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I have literally no idea what to do

(40 Posts)
SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:31:20

Brief as possible situation. Moved away from London for DH's work a year ago. I miss it viscerally. We now live in a small town that feels claustrophobic to me. I do a long commute to work and still spend some time in London and honestly it feels like my oxygen but I miss my kids when I'm there too. Originally this was a temporary arrangement which is why I kept my job, but DH has the chance of a promotion which would be great for his career. It would keep us here years longer and I can't carry on commuting. I have the possibility of a really interesting job locally now and it would be a promotion for me too. I'd see the kids a lot more. But I/we would be stuck here indefinitely. DH says if I feel strongly he won't go for the job and we can move back as planned next year. Objectively the jobs here are better for both of us but I feel panicky at the idea. WWYD? I know what I should do really if I was being a proper grown up.

TanteRose Wed 14-Mar-18 06:36:23

hmm, tough one.
So if you're commuting, you're still fairly close to the city?
maybe you can get your fix on the weekends?

the job locally, as long as it is indeed more interesting and challenging, does sound good.
I used to commute 2 hours into a big city, but now have a 15 minutes drive. I'm not sure I could do a long commute every day now.

are the kids at school?

pombal Wed 14-Mar-18 06:40:18

Can you say where it is, or a similar place to give an idea?

My only thought is that if you have a local job you could build up a network of friends and that may improve things.

I would also consider school options in both places, this would be a huge factor for me.

Another idea - is there a compromise, moving nearer to London so DH can take promotion but has to commute and you can live somewhere you both enjoy.
I get you don’t like where you are now but that doesn’t mean you can only ever live in London.

Good luck OP - not easy for you,

shouldwestayorshouldwego Wed 14-Mar-18 06:41:47

With commuting to London regularly do you think that perhaps you just haven't settled and made friends where you are? Working nearer to home might help with that feeling.

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:41:57

The odd weekend in London would be feasible. My commute involves overnight stays so it's not easily day trippable.

The kids are mostly in school. One is a preschooler and in my current role I was planning to drop hours a bit to spend more time with her before she started. The possible job would be full time so ironically I might actually see less of her.

Ohyesiam Wed 14-Mar-18 06:43:10

Follow your feelings

TanteRose Wed 14-Mar-18 06:47:02

so you have live-in childcare for when you are away?

actually, as long as I could stay for a couple of days in the city, I would be tempted to just continue as you are. Sounds bliss to have a night by myself away from the kids every now and again grin

seriously tho, if you move jobs locally, you must stop thinking that its claustrophobic and start thinking "community feel" - local friends are important, in my mind.

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:49:56

Not settling has definitely been an issue. I've been lucky to make a few good friends here but my lifestyle does limit how much I can nurture those friendships. I miss my friends in London a lot; more than that almost, I miss not being regarded as a mad Marxist for expressing views that are not casually racist or being seen as a crazy lady for having a different surname to my husband.

My commute is by plane and it's really a very sheltered community we currently live in. Halfway commuting would leave us in the sea...

The schools are a mixed bag. Our eldest is far better off where we currently are. Her SEN are better catered for and she is settled. The younger ones are in a good school here but also would (hopefully) have a very good primary in London too. One of my children is desperate to go back and asks every week when we're going.

TanteRose Wed 14-Mar-18 06:51:55

My commute is by plane

shock shock

TanteRose Wed 14-Mar-18 06:52:26

yeah, no...I take it back. Move back to London...wink

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:52:45

Tante - my live-in childcare is DH. grin

I thought my one or two nights a week would be great too and sometimes they are but quite often I just wish I was going home at the end of the working day.

TanteRose Wed 14-Mar-18 06:55:06

ah I see re:DH

would he be able to get a similar job in London? (not live-in childcare haha grin I mean , similar to the one he'll be getting a promotion in?

Megatron Wed 14-Mar-18 06:55:32

I miss not being regarded as a mad Marxist for expressing views that are not casually racist or being seen as a crazy lady for having a different surname to my husband.

Perhaps you need to consider a different town to the one you have chosen. I live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere and this attitude would be very unusual. What I mean is it may well be that the place you have chosen to live may be the issue rather than just not living in London.

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:56:53

Eventually, yes I think. Doing this job would leave us (leave both of us) in a better position to go back to London eventually. He could still get a decent job now though and that was the plan, until headhunters started tempting him.

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 06:59:26

Megatron- undoubtedly it is. I don't mean to suggest that everywhere but London has that attitude. It's just that our two alternatives right now are here or London. This place is pretty notorious for not being particularly cosmopolitan. The friends I have here are not like that at all either, and plenty of people aren't, but the voices that shout loudest are fairly reactionary.

fuzzyduck33 Wed 14-Mar-18 07:02:08

I'd take the local job, really throw yourself into the area where you're living now. You may settle much quicker when you're not constantly shuttling back and forth to London. If you have a job you enjoy there then that'll help you to build a social life too. Give it a few years and if it really isn't working out then think again but it doesn't sound like you've given it that much of a chance yet.

AJPTaylor Wed 14-Mar-18 07:04:42

if you feel that strongly move back to london.

Whisky2014 Wed 14-Mar-18 07:07:37

I think you should take the job and dh should take the promotion. You've been travelling to London staying over, clinging on to a thread you'd go back. Cut the thread, try the small village life properly, give it a year or 2 then make a decision.

SidandAndyssextoy Wed 14-Mar-18 07:07:51

Fuzzyduck - I really haven't and I'm conscious of that. I guess in my defence I thought it would be a much shorter stay but I could still have done more and the job doesn't help. I really don't know why I feel so panicked about staying here. Intellectually it is absolutely the right thing to do right now.

JoJoSM2 Wed 14-Mar-18 07:11:09

If you don't feel like you'll ever fit in, there no point stringing it out. You'd probably be better off finding a place that you feel you'll fit in, London or elsewhere.

fuzzyduck33 Wed 14-Mar-18 07:13:43

You probably feel panicked at the idea of giving up a lifestyle that is familiar and comfortable. Ultimately it may not be the right move for you and five years down the track you may be heading back to London however if both of you will benefit from good jobs there (and skills that could be transferred back to London at some point??) then I don't see the harm in trying. The lifestyle you have right now sounds exhausting!!

PoliticalBiscuit Wed 14-Mar-18 07:15:24

I'd move back to London.

chocatoo Wed 14-Mar-18 07:16:16

Go back to London. You tried it and you prefer London. Your feelings will lessen but they wont go away,

Iminthecclubnow Wed 14-Mar-18 07:18:32

My commute is by plane

What?! Oh, I thought you meant you had moved to Cambridgeshire or something....

So are you in Ireland or something now? Do you mean you literally have to cross the sea?

Hmmm, that's tricky. Yes I think I agree with others, to cut the tie with London for work and throw yourself into where you are. What would happen to your DHs job if you moved back?

EduCated Wed 14-Mar-18 07:26:04

Oh. I think I probably know where you are. And I would find it suffocating too. Sorry blush not particularly helpful.

You might find that getting properly stuck into life there would make you feel differently, rather than living half between the two and expecting it to end quickly, as you have been so far. Mentally it doesn’t really let you settle in.

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