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Am I wrong on this?

(85 Posts)
Blueannie Wed 14-Mar-18 09:11:04

I found out my husband was seeing someone else.
We have 3 young children (all under 9); his excuse was the "magic" went. He never told me anything until I eventually confronted him. It had been going on for over 3 months and he says they only kissed. At the time I was in shock and (not as expected) did not go steaming in when I saw them together; which I now regret.
He now says I'm not the person he first knew and expected me to attack him, confront him etc. whereas I thought I would do more harm and risk losing my children.
At the time I tried to gather more evidence of what was happening, which involved getting him followed and using a hidden camera in the car. I was convinced he would not come clean unless I had something to hit him with, not just what I saw.
He now says what I did (being followed and video evidence gathered) was nearly as bad as what he did and says this will take time for him to get over.
I'm the one saying lets move on and put things behind us and I forgive him but it now feels like I'm in the wrong.
What do any ladies out there think?

LIZS Wed 14-Mar-18 09:15:45

He's looking for ways to undermine you and deflect blame. The issue was his, no matter how extreme your tactics to find "proof".

Minestheoneinthegreen Wed 14-Mar-18 09:17:02

He's having a fucking laugh. Having him followed was a bit elaborate, but him now trying to minimise what he's done and shifting the blame to you is shit. He's a knob and it won't get better.

FauxFox Wed 14-Mar-18 09:20:42

Why do you care what he feels about you stalking him for evidence? I really don't feel you should give a shiny shite what he thinks about that, he is a pathetic cheat - the 'magic' has gone hmm you aren't the same person he first least 10 years shit! hmm I doubt he is the same either and bringing up a family is hard work. He needs to get a grip frankly.

I would be calling a divorce lawyer. The respect would be gone. If you want to mend the marriage he needs to stop whining quick smart and focus on being a much better, stronger husband and father.

Couchpotato3 Wed 14-Mar-18 09:23:12

Why would you even consider continuing a relationship with this lightweight? Ditch him and move on with your life. Don't kid yourself that staying with him is somehow the right thing to do for your children - they will just learn that Daddy gets to play away and Mummy puts up with it.
Don't let him deflect blame back on you - he was the one who stepped out of line. Find your self respect, hire a decent solicitor and take him for everything you can get.

Smeaton Wed 14-Mar-18 09:24:24

He is in the wrong. 100% in the wrong.

Or put it this way.
If spo!some committed a crime, it doesn't make the police worse than the criminals for gathering evidence.

He is being a cunt and if you stay he'll likely use your behaviour against you next time he's putting his cock in another woman and you're suspicious... And believe me, 3 months, there was more than kissing..

TillyVonMilly Wed 14-Mar-18 09:28:25

He is trying to make you the guilty party here. He is worried by the fact you were very resourceful in evidence gathering which shows you are capable of doing the same again if you have any more doubts about him. Basically you scared the shit out of him so his defence is to blame and convince you that your behaviour is as bad as his. In his eyes, he is hoping that you’ll back right down and never doubt him again. Is he actually sorry for his behaviour or more put out that you found him out?

Blueannie Wed 14-Mar-18 09:28:39

I'd have to admit that I did confront him in January and he said there was no one else (clearly was not true) so I/we agreed to a fresh start. I had been grumpy and short tempered (excuse for why it all started)but have since found a new lease of life and he's noticed, the kids have been better so I thought we were all good. Trouble was he kept on seeing this other person. He's a brilliant Dad and I don't want the children to suffer.

LadySainsburySeal Wed 14-Mar-18 09:31:06

He's not a brilliant dad. He's cheating on their mother! And then minimising what he has done because of the evidence you have gathered.

IJustLostTheGame Wed 14-Mar-18 09:32:48

Your kids will suffer. They will think it's normal/ok to be treated or treat someone like this.
They will find out eventually what is going on and be really affected by it.
And he won't change.
And it isn't your fault.

TillyVonMilly Wed 14-Mar-18 09:33:29

What form does a brilliant dad take? I’m sorry op but I’m struggling to see brilliance in a man who cheats on his wife, the mother of his children and couldn’t give a shit if he hurts her or not. In fact he will lie to cover his tracks and blame the mother when he is caught. Not traits I’d want teaching to children. Sorry flowers

Sarahjconnor Wed 14-Mar-18 09:35:28

He’s a terrible terrible father. He’s lying to and gaslighting their mother.

