hopefully it will be something to learn from especially if she receives lots of love and understanding from you.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Mon 19-Mar-18 06:10:31

At 16 they are unlikely to be together forever so this may be the relationship reaching it's natural end, a shame as he's a nice person but may be the natural course.

Of course cheating is v wrong, but I think at 16 lots of us make mistakes trying to navigate adult relationships, I wouldn't focus on what she's done wrong as I think that she will learn her lesson from the fall out, rather than being told off by her mum!

It's great that your daughter is able to talk to you about personal stuff. I'd talk to her and encourage her to reflect on why she cheated, was she wanting a way out of the relationship, flattered by the older man, bored? Try and help her figure out what is the best decision rather than automatically trying get back into the relationship as she feels very guilty.

Figuring this out will help her make better decisions in future.

The 23 year old.... Yes I'd feel upset by that. Although at 16/17 lots of my friends were seeing men in early 20s, once i reached early 20s it seemed quite wrong. I think I'd try and get her thinking on what she wanted to get out of the encounter with the 23 year old, maybe she fancied him but sleeping with him has caused a lot of upset for her and boyfriend, has the encounter made her feel better or worse overall, in similar situation in future would she want to do things differently? Does she need an sti screen?

Pluckedpencil Mon 19-Mar-18 06:16:52

I did this at this age. I obviously knew it was wrong, my mum didn't judge, she was super supportive and a shoulder to cry on and just said what's done is done and you'll not do it again, and that was that.

runningdoll Mon 19-Mar-18 06:17:12

Why is she a silly girl? Are we back in the 80's? That's the sort of thing comment that would have been made back's sits really nicely with the shame.

Give her some love and understanding, why did she do it? Did bf not take no for an answer when she wanted to split? Was she talked into it? Did she just want to?

Sorry for the tone but I grew up with sex being about shame and mistakes, it was awful!

FluffyHippo Mon 19-Mar-18 06:21:18

Awesome amounts of people projecting on this thread...

TIRFandProud Mon 19-Mar-18 06:22:21

She is 16 and who she sleeps with is none of her boyfriend's, mother's or your concern.

Of course if is.

Pretending you have a partner, is it your business who s/he sleeps with?

Sounds like she's learning a tough lesson but better now than if she was cheating on someone she was married to or had children with.

Comments suggesting that cheating is "experimenting with sexuality" and mindboggling.

She should have treated the boyfriend with some respect and let him go before fucking around with other men.

The suggestion "the boyfriend found out" means to me that she didn't tell him. Hope she hasn't passed on an STD! It's the kind of thing dirty cheaters do.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 19-Mar-18 06:24:19

I agree runningdoll. I also grew up with sex being shameful. To the extent that when I was 16 and my father died, my mother told me she never told him I’d had sex as that “would have destroyed him”. Words can cut very deep.

ShackUp Mon 19-Mar-18 06:26:10

She's 16, she can't properly see the consequences of her actions. No-one should be tied to one person at 16.

Sorry you've had weird responses OP thanks

Idontmeanto Mon 19-Mar-18 06:28:06

I think you just mother her, let her talk, gently raise idea of std testing. I don’t like the way you’ve said she’s “upset her boyfriend found out” not upset she did it. I’d want to let her know I didn’t like this attitude or consider it fair on the men she was seeing, but that’s secondary to unconditional parental love and all that.

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