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Shit, been asked out by a man my mate fancies

(212 Posts)
GreenySho Sat 24-Feb-18 13:46:07

It’s still an absolute no go isn’t it?

She’s fancied him for years off and on but nothing has happened between them

I met him about 6 mths ago at a party and we’ve been messaging a bit since then. Just general chat etc (mate knows about this and jokingly said “don’t bloody sleep with him)

He’s asked me out on a date this morning. I haven’t replied to him. He doesn’t know mate like him so can’t use that as an excuse. I don’t know what to say to mate. Is this still a no don’t go there thing? Would much rather stay mates and not ruin friendship with my friend but I would like to date him if I could!

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 24-Feb-18 13:48:09

All's fair, really. You like him, she likes him. She would go out with him if she had the chance. So should you.

It's completely different if she'd been out with him previously etc - I would tell her what's happened and go on the date.

AaronPurrSir Sat 24-Feb-18 13:50:56

Why hasn’t she made her move before now? You say she’s fancied him for “years”...I’m assuming you are both adults, why hasn’t she done anything about it?

ScreamingValenta Sat 24-Feb-18 13:51:49

Do you think it would jeopardise your friendship to tell her he'd asked you on a date? You could tell her and see what her reaction is.

She wouldn't be human if she didn't feel some resentment, but a good friend would put this aside if she knew you also liked him.

If you're certain it would ruin your friendship, it boils down to which you value more - are you seriously interested in this man as someone you might have a future with, or would it just be a bit of fun?

LML83 Sat 24-Feb-18 13:51:57

I wouldn't. Unless you have developed strong feelings and care more about the potential relationship. But there is a good chance (rightly or wrongly) friendship would suffer.

zippey Sat 24-Feb-18 13:52:22

Are there other men you could go out with? If so then I’d find someone else. If not then go for it.

Mates before dates!

AjasLipstick Sat 24-Feb-18 13:56:35

Depends how good the friend is. Are we talking best mates for twenty years or "We know one another through work"??

Hunstanton Sat 24-Feb-18 14:03:03

This is a really tough one. I don't envy you the dilemma. Your mate is going to feel jealous but then you are also entitled to a love life. I would assume that if u do decide to go out with him, don't be surprised if you get the cold shoulder from your mate.

You obviously care about the friendship so if I were you I'd be upfront and maybe even put the decision at her door. She's unlikely to stop you and will appreciate your honest approach.

GreenySho Sat 24-Feb-18 14:04:31

Friends for 5 years.

She hasn’t asked him because she thought he wasn’t interested in her. No signs of flirting on his behalf etc

I haven’t been on a date in over a year.

GreenySho Sat 24-Feb-18 14:05:30

Ok I’m going to message but keep it light and see what she says

Somerville Sat 24-Feb-18 14:07:09

Your friend finds him attractive, but hasn't ever acted on that?
I don't really understand why that means you can't date him; it's quite natural that friends (who obviously have lots in common) will find the same kind of man attractive.
When I was single I wouldn't have dated a friend's ex husband, or someone my sister fancied. But aside from that, if someone is single then they're fair game surely?

LoniceraJaponica Sat 24-Feb-18 14:08:29

"why hasn’t she done anything about it?"

Not everyone has the confidence or courage to do so. I wouldn't.

Royalfuckup Sat 24-Feb-18 14:10:26

Had you never met him in the years she fancied him?

WidoWanky Sat 24-Feb-18 14:14:40

Dont message. Things always get lost in translation. Talk to her face to face. Talk to him face to face.

GreenySho Sat 24-Feb-18 14:18:12

Too late on the “don’t message”

I text and said “just had a message from x asking if I want to go on a date next weekend! He obviously hasn’t seen the weather report lol” (so I wasn’t really asking her permission but kind of sliding it in there)

Her reply was “are you joking? Seriously? you’re not going to go are you?”

So that’s that. Fairly awkward as I’m now going to have to message him and say no without saying why.

GreenySho Sat 24-Feb-18 14:18:43

No they’d worked together for years and then kept in contact through a hobby they share

x2boys Sat 24-Feb-18 14:19:07

If you like him and he likes you why not ? Your friend may well like him too but if it's not reciprocated than all's fair in love and war.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 24-Feb-18 14:19:57

Me personally id say don't go there. Unrequited love is probably the worse type of love you could ever wish to feel. Without them shagging your best friend, as well.
It could tip her over the edge. From what you're saying she doesn't seem too upset. However trust me on the inside she'll be heart broken..

MadMags Sat 24-Feb-18 14:21:02

Well it depends really. How much do you value the friendship? How much do you want to date him?

Also, what’s her plan? To pine after him for the next five years all the while hoping he remains single? It’s a bit ridiculous isn’t it?

LoniceraJaponica Sat 24-Feb-18 14:22:21

x2boys IMO the OP sounds really lovely because she doesn't want to hurt her friend's feelings. It's all very well saying all's fair in love and war, but it sounds like she doesn't want to lose a friendship over this.

Having witnessed the fall out between friends when this kind of thing happens I can assure you that it isn't pretty.

x2boys Sat 24-Feb-18 14:22:47

She doesn't own him and how good friends are you ? She needs to be an adult about it.

MadMags Sat 24-Feb-18 14:23:23

I would respond honestly and say “well, I’d like to, to be honest, but if it will jeopardize our friendship then I won’t.”

And I would say to him “I’d like to but it’s complicated and I don’t think I can without risking a valued friendship.”

If he can’t figure out who or what you’re talking about, he’s probably a bit thick and not worth going out with! grin

Emus Sat 24-Feb-18 14:23:37

Oh gosh, such an awkward one OP. It definitely sounds like your friendship would suffer which is a bit selfish if your friend. It's a lose lose situation for you isn't it? thanks

LML83 Sat 24-Feb-18 14:24:08

hold off a few hours not texting man or friend. She might come round, that's a natural first reaction.

gingergenius Sat 24-Feb-18 14:24:18

I don't think it's fair of op's friend to make her feel she can't. I might be disappointed, but you can't force someone to like you, can you. If you say no op I'd make it clear why.

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