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Can't sleep. So sad.

(32 Posts)
endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 02:56:03

Another of DS's friends is getting married.
4 weddings since DS died. I am happy for them but it just hurts.
I miss DS so much.
Just keep crying.

thecatfromjapan Wed 21-Feb-18 03:02:29


Do you want to talk about him?

RefuseTheLies Wed 21-Feb-18 03:06:22

My younger brother died when he was 29. That was 6 years ago now. Watching his friends get married and have children is a very painful reminder of what will never be.

I understand to a degree, but I imagine the pain and grief must be insurmountable when you’ve lost your child flowers

bretonknickers Wed 21-Feb-18 03:06:22

I'm so sorry flowers

kungpopanda Wed 21-Feb-18 03:08:55

I am sorry for your loss. Not using your posting name, because - well, I don't want to, I don't think it does you justice. May the generosity of spirit that makes you happy for your dear son's friends be reflected to comfort you.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:12:05

It has been 18 months since he died.
It isn't getting any easier.
He should have had a life .
I am so tired of trying to smile and put a brave face on.
I just can't do it.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Feb-18 03:12:42

I am so sorry.

thecatfromjapan Wed 21-Feb-18 03:17:48

You don't have to smile or be happy for us. You can be angry and sad if you want.

You must miss him so much.

FellOutOfBed2wice Wed 21-Feb-18 03:18:57

I’m so sorry. I don’t have anything useful to say really but I’m here and listening and thinking of you.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:19:36

I am sorry for your loss.
I lost a sibling when I was in my teens. I remember my poor mother saying how awful it was arranging a funeral, when as a parent you expect to be arranging a wedding.
My son's funeral was beautiful. Over 300 people came and it was a gorgeous, sunny day.
I just kept thinking of my mother's words.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:21:47

I wish I could just put my arms round him again.
It physically hurts.
I miss him so much.

lizzlebizzle33 Wed 21-Feb-18 03:23:26

I'm sorry I have no words to comfort you OP bit I'm so sooty for your dear son and for what you are going through.

I hope you have people around you you can talk to if you need to. And if not there is always someone awake on MN.x

2sCompany Wed 21-Feb-18 03:23:34

Would you like to tell us about him OP? I'd love to know all the good things about your DS's life - the stuff that made him smile.

Who are you putting on a brave face for?

Desperatelyseekingsun Wed 21-Feb-18 03:30:02

I cannot think of anything harder to go through. You don't have to be brave on here, you can say whatever you don't feel you can say in RL.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:32:14

I just struggle not to cry all the time.
I don't want to embarrass myself or other people by sobbing in shops or in the street.
I miss laughing at him doing impressions of people, putting on silly accents, doing magic tricks.
He could always fix things, build things. Plumbing, decorating, tiling, he taught himself all that stuff.
He loved cars and fixing them up.
Loved parties and organising events.
Travelled all over the world.
Gave loads of his money away to anyone who needed anything.
It is so quiet without him.

exitbreak Wed 21-Feb-18 03:35:00

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. I remember your posts about your son very well, your love for him shone through them flowers

BubblesPip Wed 21-Feb-18 03:37:22

I’m so so sorry flowers

thecatfromjapan Wed 21-Feb-18 03:38:25

It must hurt terribly not to be able to hold him.

He sounds happy and loved and confident. It's lovely that you both had that. He sounds adventurous, too. Did you travel with him, or did he tell you about the things he saw and did?

2sCompany Wed 21-Feb-18 03:40:33

There's no shame in crying whenever you bloody well want to - if anyone gets embarrassed then that's their problem, not yours.

Your son sounds like a brilliant person - he obviously had lots to offer the world and was fun loving, caring and thoughtful. What's the best memory you have of him? What's the one that brings a big smile to your face?

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:43:10

When he was well he was wonderful. He travelled a lot with friends.
He had some mental health problems that he tried to manage himself ( having been let down very badly by various professionals).
Sadly, it all went wrong one evening.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:44:34

Not long before he died he saved someone's life.
He was brave and kind, even when he was struggling.

lizzlebizzle33 Wed 21-Feb-18 03:50:05

He sounds amazing OP you must be so proud of him. I hope you can get some comfort from knowing how much he touched other people's lives and that he lived his life to its fullest everyday.xx

thecatfromjapan Wed 21-Feb-18 03:51:29

Children are so terribly careless of themselves, aren't they? They are so beautiful, precious, and so loved. We want them to treat themselves as though they are made of glass and infinitely valuable. But they don't. Maybe they can't, or shouldn't. But I wish they did.

And when we love them, we have to fold ourselves over them, over the sharp parts, that cut us, as well as the warmth and the beauty.

It's sad to hear that he found some parts of his life difficult and painful - even though much of it was good. That must have been difficult for you to see, too.

endofthelinefinally Wed 21-Feb-18 03:53:45

He did more in his short life than many people do in much longer lives.
So many people said he had changed their lives for the better.

2sCompany Wed 21-Feb-18 04:01:10

I knew it, he was brave and kind and I'll bet he would do anything to help others, wouldn't he? I'm sure he put everyone before himself. He was one of the good ones.

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, my darling. Sleep must be your nemesis, I'm sure. I know your DS didn't want you to hurt or suffer though x

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