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Would you be annoyed?

(56 Posts)
Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 00:32:14

Will be totally up front and say I'm a single mum who is on benefits as I have 2 dc with sn as i have a sneaky suspicion this is the crux of the problem tonight.

A friend came round earlier for a brew and a bit of a catch up. We were sat chatting and she was talking about her weekend plans, night out planned babysitter for her dc, showing me what she was planning on wearing. All good told her I hoped she had a good night and was looking forward to hearing about it. Friend asked me mine which are simple housework doing stuff with the dc and myself and oldest are planning a film when the youngest ones in bed and I'm going to dye my hair.
She gave me a strange look and I asked if everything was ok and she went on a bit of a rant saying that I shouldn't be able to dye my hair while on benefits and how I chose to do it and my look in general was embarrassing for me dc. I was a bit taken back and just sat there as it came from nowhere. She changed the subject, stayed for another brew and headed off home.
I've been sat here trying to figure out where the he'll her rant came from and the more I do the more it annoys me. I don't go out I rarely drink and I don't smoke. I don't buy anything for myself that isn't needed apart from the odd box of hair bleach and tub of dye. That's approx £15 every few months. My dc don't go without anything at all they are generally a happy bunch but with 2 with sn it can be hard at times not only for me but my other dc too.
My look I guess is more on the goth alternative side but nothing too out there I have a lip piercing but hardly ever wear make up anymore. My hair I guess can be a bit out there and over the years I've had a rainbow of colours but as I've got older I don't dye it as often and more or less stick to the same colours ie red and purple. I have tried to dress more like other mum's where we live but I was comfortable and just not me to the point my oldest dc started to notice and asked me to go back to being me basically.
My dc tend to have quite a few appointments and we are in regular contact with with drs and professionals like camhs and I can honestly say they have never treated me with anything but politeness however I've dressed and staff at my dcs schools have never mentioned anything about my appearance apart from the odd compliment about my boots or coat asking where I've got them.
My youngest dcs df sees them eow and he stays at mine once a month as our youngest is 7 months old to give me a chance to have a full nights sleep and he also helps out with my other dc which aren't biologically his. My friend lives with her partner and he works but she is a samh to their dc she goes out on a regular basis and I've never once said anything about how she does things or dresses even though she's the opposite of me. If she has ever had any problems I've always been there to support her and help her in anyway I could in the 7 years we've been friends.
It's hurt a bit because in a way it's felt like a direct attack and I'm beginning to wonder if this is the start of our friendship ending. If someone who was your friend acted like this would you be annoyed?

Ladymadness Wed 21-Feb-18 00:42:03

She isnt your friend op its obvious she looks down her nose at you. Nothing wrong with buying yourself some hair dye ffs. I would give her the boot she sounds like a nasty cow.

Cavender Wed 21-Feb-18 00:45:30

Oh yes, I’d be extremely annoyed and would be seriously reconsidering the friendship.

Your personal style is entirely your own business. She may be embarrassed by you but I’m sure your children love you just as you are.

What kind of petty, small minded so and so begrudges someone on benefits buying a box of hair dye?

I bet she wouldn’t comment if it was a nice quiet mid brown!!

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 01:01:26

Thank you for the replies. I'm never quite sure if I'm right to be annoyed over things as I can sometimes overthink thing's.
As far as the friendship goes I think I'll start to back away a bit and think up of a few excuses I was planning to register for a ou degree in March so can tell her I'm busy prepping for that.
She's not the type of person to apologise if her opinion upsets people at times her view is people know what she's like so it's take her or leave her.
It has gotten to me and if or until she apologises I don't really think I'm comfortable with her coming me my house anymore as I wouldn't dream to make the comments she did as I would consider it being rude especially when your sat in the person's house.

