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Intrusive thoughts handhold please

(14 Posts)
SingaSong12 Sun 25-Feb-18 13:20:17

Posting for traffic after posting in mental health
First I am not suicidal or at risk of self harm. Sorry this is long. Please hold my hand and if anyone has ideas for self help please tell me.

I want to be dead.
I had a chat thread about this a few days ago but came off it. A relative has just been diagnosed with cancer. As well as worried and sad for him it has triggered thoughts in my head that are intrusive and unhelpful. I have no where I can express these irl - everyone already has real things to deal with and I feel guilty just having the thoughts.

I have depression and autism. I wish I had the cancer instead of the relative. This is mainly he has children and a good job. I also already have experience of being in hospital as a patient. I have thoughts that I should be killed and about being useless. I'm guilty for feeling all this as it is turning the focus from him to me. I was ok when we visited but otherwise thoughts are here.

I normally do mindfulness meditation but don't seem to be able to start that - just cry.

SureIusedtobetaller Sun 25-Feb-18 13:26:07

Can you go for a walk/run?
Go to the shops?
Every time the thought comes- distance youself and remind yourself it’s an intrusive thought, not truth.
Five things you can see, hear, feel.
Hand hold. Hope you feel better later.

MummySparkle Sun 25-Feb-18 13:28:03

I can't give you a proper reply right now as im out with my DCs but I didn't want to read and run.

I've been where you've been and I know how horrible it can be. Can you make yourself a cup of tea? Try to be mindful of your movements as you do it.

You can beat this

Mogleflop Sun 25-Feb-18 14:15:20

I'm also autistic and get this way every so often.

For me three different types of medication failed to help, each made it much worse. For some autistic people, medication can help.

These days I acknowledge them and try to let them pass through, or I try to distract myself. So I listen to music, or try one mindfulness technique in particular (the body-sweep, imagining touching every part of my body from head to toe very slowly up and down, and really concentrating on what those sensations would be).

If you're very overwhelmingly sad, are you sure you're not hungry too? I can never tell, and sometimes hot sugary tea and some biscuits help.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 25-Feb-18 14:20:57

I also suffer intrusive thoughts, sometimes violent ones, they really effing suck flowers

Can you speak to anyone about how you’re feeling? I find speaking the thoughts out loud helps to dissipate them sometimes. Seconding go for a walk, or a run, or a swim, anything distracting. Mindfulness doesn’t work for me, I can’t concentrate on concentrating. General chit chat on here helps, or watching YouTube videos about make up and food... doesn’t involve much of your brain so helps to switch off a bit.

If it’s getting worse or making it hard to get through the day, definitely go to the doctor. They might be able to prescribe something short term to help you feel calmer.

SingaSong12 Sun 25-Feb-18 14:54:01

Thanks - I'll try to answer. You're right the gym will help. Can't talk to people irl - the autism means I don't have many friends and I definitely can't discuss with family. It's true that being out is really good, almost too good- I'm not letting my brain down - shopping, MN, radio.

I think I know part of the answer is the mindfulness even if I cry when I try it. I can observe the upset just like I've learned to meditate on the sounds around me or breath.

These are just thoughts - I am reminding myself. Also proud that the visit was ok and I mostly managed the day with DParents (8.30am - 9.30 pm)

Do any of you or have any of you in the past had running commentary in your head - "you're useless" "don't worry you aren't useless it feels that way "you are useless and self indulgent"....

EbonyJade Sun 25-Feb-18 16:35:33

I've suffered nasty intrusive thoughts - been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder & prescribed high dose anti psychotic meds which really work well for me.

I'm not saying you've got my issues but anyway I'd speak to your gp & maybe get a psychiatrist referral?
Anxiety could be causing them. My thoughts always got worse with stress.

Talking about them will help; I left it 25 years to talk about mine & I saw a psychiatrist for 8 years actually before being honest about my problems!!
It's taken so much stress away to be able to talk about the thoughts.

EbonyJade Sun 25-Feb-18 16:39:18

Ps I re read your posts and honestly your thoughts are nothing as bad as mine were so I'm really not saying you've got my illness!

As I said I think stress / anxiety has probably caused them, deal with the stress and the thoughts may go?

SingaSong12 Sun 25-Feb-18 21:14:21

Ebony I agree my thoughts aren't the same degree, so atm just going to keep a track.

SingaSong12 Mon 26-Feb-18 16:55:59

I feel so pointless. Practical, emotional and medical support will (and should) be provided by others. I know the answer is just being available is the important thing - to chat, not necessarily with the ill person, or be there if other stuff I can actually do comes up.

My heart/depression doesn't accept any of that. Sitting in a cafe at the moment, staving off tears, though not very successfully.
I am absolutely not going to harm myself or tell anyone close to me in real life but that means living with these feelings.
I don't know to what extent this is normal reaction- feeling useless in face of cancer or more to do with my depression.

EbonyJade Mon 26-Feb-18 18:53:46

I think all you can do is be there for the person suffering & they will appreciate that.

SingaSong12 Sun 04-Mar-18 00:24:55

Things have been better last few days but now getting a bit anxious. My autism worry about change, then a bit more guilt and intrusive thoughts.

The thoughts about death are painful. I feel guilty because I can't believe I have the thoughts that I wish I was dead when my relative is battling through chemo to make sure they stay alive. I'm pathetic but also irl alone with these feelings.

Please say you are there.

Mogleflop Sun 04-Mar-18 08:40:54

Weirdly I woke up vaguely thinking of you OP. You're not alone in this stuff.

I'm really glad it's getting better, I hope it keeps that way.

You're on different paths. You've nothing to feel guilty about - would you want them to feel guilt that you have ASD and they don't for example? It is what it is. Life is weird and complex.

All you can do sometimes is look after your own brain and self, and hope to be healthy enough to help others through their tough times too. thanks

EbonyJade Sun 04-Mar-18 10:30:12

Hi don't feel too guilty about your thoughts as you really can't help having them...

Try to keep busy (not easy on a Sunday).

I've got a new rescue cat who is keeping me busy bless her!

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