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SIL and Gift for DS

(203 Posts)
SaveBandit Sun 25-Feb-18 19:12:30

This is going to be quite long!

It's DS's 3rd birthday in two weeks and we were planning on buying him two large things to go in the garden. We moved house just before Christmas and are very lucky to have a good sized garden so have space for these items and have started to do the rest of the garden up, which includes an outbuilding for gym equipment, some trees planted, a decked area for a barbecue, patio area and an allotment area mainly for DH and DS. This leaves a decent sized bit of grass for a small bouncy castle if we were having parties or just for DS to run round in. The selling point of the house was the garden and we are really excited now it's starting to take shape.

SIL text yesterday and told DH that she will need him to take the day off work before DS's birthday because she will need to come over and he will have to put the present for DS together. He already has it booked off because we are planning on putting the items we bought him together on that day. He replied and said he wouldn't have time and asked if he could come and put it together at hers maybe the weekend before. She told him once assembled it won't fit in the car but refused to tell him what it was because it would ruin the surprise. DH said he would need to know what it is Incase he needed to clear space in the bedroom. She then said that it wouldn't fit in the house. He ended up telling her that she had to tell him what it was and it turns out she has bought DS a trampoline. But not just a small garden one... a ten foot one!

Now, DS will absolutely love it. It's a very generous present and if our biggest issue is that SIL spoils DS then things aren't that bad. Except now if we put the trampoline up it takes up most of the grass area up. We've worked really hard to plan the garden out and have it the way we want it and this is a bit (trying my hardest not to sound ungrateful) inconvenient.

DH text SIL and said that whilst it would be an amazing present, it might be a bit too big for the garden especially with the two items we are getting and the rest of the garden and would there be any chance she could swap it for a smaller one. She replied saying she was "unwilling" to swap and didn't realise that we were buying two things for the garden so it would be more reasonable for us to just buy DS one of these. Then MIL got involved, calling DH up to say that he was being ungrateful and that SIL had been looking forward to seeing him on the trampoline at his birthday party. Dh told her that we have booked a bouncy castle which I have paid a deposit for and as we have a few smaller children and babies coming he thinks the bouncy castle is more appropriate than the trampoline so it wouldn't be up anyway.

Mil then asked to speak to me and got upset on the phone saying how she just wants DH and SIL to get along (which they do hmm) and that there is enough space for the trampoline in the garden. I told her that I understood that there was space but the space was meant for something else and the main issue here is that SIL didn't ask. We would have told her that we didn't have the space for it. Something similar happened last year, not as big as this, but my friend baked a cake for his birthday party and SIL had baked one too. Apparently she was very upset that she hadn't been told not to bake the cake, although she hadn't been asked to, I had no idea she was baking one and she was his aunty so hers should have been his main cake. Just to put it in perspective, we literally had my family and nieces, DH's parents and his sister and partner and my friend and her little girl so it wasn't a huge party or anything.

I wasn't brave enough to post on AIBU but can anyone tell me if we are wrong to not want the trampoline in the garden? And does anyone have any advice on how to handle the situation?

DaisysStew Sun 25-Feb-18 19:15:55

NU at all. This is one thing that really pisses me off, it’s your home/garden and large purchases that take up huge amounts of space should always be discussed first.

DartmoorDoughnut Sun 25-Feb-18 19:16:25

Personally I hate trampolines, terrible for causing injuries and I’d never have one so my opinion is slightly skewed but who on earth buys something so big without checking first?!

ohfourfoxache Sun 25-Feb-18 19:18:33

Yanbu - she should have asked

The fact that she refused to say what it was under the guise of it being a “surprise” suggests that she actually wants control

ny20005 Sun 25-Feb-18 19:19:07

If you don't stop this now, she'll just get worse ! Next year, she'll turn up with a puppy !

Be very firm that you appreciate the Very generous thought / gift, however you don't have space for a large trampoline & they should have discussed it with you first before going to any large expense

Graphista Sun 25-Feb-18 19:19:40

Yanbu she can't just takeover like that and expect you to accept it. Your home and garden your choice.

As someone who is Nc with a sister who would pull this kinda crap (and the cake nonsense) after years of keeping quiet and putting up I'd say no, politely but clearly tell her she needs to get a smaller one. The large one doesn't fit with YOUR plans for YOUR garden (and I mean you and dh when I say your - at times like this i wish we had different words for singular and plural "your")

neddle Sun 25-Feb-18 19:19:55

Who the hell buys such a large present for someone else's house/garden without being asked to?
If someone bought one of my kids a trampoline I would refuse to accept it, whoever it came from.
Trampolines are dangerous anyway, and there's no way my children would be on one, especially a three year old.

OutyMcOutface Sun 25-Feb-18 19:20:48

Your SIL is extremely inconsiderate. Tell her to put it up in her garden and then your DS can use it when he visits her.

Cocolepew Sun 25-Feb-18 19:21:09

Keep refusing it, who buys, something that big without discussing it?

