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Do I sound weak? How do I become a 'better' person?

(21 Posts)
Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:20:12

I think I'm weak of character.

Not sure exactly why. Obviously, it was my responsibility to turn my potential into solid achievement, and I never could. I was a weird kid with just a few friends - who I very much appreciated, we had lots of fun - and ignored quite a lot. However, I was always considered to be intelligent and very talented in a particular area.

I always thought I'd be ok and muddle through and find my way to success, ie an interesting career and more friends who I clicked with. But instead I've not made anything of myself at all.

It is what it is, but sometimes it makes me slightly sad. I don't know where I went wrong. Since young adulthood, I've struggled so much with an autoimmune condition with associated issues, an eating disorder, anxiety, a suicide attempt, serious bereavement, a toxic relationship with someone in a position of power over me, and spent so much mental energy healing from some childhood abandonment and abuse.

I feel as if I should have been a stronger person and not let these things get in my way. Then I feel ashamed and a bit weak. But I'm at a loss as to why I'm NOT a stronger person confused

I have done a lot of healing and strengthening, however I worry it's too late to be successful, as I feel spent energy wise. Hence weak.

How do I become better at life? Can anyone relate?

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:22:38

Sorry, to be clear - my toxic relationship with a power imbalance was not as a child with an adult. I was an adult myself. I was very vulnerable and incredibly stupid.

Nuffaluff Sat 24-Feb-18 20:26:45

With all you’ve been through how can you possibly say you are weak?
Life is tough, tougher for some than others.
You are a survivor- give yourself the credit you deserve.
You also have all the rest of your life to live. It’s up to you to make the most of it. You can change the things you want to. You can get a career, make more friends.

stayathomegardener Sat 24-Feb-18 20:30:23

Don't confuse a lack of achievement with weakness.
You can achieve nothing and still be a strong and happy character.

Some of the 'strongest' people I know have achieved very little in most people's narrow scale of achievement.

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:31:06

Yes, I'm a survivor, but what does that mean really?

Everyone who has a rough childhood or a period of unrelenting harrowing shit in life survives. Apart from the poor people who actually do end their own lives, but overall that is still quite rare.

I'm tired of just surviving, I want to achieve stuff and feel I can't. I feel not good enough or smart enough, and like time has run out and also that I run out of energy fast these days.

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:33:23

That's an interesting point about me confusing strength and achievement. Yes, I think I definitely do confuse them or associate them with each other.

I feel like I need to achieve stuff, in order to feel personal satisfaction and for all my suffering (sounds dramatic!) to make any sense. It doesn't make sense to me otherwise.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas Sat 24-Feb-18 20:36:03

Not sure if this helps but I feel the same a lot of the time. Age 8 I had a genius level IQ and a talent for writing. Age 40 I’ve 2 failed careers, don’t write, and have suffered bouts of depression since an assault aged 18. I think I need to find direction (“make a difference!”), regain some self worth and find some friends, but it’s harder than I ever expected. Even more so with 4dc and a husband who works long hours. I don’t know what the answer is, but you aren’t alone in feeling this way and as a pp said, you sound anything but weak from your post.

Jessie2445 Sat 24-Feb-18 20:38:00

Firstly, you must stop the negative self-talk ( we all do) and catch yourself when it happens and say for example “ I am a strong person because I’m still standing despite all that has happened to me”

Secondly, our Subconcious mind records all memories, events and thoughts we have had since childhood and are now outdated. You have limiting beliefs that you are not consciously aware of, Nonsense you were told at aged 7 for example by your parents, school, society, that is no longer true but is still played in the background influencing your beliefs and choices you make today as an adult.

Your Subconcious mind has no filter and believes anything you tell it. If you repeatedly tell yourself you are weak or any other negative put down, you’re going to believe it.

Go to YouTube and watch some videos by hypnotherapist Marisa Peer who explains it better. You can change, you can be stronger, and improve yourself. You can have anything you foccus your energy on. Just don’t foccus your energy on thinking your weak or that’s what you will get more of.

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:41:30

It does help to feel like I'm not the only one! Thanks so much. I am sorry of course that you feel kind of lost with it all too. It is really hard.

Thanks so much for all replies, it is helpful to discuss it. It's not the easiest thing to broach, except possibly with a therapist. Generally need some spare money for good therapy though.

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 20:51:54

Jessie, my critical inner voice isn't even subconscious. It's loud in my ear a lot of the time.

But I used to be stronger!

As an example - had a passion for a sport from early childhood, but was publicly sneered at and dismissed by my teachers for not being good at it. Through sheer bloody mindedness and ignoring them, I actually became respectably good at the sport by my late teens. Now, I will never win an Olympic medal, but I'm definitely ok at it and not a complete laughing stock.

That did my confidence so much good, I can tell you. I don't have the money or time to focus on a sport like that these days but dream of somehow being able to go back.

Anyway, I can still hear the criticism of those coaches from years ago. Along with all the other people who basically laughed at me for being odd/ weird/ clumsy/ painfully uncool. Of course, the biggest hurt is having parents who think you're worth not much.

I've come to terms with a lot of my parental issues but have no idea how to heal the feeling of not being worth very much. At a loss. How do you go back and resolve something as ingrained as that?

