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How to find out if a relationship has run it's course?

(20 Posts)
LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 19:45:46

Just this! How can you tell if there is something that can still be done? Or maybe it's just time to move on.

Queenofthedrivensnow Tue 13-Mar-18 20:02:25

What's going on to make you think that?

DiplomaticBag Tue 13-Mar-18 20:07:24

What do you mean by 'whether something can still be done'? What problem/s are you trying to rectify? Are we talking about a long marriage or someone you've been seeing for a few months?

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 20:07:58

A lot of things for a long period of time. I am not sure if these are the general hiccups of marriage that everybody goes through? Or may be this is the end. I don't know.
One thing is for sure though, that I have no patience for this

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 20:12:07

Married for 8 years. We were compatible when we got married but slowly things started to fall apart. There is so much to write that I can't even write it down without rambling.

TelekenesisThesis Tue 13-Mar-18 20:41:43

I’m watching with interest. I’m in that same boat OP.

LanguidLobster Tue 13-Mar-18 20:49:44

I don't know based on that OP - do you have compatible lifestyles and are your lives enmeshed?

I mean would it be tricky to detangle if you wanted to leave?

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 20:52:43

It's the same old story on repeat. He does things that are not good, pleasant, wanted or discussed in-spite of me making my self clear over and over again. We argue and the environment in the house extremely unpleasant for days altogether. Then he comes and half apologises and things are back to normal on the surface. He says - things like
"I didn't mean to do this", " I didn't think you actually meant what you were saying", " I am changing for good "
" I am not the same person I used to be"

Few weeks or may be a month down the line, he starts the cycle again. It's all different things ranging from his bad habits,to harassment by his parents etc
I am fed up !

Mogleflop Tue 13-Mar-18 20:54:14

I couldn't live like that myself. You could try couples counselling? But he's not going to fundamentally change and neither are you. It's just a matter of what you can put up with.

GransGloves Tue 13-Mar-18 20:56:15

In your situation where it's a 'fed up with the status quo' scenario I would try counselling. It will at least give you space and time to get some of the issues out before both of you and work out whether they are something that can/should be resolved, or whether they are simply insurmountable. You were obviously happy and compatible once and to me, it is worth exploring whether you can find your way back there as a couple or not.

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 21:08:36

I booked counselling as I could feel that things were getting out of hand. He cancelled it, saying that he felt everything was ok.
Then booked it again a year or so later, went to one session & it was okish. Counsellor wanted to see him independently on a regular basis, to identify DH's issues before he helped us as a couple.
DH went twice and cancelled rest of the sessions blaming lack of time & his effort to save money.
He clearly values his time & money over our relationship.

Arealhumanbeing Tue 13-Mar-18 21:19:36

Is it possible for you to take some time away from home? (not sure if you have children.)

Calmly explain that you’re unhappy and why and then give him some space. Maybe a week or two.

Canceling the counseling sessions isn’t a good sign. He doesn’t seem to be listening to you.

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 21:27:09

A real human.....I know he is not listening and never has. But st the same time he likes to think that he listens a lot, that he is trying his best .... I don't understand how can someone fool them selves?
His bad decisions both personal & business wise have left a damaging effect on our lives.
It baffles me that it takes him years to understand something that an average person can understand in a matter of months.

LanguidLobster Tue 13-Mar-18 21:45:17

Ok, so...he's made mistakes which have impacted on your life together.

Do you feel like he understands and you can rebuild a life together?

Arealhumanbeing Tue 13-Mar-18 22:46:06

I see. I think it depends on whether he is willing to go back to counseling then.

Maybe giving him the ultimatum and then staying somewhere else for a while will focus his mind.

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 23:03:34

Languid.... Like I have said previously, he says he understand and is trying but it never shows in his actions. I am not sure about rebuilding a life together now blush

LockedJawTrouble Tue 13-Mar-18 23:04:35

Arealhumanbeing.....I just want to get away from him. If it wasn't for my child Imeould just pack up & leave

LanguidLobster Tue 13-Mar-18 23:09:40

It's really up to you, Jaw - I've always thought a marriage or partnership should be based on mutual goals and understanding. With a little leeway, as no-one's perfect.

Reminds me of the quote 'a love that does not advance can never renew itself'.

You don't sound very in love at present! But I guess you need to work out what you want and what you won't compromise on and then speak to him when you feel a bit clearer about it smile

Froglette16 Tue 13-Mar-18 23:24:32

Christmas concerns
I have an elderly mother with heart issues. My in laws are acrimoniously divorced. MIL speaks aloud anything she thinks. She creates issues even when we spend time with her on her own. FIL has long term partner. She's great! He hates the fact that I'm not from his country and raise the kids the way I was brought up (lots of love and affection). My OH thinks we should have all the grandparents for Xmas.
a. We don't have room for everyone
B. For christenings we've had to rely on a local hotel for overflow
C. My in laws compete for time with us
D. My mum needs a spare bed in our house more than my in laws
E. Myin laws are going to kick up a huge fuss if we say come for Xmas but you'll be staying down the road
It's March and I'm already stressing about this. Any tips gratefully received! xx

LanguidLobster Tue 13-Mar-18 23:30:30

Frog think you've hopped onto the wrong thread smile

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