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I honestly cannot cope with my child

(94 Posts)
isittimetogotobed Wed 07-Mar-18 22:15:58

He causes such a fuss about going to bed he takes from 10 until 12pm to get ready and then will stand repeatedly banging his bedroom door and shouting 'goodnight I love you' until either his brother, father or I respond. He will not be satisfied if you try to tell him to go to bed, he needs you to be upset/ get cross and scream to shut up and go to sleep. Then he will go quiet while we lie there so distraught and tense it's unreal.
This has been going on in its various forms for 7 years. We have been to the GP/ phycologist: CAMHS and a private therapist ( hypnotherapy and CBT) it ebbs and flows. He doesn't do this at the weekend or in the holidays, it's all tied to having to get up in the morning and supposedly worrying about not getting up in time but I've run out of patience. I think I might actually go insane or have to send him to live elsewhere.
I'm not expecting any miracles or answers I'm just venting Because I'm sooooo fed up of it 😩

bellasuewow Wed 07-Mar-18 22:30:13

How old is he op and what have the professionals said, what does your do say is the reason. Sounds really frustration and unusual for behavior to be so repetitive and entrench over such a long time period.

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 21:50:17

He has been diagnosed as having generalised anxiety with OCD type behaviours.

It's incredibly frustrating and we are just gearing up for another night of it now.
I'm not sure my marriage to his dad will survive the pressure it causes to be honest it's horrendous.

It started as persistently needing the toilet at night time and now includes the toilet repeatedly/ doors shouting out etc. It's so draining and his siblings are suffering as well as it's so stressful.

He will say all day I won't do it tonight mum and then come 9,30/ 10 pm it starts.

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 21:59:53

I've bought him a book on OCD for teens but he won't even entertain reading it confused

user1471459936 Thu 08-Mar-18 22:01:58

I have no experience but could you lie with him until he sleeps. Would that calm him?

Sharkofdestruction Thu 08-Mar-18 22:06:05

Have you looked at hand in hand parenting? It is based in a five yr old in this example but the principle is great.

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 22:07:19

Sorry I forgot to say he is almost 14!

I have tried lying with him and sleeping on his floor but it didn't work and he got her up that it wasn't part of the 'routine'. It was also deeply stressful for me as every time my eyes closed he would wake me which caused me to really lose my temper and shout ( not helpful At all really)

I honestly have such feelings of resentfulness when I am repeatedly woken over and over it's awful

His sibling said they hate him and I cannot blame him to be honest

stayathomegardener Thu 08-Mar-18 22:08:08

Is he super stressing about school?
Has it become a ritual/habit? Can you remove the door if he is banging it?
Have you asked him what would help him stop?

So many questions, sorry.
Must be very difficult for you all.

KarmaStar Thu 08-Mar-18 22:08:20

You must be exhusted!
Can you stop his drinks earlier in the evening so he doesn't need the toilet so much?
If he will discuss it during the day,would a reward system work?with a star or point of plastic coin he could put in a jar each morning after a quiet night and when he has seven award points he gets a great or day out?
Or would extra exercise fire him out?
I really hope something works soon flowers

user1471459936 Thu 08-Mar-18 22:15:20

Home school? Extreme but might help short term if he doesn't have the pressure. That is, if you have capacity to do so.

RemainOptimistic Thu 08-Mar-18 22:23:56

This is going to sound harsh but have you tried letting it run its course so he can see nothing bad will happen? So the dysfunctional routine is not followed, he can just express his emotions however he needs to while everyone else stays calm. Might need to take some annual leave and do it for a week. Siblings stay elsewhere so their sleep not disrupted. So even if he stays up to 3am and gets really upset it won't have an excessive impact.

CBT is about identifying thoughts and replacing them with other thoughts, but that requires faith in the system of CBT itself and a lot of active work. Whereas seeing evidence that he is OK without the routine might be the breakthrough he needs.

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 22:26:36

I work full time so home school would be hard and it isn't that he doesn't want to go to school it's just that he thinks he will not get up in time ( he has never ever been late so it's not a 'real issue)

He does exercise and has started running in he evening which hasn't had any affect yet ( he has been worse if anything)

He not incentivised by anything and refuses to talk about it ( sat and said nothing for an hour and a half at CAMHS)

I'm have such sympathies with him and yet all this disappears in the holidays or weekends so it does feel like there is an element of choice.

I have noticed that he almost smiles when I shout or cry like that's the aim and once he has achieved that he will just go off to sleep which is incredibly frustrating

In many ways he is a lovely boy in the daytime but come the evening it's just horrendous

lightoflaluna Thu 08-Mar-18 22:32:00

No answers but that sounds incredibly hard and i'm sorry that camhs haven't been able to help. If they diagnosed him with OCD/Anxiety, were they able to offer anything?