DunnoWhy Sat 24-Feb-18 20:59:01

I am sorry that you have such negative feelings and doubts about yourself. I am sure you are not as bad as you think you are. You must stop calling yourself weak. And stop believing it.

It looks like you had uneasy relationships with the people close to you when you were young. Of course this affects anyone. Some people are a lot more resilient than others by nature and some of us need to learn how to be more resilient. It looks like you quite sensitive and also critical of yourself.

You mention childhood abandonment and abuse as well as toxic relationships. You also mention you were a weird kid, with your own words. There is no such thing as a weird kid, there are number of personalities in the world as the number of people so everyone is unique (or weird) in their own way.

As children we don't know how to grow into an adult who is ....(however It might be which you wanted to be), children need guidance, they need to be taught, have role models to become that person. It doesn't look like you had that guidance, and blaming yourself so unfairly. Love the child you were.
You were intelligent and talented in a specific area, you still have it.

Have you tried any talking therapy? Would you be able to seek one soon?

Without sounding as if i know all, one thing I have been noticing about achievements in life, is that we need to be mindful of the target and make plans and visit those plans frequently to adapt to the developments or obstacles or change of heart...

When I write down what i want to achieve and make plants step by step how to get there from where I am, i have a road map and i am more in control of the journey. It is not late to be successful, you need a plan I think.

Sorry if I sound as if i an simplifying it too much but it's true: "Write it down and let it happen" ( a book title )

Wistfulremembering Sat 24-Feb-18 21:15:02

Thanks. Yes I have gaps where some important role models and relationships should have been.

However I did also have a lot of love and advantages from one primary caregiver who was not my parent. So why wasn't that enough?

Why have my parents left such an impression on me? Also, it's my responsibility as an adult to deal with it now. They might have been not good enough, but that was years ago and it's up to me to make my life good. I know that.

I'd like some therapy so am on a waiting list for a low cost charity one, I don't have the means to pay much so can't find a private one.

Jessie2445 Sat 24-Feb-18 21:17:06

You have done it once, you can do it again!

The only way to change all this, is to reprogram your Subconcious mind. You are worth something, you are enough, even if your parents don’t make you feel you are. You need to give yourself that ,since your parents are incapable. DH has parents that make him feel that way but he has finally distanced himself enough from them to see the issues are with them, not him.

The only way to replace an old belief is to find evidence that proves to you that belief is no longer correct. Seriously look into the subconcious mind , lots of free stuff online. Also, Marisa has a YouTube video about “ you are enough.” If all this resonates with you, look into hypnosis tracks that you play at night as you are ready to go to sleep. DH and I have listen to a few by Paul McKenna and really noticed a change.

ButteredScone Sat 24-Feb-18 21:21:41

I don’t know anything professionally about getting over a hard childhood except to realise that things are never easy for everybody else either. No

ButteredScone Sat 24-Feb-18 21:23:29

Posted too soon!

No one can go back and do it again.

But! The future is unwritten. Take control and focus on what you want to achieve. Focus is what will get you through to success. Focus like a maniac!

stayathomegardener Sat 24-Feb-18 23:21:19

Interesting that you say the sport you "only" performed respectfully in and certainly failed in by recognised sporting high achievements gave you so much confidence and pleasure.

Could you build on that feeling from a concrete example in your life.

actuallyithinkitdoes Sat 24-Feb-18 23:30:28

Just thought I'd let you know I suck at life. At 13 I started washing dishes in a local pub. I am now...

... a barmaid. Oh and I'm 26. That's 13 years of staying on minimum wage and having one very slight not-even-really promotion.

Thehogfather Sun 25-Feb-18 00:08:23

If you were strong enough to make it to adulthood with an abusive childhood, then clearly you are anything but weak.

Parents are meant to love and want you no matter what, so when they don't it's only natural that you have little or no self worth. After all if even your own parents think you are worthless, you must be.

I don't know if you have dc, but for me having dd was a bit of a lightbulb moment. All of a sudden I realised it was never me that was somehow so loathsome and undeserving, it was entirely my parents problem, not mine.

Not to say it hasn't left scars. Or caused me to do things such as ignore the glaring signs I was in an abusive adult relationship at one point. And mostly I can deal with childhood memories by pretending they are someone else's.

However in general it's more having a fuck you attitude. I try to find the silver lining, in that after that normal adult problems and stress don't even hit my radar. They aren't destroying my adult years too, so I won't let them win by being miserable now.

Wistfulremembering Sun 25-Feb-18 12:22:45

Interesting that you say the sport you "only" performed respectfully in and certainly failed in by recognised sporting high achievements gave you so much confidence and pleasure.

Not sure what this means? I do think becoming successful at something you find hard is good for confidence though. I've just not had any success for years which is maybe why I'm too self critical.

Wistfulremembering Sun 25-Feb-18 12:24:30

I don't have DC. Still waiting to find out what exactly is going on with my fertility because I have some problems relating to it.

Lovelyusername Sun 25-Feb-18 13:46:52

You sound like you are a strong person to us, and thinking about these things to change them makes you stronger.

‘Better’ is so subjective. What do you want to achieve, for you?

A fab book that is seriously life changing is Susan Jeffers ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. It could help you reframe your thoughts and achieve a more positive life for your self.

Good luck!

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