Blueannie Wed 14-Mar-18 09:36:13

I should say that he has immediately/already ceased all "activities"; has assured me on our children's lives that they only kissed, nothing else.
I do want things to work out for me and the children and I suppose the trust will take time to grow again.
I just don't get the anger etc. that is thrown back at me saying what I did was almost as bad. He said he was freaked out and even now wonders if he's being followed. I've assured (on our children's lives) him that since it all came into the open I've not needed any more following etc. but he says he still needs to get over this.

Smeaton Wed 14-Mar-18 09:37:54

He's not a brilliant Dad.. You're standards are very very low..

A brilliant dad would go to work. Come home. Look after his partner and his kids and not be using time he could be with them to be knobbing someone else.
A brilliant dad would take the kids out on a Saturday to spend time with them and maybe let his wife relax and have a day to herself. Not make up lies and sneak around to see other women.

The bare minimum you should expect from a shitty dad is loyalty.. And he can't even give you that.

Sounds harsh i know but I hate cheats, especially slimy ones that blame innocent people for their actions. It shouldn't matter if your partners grumpy, poorly, tired, etc.. They're you're partner and need support not cheating on.

Dancingmonkey87 Wed 14-Mar-18 09:40:26

Im sorry to say op he’s doing a lot more than just kissing, it wouldn’t be worth the risk and the fact he continued to see her wasn’t for a few stolen kisses, he is minisming and using the fact you using a camera to catch him out to deflect his actions. I guarantee he will not have ended it.

Sarahjconnor Wed 14-Mar-18 09:40:50

The anger (defensiveness) may well be the naracists mask slipping, god knows he’s been has lighting you long enough.

Smeaton Wed 14-Mar-18 09:41:00

I should say that he has immediately/already ceased all "activities"; has assured me on our children's lives that they only kissed, nothing else

Ahh that old chestnut..


Ime men will lie and swear green is polka dots if sex is involved.

Sarahjconnor Wed 14-Mar-18 09:41:14

And yes the ‘just kissing’ is ridiculous

LtheWife Wed 14-Mar-18 09:41:28

He's freaked out and wonders if he's still being followed? Sounds to me like he's trying to suss out if he can get away with carrying the affair on or if he needs to be more careful.

Dancingmonkey87 Wed 14-Mar-18 09:42:00

If anything he will lay low and restart his affair when things have settled down which is what it is an affair.

Blueannie Wed 14-Mar-18 09:47:12

OMG, he's looked me in the eye and said they only kissed, its stopped and promised on our children's lives.
He said if it had been anyone else at the time, the answer would have been no and if it had been that person at any other time, the answer would have been no.
He's put it down to circumstances (unhappy etc.) and this person (a family friend BTW), just a perfect storm of circumstances.
He knows he's massively in the wrong.

expatinscotland Wed 14-Mar-18 09:53:09

You're wrong for believing they only kissed. Haahahaaha! Oldest line in the book. Then he gaslighted you. You'll go on burying your head in the sand but the writing's on the wall - he cheated and then tried to blame you with lines straight out of a spoony's script 'The magic is gone,' 'You're not the same person (no, shit, Sherlock, we're both older and now have 3 kids'),' 'You were just as wrong to catch me out on my lies' - there's no fresh start or moving on with a person who doesn't own up to his lies.

Knittedfairies Wed 14-Mar-18 09:53:33

He's angry because he’s been found out.

Smeaton Wed 14-Mar-18 09:53:39

I mean this in the nicest possible way..

This 'man' has lied to you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day, of every week for over 3 months...

So why do you think he's telling the truth now?
Cause he says so?
Like he said there was no one else before and yet... There was..?

WinnieFosterTether Wed 14-Mar-18 09:54:40

He is gas-lighting you. He cheated which means he lied to you for months; broke his vows and only admitted it when you had proof. Yet, somehow he's managed to convince you that your behaviour was as bad. It wasn't. Your behaviour was completely understandable and if you really want to fix this relationship (although God knows why) then you both need to start from the same place based in truth which means he stops blaming you; he takes responsibility for having an affair; he takes responsibility for putting an affair before you and before your DCs; he takes responsibility for being a manipulative arse who tried to make his affair your fault; he works hard to regain your trust. If you can't see him doing any of that then there is nothing here to rebuild.
You need better boundaries and more confidence. Go to Relate on your own and tease out why you think you deserve so little. Think about the example you're showing your DCs. yy all of this is hard but it's even harder to pretend your DH is a good man and dad when he's a lying, cheating, manipulative arse.

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