Loz604 Wed 21-Feb-18 01:03:31

Yes I’d be offended. I’d get it if you had it done in a salon and nails etc. Is she on benefits too as a sahm? I’d play her at her own game an say ‘if I could work to provide for my children I would’ (not that I judge sahm- everyone has there reasons- if I could afford to I would)

But still she has no right to judge you like that. Jeez. If a friend says that to your face what an earth are they saying behind your back!

You’re better off without.

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 01:08:34

Her partner works he's recently been promoted from what she was saying and as far as I know the only benefit she gets is child benefit.
It's no secret among my friends I'd love to go out to work but my 2 sn dcs have quite a lot of appointments and 1 has to take a while day off from school for an appointment as her school is too far away for me to take her too as it's at least 2 towns away from us.
My reason for signing up for ou is so I can get better qualifications so that when I'm able to I can go back to work.

Ladymadness Wed 21-Feb-18 09:22:49

I think your friend has some bloody nerve begrudging you for your style and hair when the cheeky cow goes out regularly. Im in a similar situation as her as in my dp works and im a sahm im currently looking into local collage and starting a maths and english course soon to go on to another course because like you i would love to go back to work. I have had a face full of peircings with brightly coloured hair and never has anyone spoken to me like your friend has to you. Definitely cut her out op

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 21-Feb-18 09:47:43

She sounds unpleasant and I’m only saying this to try give her the benefit of the doubt... do you think it could be her appallingly clumsy way of suggesting you would look better with your natural hair colour? Maybe the benefits comment was meant to be like, “you could save money if you stopped dying it”?

Clutching at straws. She sounds mean.

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 10:07:50

Thank you for the replies iwasjust after this morning i dont think she was being clumsy sad . She was stood with a group of mum's outside of school and shouted out to me asking if I had decided on a hair colour smirking. I smiled and shouted yes purple and pink she, she shouted that's nice with nice being drawn out iykwim making it sound sarcastic and she just turned to the group and they were laughing. I have no doubt it was at me and it doesn't bother me but I'm just hurt and confused why she's started acting like this.
My group of friends has decreased over the years as people found it hard to be around my dc due to their problems d theeir lives takes them in a diffetent direction which I understand.
My dc take turns to pick my hair colour and my dd2 picked it this time, it's her birthday next week and my I guess ex friend was supposed to be popping around then. We haven't had any thing planned really as she hasn't really wanted to do anything but I think I'll take them to the park or something so if she does I'm not in. She wouldn't bring her dc as she doesn't want them copying my sn dcs hers started having tantrums and started doing stuff mine did during meltdowns and she said she didn't want to have to cope with that so until the meltdowns stop she's avoided bringing them.

StealthPolarBear Wed 21-Feb-18 10:10:19

She's a bitch.

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 10:13:21

ladymadness I've had the odd comment of people saying they aren't as brave as me for my style but it's always been as a compliment as they always make a point of saying they couldn't pull it off.

Ladymadness Wed 21-Feb-18 10:14:23

She sounds more and more nasty with every update angry i cant belive the way she has acted with your dc. And bullying you outside of the school ! She needs to give her head a wobble.

LivLemler Wed 21-Feb-18 10:20:32

You sound awesome, don't change unless you want to.

(And yes, I wish I was brave enough for red or purple hair, and that is a compliment, not a backhanded insult.)

As others have said, if you were covering greys with a natural colour, I doubt she'd say anything.

brizzledrizzle Wed 21-Feb-18 10:24:05

I have a friend who has unusual hair colours, tattoos and many piercings. I dislike her style but we've known each for years and she hasn't got a clue other than the fact that I have no piercings, tattoos and leave my hair natural. There is no way I'd judge her for that at all because she's a friend.

Your so-called friend is anything but.

Babdoc Wed 21-Feb-18 10:25:04

I would find some new friends who admire your style and are supportive of your problems in coping with sn kids. You have a tough life, the last thing you need is a bitch undermining your confidence. The woman is a bully, making her own inadequate self feel better by putting you down. Are there any meet up groups for parents of sn’s In your area? They would automatically be more understanding of what you’re dealing with, and a potential source of new friends. Good luck and God bless!

