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Found messages on my 12 year old's phone

(108 Posts)
bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 12:33:15

We've always had an open and good relationship with our 12 year old DS (he'll be 13 in April and started puberty early over a year ago). He's had a couple of girlfriends of his own age - the first was in year 6 and very sweet; the latest lasted around 9 months and was again very sweet (they are both so busy that they barely saw each other and the girlfriend's mother saw all their messages on their phones).

Last night, we discovered messages on his phone between him and a 16/17 year old (doing AS levels this year). Him telling her she's gorgeous, calling her babe, asking if they're an item. She's basically saying the same things. All very innocent if you ignore the fact that she's 4 years older. Then there were messages saying, "once we get off the school bus let's go behind B block and do some necking" (there were several about necking) and one in which DS said "now I've grabbed your bum, you can grab mine. You can grab me anywhere you want."

We found these around 10pm last night, so too late to ask him about them and this morning wasn't the right time.

So what do I do???? Talk to him first? Talk to the school? Talk to the girl's father (we know the family and the mother passed away a few years ago, but we're not friends iyswim)?

I didn't expect this! I don't want to get the girl in trouble but she's over the age of consent and he most definitely isn't!

Any advice please????

letseat Tue 13-Feb-18 12:46:43

* I don't want to get the girl in trouble *
She is definetly old enough to know better, that’s a huge age gap at that age, I’d talk to the school about it.

bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 13:01:13

I think I will speak to the school.

Oblomov18 Tue 13-Feb-18 13:06:21

Age of consent?
They haven't done anything like that/close to that, yet.
Why not talk to him first. Is he Year 8?
What year is She?

bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 13:07:23

Yes, he's year 8. She's in the lower 6th.

gamerchick Tue 13-Feb-18 13:14:23

She could be an extremely immature 16/17 yr old but no, at these ages he’s too young and she needs to be told. Maybe you should speak to her dad about it.

ShapelyBingoWing Tue 13-Feb-18 13:17:23

The idea of 'going for' a 12 year old when I was doing my AS levels would have repulsed me. You need to speak to the school and get her parents involved as she clearly needs a reminder of the kind of behaviour that crosses into the inappropriate.

KindergartenKop Tue 13-Feb-18 13:17:41

It would be considered weird to date a Y8 if you're inthe L6 amongst the teenagers I know.

KurriKurri Tue 13-Feb-18 13:21:41

I would definitely speak to the girl and to your son. Don;t concern yourself about getting her into trouble - she has got herself into trouble.
If a 16/17yr old boy was sending such messages to your 12 yr old DD would hesitate or would you find it totally innappropriate and do sometihng about it straight away. Older girls are just as responsible for their own behaviour as older boys.

Your son is vrey young and probably find the attention flattering, so you need to explain to him why it is innappropriate for this girl to be speaking to him in this way.

esk1mo Tue 13-Feb-18 13:26:12

thats very wrong. imagine a boy her age with your 12 year old DD. its no different just because the older one is female.

MrsElvis Tue 13-Feb-18 13:26:54

You've got to act now. Imagine if she were setting him up. She may have issues / be immature etc but protect him now

CB1234 Tue 13-Feb-18 13:39:33

I've got a 12 year old daughter, and if these messages were being sent by a 16year old sixth former, alarm bells would be ringing. This is massively inappropriate and needs to be dealt with. I think I would start with your DS to get a bit more info and then contact the school.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally Tue 13-Feb-18 13:49:58

If do exactly the same as I would if this was a 16 / 17 year old male targeting a 12 year old girl which is contact her parents the school and perpetrator directly . And if it carried on i'd contact the police

It's completely innapropriate

Oblomov18 Tue 13-Feb-18 14:31:53

Yes, she's far too old. Why a lower 6th would want to go out with a year 8, is most questionable.

bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 15:07:21

I've rung the school. Waiting for the head of year to call me back.

I think whatever year I was in in comp, any year lower than mine would have been too young. It is very strange. I do think she's immature though. My father died when I was 14 and it completely stunted my emotional development. I would say it took me until my late 20s to catch up with my peers. I retreated into myself immediately after his death and lost out on all those late teen years. I did all that in my 20s. But, I still wouldn't have been interested in a boy 4 years younger when I was 16.

For what it's worth, DS does look much older than his peers.

HildaZelda Tue 13-Feb-18 15:59:25

I wonder if she actually knows how old he is? You say that he's started puberty over a year ago and looks much older than his peers? Is it possible that she thinks he's closer to her own age? Not trying to defend her, just wondering if it's a possibility? If she does know how old he is, then something is definitely not right.

Justgivemesomepeace Tue 13-Feb-18 16:04:14

Something isn't right here. I cannot imagine any 6th former being seen dead with a yr 8. I also have not heard a teenager use the term 'necking' since about 1986. Have you spoken to your son about this?

Justgivemesomepeace Tue 13-Feb-18 16:06:32

Sorry just realised you haven't spoken to him. Hope the school are helpful. Seems very odd to me.

upsideup Tue 13-Feb-18 16:29:02

When my dsd was 12 she had a relationship with a 17 year old boy, there was absolutely not defending him or worrying about him getting into trouble from anybody.
Gender is irrelevent, this is so so wrong.

PurpleCrazyHorse Tue 13-Feb-18 16:29:38

Even if she thinks your DS is older than he is, at a max she might think he was in Y10. I still can't imagine being in L6 and being interested in a Y10 boy, if anything we were after the U6 boys!!

Hoping the school are helpful and that you have a good conversation with your DS. Sounds particularly difficult, so wishing you lots of luck.

bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 21:33:34

So I've just got back from work. DS is already in bed and fast asleep (unusual). The head of year did eventually ring me but I wasn't able to speak with her at the time as I was in work. She's ringing me tomorrow.

"D"H spoke to DS this evening though. DS told him there was nothing going on, they were just jokey messages from a while ago (to be honest I wasn't looking at the dates on the messages but some of them were definitely recent). He said DS started crying. DH asked him if he was lying to us and he said no.

I've now been told by DH to leave it at that. That he can't believe this girl could do that and he doesn't want to cause problems in school for either of them.

I'm still going to speak to the head of year tomorrow.

CB1234 Tue 13-Feb-18 21:43:10

Ask your DH if he would leave it if this was a 12 year old girl with a 16 year old boy.

Homemenu1 Tue 13-Feb-18 21:43:11

Maybe he stared crying because he doesn't know how to deal with the situation

bollockswhatdoIdo Tue 13-Feb-18 21:47:17

That's what I said to him CB1234. He just said she's a nice girl, but very immature.

That's what I think too Homemenu1

Could bloody kill DH for speaking to him while I wasn't there!!

Homemenu1 Tue 13-Feb-18 21:53:58

Is he on half term at the moment?

I think your dh needs a good talking to, I wonder what his motivation for speaking to ds on his own is about

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