Do you know whether school has any access to mental health or other support services. You could ask them about opening an Early Help plan to see if they can pull any other agencies in.

GwenStaceyRocks Thu 08-Mar-18 22:32:50

Have you read anything about PANDAS/PANS? It can cause OCD behaviour, anxiety and issues around toileting. It's caused by complications from strep hence it won't respond to disciplining but to medical treatment.

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 22:47:51

CAMHS gave him some sessions with reach which were pretty useless really (group sessions which he wouldn't talk in) and in the middle of he school day so we went privately to a therapist which got on well with bit after some initial progress didn't do much and was £70 a go ( we couldn't keep that up for ever

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 22:52:46

Bizarre light, I work with children with behavioural issues so I'm aware of resources locally and have tried lots. School have counsellors but he is adamant he doesn't want school to get involved ( I have told his year head but my son doesn't know I've told them)
I feel like all the therapy require his will to change and at the moment that is lacking. He will say he wants to stop but because he feels he need to do it he isn't willing to engage with any therapy or do any work to resolve it?

I'll look at the PANDAS stuff thank you

Mummyontherun86 Thu 08-Mar-18 22:54:27

Have you tried totally relaxing all rules just as an experiment. So he doesn’t actually need to go to bed. You go to bed and say night. He can stay up, watch a dvd, or sleep downstairs or go up to bed. But none of it is controlled. I just wonder if it could break the pattern?

I have sympathy, I had terrible insomnia and anxiety around school. It probably isn’t in his control. I’d sleep perfectly Friday and Saturday and then be up until 5am every other night. It wasn’t fun for me, though fortunately for my parents I ‘dealt’ with it all alone.


user1510568216 Thu 08-Mar-18 22:57:08

I can literally imagine your frustration & anger with this. I wasn't expecting you to say he was 14 though. I went through similar but at a much younger age. What's he like when he stays elsewhere or your not there?

DextroDependant Thu 08-Mar-18 22:58:44

I am probably way offmark and I don't want to be offense so If I am being stupid please just ignore me but can you not just shout at him at 10.15 and have it over with?

isittimetogotobed Thu 08-Mar-18 23:03:08

Dextro you would think wouldn't you! Just shout at 10pm he still needs to do all his stuff and then get shouted at angry

We have relaxed all the rules at times and said as long as he stays quite in his room he can to all intents and purposes do ax he pleases
Books/ mindful colouring/ tv. Non of it had worked
Im contemplating asking the GP for a sedative for a few day to try to break the cycle?

Noimaginationforanotherusernam Thu 08-Mar-18 23:04:29

Would medication help? My son has Tourette’s and OCB and was ‘hearing’ voices criticising him when he tried to sleep. Consequently he couldn’t sleep. Prozac has helped his agitation and obsessionality. He’s now 15.
It’s very difficult for people with OCD to turn off thoughts, and sometimes I think teenagers are too young to take on the psychological help.

Goldmandra Thu 08-Mar-18 23:04:50

Has he had a full neurodevelopmental assessment? This behaviour may fit into a profile of autism.

He clearly has a strong need for routine and that may explain why he seems satisfied when he has pushed you to the point of appearing distressed each night.

His anxiety about getting up each morning may be a manifestation of anxiety around school and the organisational, social and sensory challenges he may face there. However, he may not be aware of this himself.

Routine becomes hugely important when anxiety is high which would explain why he doesn't want to do it but can't help himself on school nights and also why he couldn't cope with you lying in his room to reassure him.

Aspergers/High Functioning Autism can be masked extremely competently, especially in school but the pressure to fit in can get greater as the differences from other children increase with age.

I may be way off the mark. Only you will be able to tell that. I'd strongly suggest that you read around autism and see how you think it fits.

DextroDependant Thu 08-Mar-18 23:07:41

I wasn't sure if it was the routine he needed or just the end result of shouting.

Again probably too obvious but have you tried bringing bedtime forward so it starts (and therefore ends) earlier?

Sometimes Piriton makes kids drowsy, it's an antihistamine rather than a sedative and I would never condone drugging kids to sleep but for his mental health if it just broke the cycle it could be worth discussing with the gp.

NolongerAnxiousCarer Thu 08-Mar-18 23:11:34

The poor poor lad, that sounds so hard for him. He has a diagnosis of anxiety and OCD tendencies both of which can be incredibly disabling and his family are angry with him for performing compulsions which are just that compulsions not choices.

I can understand that these rituals are incredibly frustrating for you, and the rest of the family but they must be even more distressing for him.

Have you gone down the systemic family therapy route yet? This would allow the whole family to work through how your sons condition is affecting all of you including him and look at ways of resolving this together.

Labradoodliedoodoo Thu 08-Mar-18 23:14:47

Can he read a book?

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