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I'm not wrong to be annoyed with this, right?(10 Posts)
DP is shit at keeping in touch with people. He has 1 friend who he hardly ever sees, I used to contact him because DP didn't, now it generally goes through me and the friend's DP. He is shit at keeping in touch with his family, they aren't close anyway and don't see each other often, it can be a year or more between most visits (and that isn't just DP, they never ever visit us, we always have to go to them, whoever it is).
Recently we visited SIL, she mentioned about seeing us again, DP said she should go through me because she is more likely to get a reply. I said ok and DP gave my number.
A week ago we visited another relative and they mentioned about us going over again this week. DP told them that they will get more replies from me and he would give them my number. Now I was sat there, in front of them so could hardly say "do your own fucking contact" which is how I feel, it felt different with SIL as I get the feeling she is a bit lonely and we are close in age and have children of a similar age. DP didn't even ask me.
Now they are contacting me to make arrangements for this weekend. There is no reason for this, DP just cba. When I brought it up he said I know what we are doing at weekends. Crap excuse, he is more than capable of asking me or looking on the sodding calendar.
I have mentioned it again and how he put me on the spot so I could hardly say no. He just doesn't get how this annoying and doesn't really care and has said nothing. I pointed out I wouldn't expect him to facilitate contact between my family and us so it works both ways. When I asked if he would do it (with my family) he said "probably not" to which I said bullshit, you wouldn't do it at all. I can now foresee MIL finding out everyone else goes through me and wanting to do the same. Fuck Off!
So this is mainly a rant and kind of a 'this is how our relationship is' because I do all of the thinking, planning, organising, suggesting, sorting, contacting, household admin, DCs stuff etc etc etc. You get the picture. EVERYTHING is down to me, or it literally would not happen. I do it then have to tell him. I've asked for input and suggestions on things so many times but I get sod all response back other than "I don't know."
OP your situation slightly reminded me of this comic strip, which I thought is v clever and happens a lot. Women are often expected to be the 'manager'. But all that decision making and managing is exhausting, it's a whole new job really.
I understand your need to rant! I would be thinking exactly the same
Welcome to the world of wifework/emotional labour/general of the household. It sucks.
PS of course I realise the comic strip is talking about wider problems in sharing household jobs - whereas you are talking about a specific thing, organising contacts. Just the thinking reminded me of that
Ugh. I fucking hate this shit. I've started to take a stand and have explicitly said I am not your manager, nor am I subordinate to whom you can delegate tasks you can't be arsed with. He's basically saying that your time is less valuable than his, and he's so busy and important he can't possibly be expected to administrate his own life but you, his obedient assistant, will do it for him. Tell him he's now an adult and that means maintaining his relationships and responding to a bloody text message when it arrives. Put your foot down before this gets worse!
That comic seems pretty spot on actually. DP does do some things as I have a long term illness. But I've had to explicitly state what needs doing and I have to tell him to do housework at weekends, he wouldn't think time himself. He has also said "but it was done last weekend" I dread to think how often it would get done if I left him to it. Beds and towels would certainly never get changed and washing doesn't get done unless I ask him.
Fancy you have hit the nail on the head! That's exactly what it is.
It's a really hard dynamic to avoid. DH listened to me about the mental load and for about a fortnight he shared the mental load (took on organisation, didn't always ask me where the thing he was looking for in the fridge was, reminded DC about stuff). It was amaazing how good that felt for me. I think one phrase that helps is 'I'm only good at it because I have done it a lot, not because I enjoy it'.
See it's hard as there are some things I wouldn't trust to delegate and I feel the need to be on top of it and organise it. I'm quite independant and I need to feel in control of certain things.
However, this seems to make others think that they can delegate all their shit to me. Family always asking what presents they can buy other family, letting me act as a go between at times. Friends saying they neec a night out, oh it's OK, we'll tell FWW and she can sort it. And DP literally referring to me as 'The Diary' . Someone in work pointed out yesterday it's like he's treating me as his secretary, which I agree with. And now his family are contacting me, because they think I'll sort it, it's going to involve some sort of awkward conversation where it needs to be said that I'm not a sodding secretary and DP is an adult who has enough time to response to texts, he just cannot be bothered.
My MIL always contacts me for shit rather than my DH (her son). Nothing has instigated hr doing this but it's always me she contacts about things. "What time will you be arriving" when we are visiting. Why doesnt she ask her son these questions? That said, he is rubbish at contacting them and they always get a reply from me. Kinda made a rod for my own back there....
cjt110 honestly, stop replying and forward her texts to her son. If she questions you, just give a vague "not sure/don't know, try asking your son." I'll be very pissed off if MIL started it with me because she will keep texting (when she knows it's not convenient to answer, like her DS being in work), then she'll start phoning to ask why she hasn't got an answer. She can be pretty needy and I'm not dealing with that. DP knows what I think though so I don't think he'd offer her the same deal as the others .
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