Lonesurvivor Wed 21-Feb-18 10:27:26

She's horrible
Is there any chance you describing how you're spending your weekend doing family stuff has hit a nerve with her? Maybe she's aware she goes out a lot and isn't fully comfortable with the comparison between her out and you at home with the kids so she's been nasty about your hair/look to distract herself from thinking too much about herself?

Graphista Wed 21-Feb-18 10:32:07

She's a cheeky bitch - tell her to fuck off!

How dare she! The first post was bad enough but then the mean girls shite at the school?!

I'd actually send her a text or pm "seeing as my way of doing things clearly offends you so much I think it's best I no longer inflict it on you. So best we not socialise any more".

Snotty cow!

You are doing amazing it must be bloody hard work. Everyone is allowed a little pleasure and fun in their lives.

I too am a single mum on benefits and not extravagant (don't smoke, drink, drugs, fake tan, fancy pay tv- none of that) but I do occasionally dye my hair with a box dye although I'm not as adventurous as you (natural red head so gotta be careful what colours I use). You enjoy your weekend and stuff what that narrow minded twat thinks.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Wed 21-Feb-18 10:35:39

Have to agree with Stealth your "friend" is a bitch. I'll also add that she's a bully. Get rid & don't give her the time of day again.

Your hair sounds fab. My friend recently went from mousey/blond to full on rainbow hair and it totally suits her personality. She is braver than me in lots of ways and while I don't want rainbow hair I love hers because she is who she is.

Lostmyemailaddress Wed 21-Feb-18 10:52:24

Thank you everyone. I don't think I'll message as suggesting but only because I don't want her to think she's hit a nerve with me as after this morning I think it could just fuel her to get worse. I'll probably just avoid her when I can but be polite when I see her at school. I don't want to be drawn into any drama.
The comment of it might have not a nerve because she goes out I'm not sure if it's that she knows with the dcs I have to avoid crowded places as much as possible as it sets the dc off and I've just got used to it now so unless I have no other choice as i just feel uncomfortable now. My ex would look after all the dc if I wanted to go out as he has offered quite a few times but it just all seems to much hassle to me and I'd rather have the time to have a long bath and read instead of having a quick shower incase 1 of the kids need me. Sad I know smile

Graphista Wed 21-Feb-18 10:56:48

Not sad at all! It's just where you are right now. I've only the one but when she was younger if I got a night "off" say because she were on a sleepover or something I'd be glad of the break! Now she's older I am enjoying (when able I have my own health issues) the odd evening at a friends or to local cinema etc.

But when they're little (and very tiring) that's totally normal.

Ladymadness Wed 21-Feb-18 10:59:25

Nothing sad about enjoying a quiet night in op. Im very much a home bird myself and love the peace and quiet when i get the chance.

Aprilshowerswontbelong Wed 21-Feb-18 11:03:10

You sound like a great dm and friend, with style and individuality. She is small minded and a bitch. Being on benefits is neither here nor there imo. I hope you have knocked her off your Christmas card list.

Redhead17 Wed 21-Feb-18 11:09:44

She sounds like an absolute bitch. You don’t need negative arseholes in your life, be who you want to be not who the works wants you to be.

I’d tell her I’m dying my hair black and blue and you carry making shitty comments your face will match (light hearted)

Notamorningperson84 Wed 21-Feb-18 11:10:58

Your 'friend' sounds like a cow. Her possible reasons for behaving as she has don't actually matter. What you do with your hair and your money are none of her fucking business.

Well done on rising above it. I admire your restraint, I have a feeling in your situation I'd end up in a playground argument. Very undignified grin

Also your hair sounds great!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 21-Feb-18 11:12:16

OP, that woman is horrible. I hope you don’t have too many years ahead of having to deal with her. You sound amazing. I don’t know how you manage everything!

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