NatashaRomanov Sun 25-Feb-18 19:22:14

That is incredibly selfish of her, insisting on getting such a big thing without checking with you. And the cake thing. Does she have to be the centre of attention at all times?

Tell her no. Trampolines are not actually suitable for 3-year olds. A quick Google can provide some news stories and articles to back that up.

GertrudeCB Sun 25-Feb-18 19:23:35

Yanbu at all. This needs tackling otherwise you will be like my friend who ended up with 2 rabbits that her pil bought for her dd as a " surprise" shock

Idbemonica1 Sun 25-Feb-18 19:24:26

Yanbu, your Sil could have avoided this by getting suitable gift ideas from you. If you don't want that size of trampoline in your garden then stick to your guns and say no.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Sun 25-Feb-18 19:25:50

'Ok MIL thank you for volunteering your garden for the trampoline for when ds visits. Oh so now it's too big!'

Can SIL go in on one of the toys you already have planned?

Agree too that trampolines can be quite dangerous.

widgetbeana Sun 25-Feb-18 19:26:02

You are right, she is wrong.

She is trying to get her own way and make you feel bad.
It is YOUR house. YOUR garden, YOUR child. YOUR choice.

You have to tell her that it is not appropriate and if she brings it it will not be erected in your garden. Thank her, but keep stating it is not going to happen.

I agree that if you keep letting things slide it will get worse.

Iloveacurry Sun 25-Feb-18 19:28:41

It’s your garden, you should decide what goes in it. She needs to return it and MIL needs to butt out.

SaveBandit Sun 25-Feb-18 19:32:18

Thank you for the replies I'm glad I'm not coming across across as the most ungrateful person ever!

The control thing is spot on, her and mil are quite similar in that sense. I wasn't at all surprised to get a phone call from MIL.

I suggested to DH that we take it and then sell it, buy something else and then give the change back to SIL. I feel bad for DH because he is 100% on my side but his mum will try and make him feel guilty about it.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE Sun 25-Feb-18 19:39:10

shock I can't wait believe she thinks she can commander your garden like this!, I adore my garden I have a trampoline in it but sort of hidden by large shrub? There is no way I would even consider allowing someone else bar dh of course to shove huge piecee of kit in it.

This is bonkers!! And to try and get you to send your own gift back confused absolutely not.

Laugh.. No way.. Your not serious... And put in mils or her garden she sounds loopy

SersioulycanitgetWORSE Sun 25-Feb-18 19:42:31

You can't accept it you have to say no.

Dh has to explain he wouldn't choose items or assume that things on her house..

It's like baby is his and hers

NapQueen Sun 25-Feb-18 19:45:15

Just tell her that a 3yo shouldnt be on a massive trapoline and the garden wonthave space due to the age appropriate outdoor toys. Suggest she either returns it or waits til ds outgrows the outdoor toys youve bought.

SaveBandit Sun 25-Feb-18 19:50:04

Also SIL doesn't have a garden, she lives in a very swanky apartment. MIL and FIL would have the space for it in their garden but It would be tight and FIL is a very keen gardener so would get in the way.

She has sent another text to say even if she wanted to she couldn't return it because she bought it in a Black Friday sale. The weekend before Black Friday we showed her pictures of the garden and told her exactly what the plan was for it and I remember Dh suggesting, as a joke, that we get two large goals to go in the grassed area and me laughing at him, telling him how lovely a big patch of grass will be for DS to do whatever he wants in.(I did buy DH pop up goals from DS for Christmas)

Graphista Sun 25-Feb-18 19:56:58

Also SIL doesn't have a garden, she lives in a very swanky apartment. MIL and FIL would have the space for it in their garden but It would be tight and FIL is a very keen gardener so would get in the way.

All the more reason to suggest it goes in theirs! They think it's such a great idea they can accommodate the damn thing!

GrooovyLass Sun 25-Feb-18 19:57:17

Who buys something massive like a trampoline without checking it's ok? Nope, she's going to have to ebay it if she can't return it!

BackforGood Sun 25-Feb-18 20:09:02

YANBU at all.
I'd be saying to MiL (with added raised eyebrow for effect wink) 'Why are you phoning us about this ? It's got nothing to do with you. It is a conversation that dh and I are having with SiL'. Certainly wouldn't be engaging with her.
To SiL I would be saying, that, "whereas we appreciate your generosity, clearly nobody with an ounce of intelligence would buy something so enormous for somebody without checking first that it is something they want ? hmm. We haven't got room, so ds can't have it. I@m sorry you didn't think to check with us first as would have been the sensible thing to do". then change the subject. I wouldnt get into any negotiations and I certainly woldn't be taking it and trying to sell it. It is her problem.

pigshavecurlytails Sun 25-Feb-18 20:10:00

Lovely generous gift SIL but we don't have room - lets keep it at yours and he can bounce when we come to visit....

FlippingFoal Sun 25-Feb-18 20:41:12

Could you not say that he is too young for such a big trampoline and maybe revisit it for his 5th birthday or something. Tots barely move full sized trampolines so I doubt he would get much use out of it?

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