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Anyone feel like everyone else has clever/talented kids and you don't?

(45 Posts)
dairymilkmonster Mon 22-Jan-18 15:08:50

Well that's it really. I have two very sweet ds' - age 6 and 2. ds2 is a typical 2yr old but is a little deaf so has a mild speech delay. Otherwise he is very active, interested in the world and generally normal/average.
Ds1 is in yr2, very sociable, hopeless at sports, no musical ability yet obvious (can't sing - like the rest of us!) and in the lower part of his class academically. Recently diagnosed with dyspraxia which explains a lot re physical milestones but he is not really 'abnormal' or special needs or anything. Very emotionally immature but very loving.
All my friends seem to have these amazing kids - you know the type - doing maths with higher years, already learning 2 instruments and passing exams on them, toddlers who can read, playing rugby for local selective teams, talented at ballet or whatever. Even my cleaners 3 yr old grand daughter is some sort of prodigy gymnast!
There must be some other average/normal/not especially amazing people out there - hand holding please. I recognise I should be able to cope with this non problem myself, but I appear to be hopeless and feel rather jealous that my ds (well the older, I consider my 2yr old a baby still) doesn't have something he is good at (yet).

DriggleDraggle Mon 22-Jan-18 15:14:15

i dont know.
i dont pay much attention to other people's children. i have enough going on with my own.

does that sound really awful? 😂

i do think you need to just not care what others are doing and simply enjoy your own. they are all fabulous, weird little buggers with their own unique and sometimes bizarre talents 😁

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 22-Jan-18 15:33:45

Oh tell me about it. Everyone else's kids never woke up in the night.
Were potty trained and dry at night by the time they were one.
Hated chocolate and sweets and loved veg.
Never had a tantrum.
Oh and the school considered put all of them in the year above because they were far too advanced. So if they were telling the truth my dd was almost the only child in her year. With all that 1-1 teaching. She'd have been ready for Oxford at 7. grin.
Ivə never bragged about DD. You don't know who you're bragging to. You could be bragging to someone who's child struggles or on the other hand. No matter how bright you tHink your child is. There is always a brighter one around the corner.
Also let's be honest who gives a shit. How bright little Ellena is. People have got their own children to be proud of.

dairymilkmonster Mon 22-Jan-18 16:04:45

I wish I didn't care - but for whatever reason I seem to wish my ds had something for him to be really proud of. Of course its true there is always someone brighter, and the grass is always greener, but you don't have to be absolutely the best at something (e.g. just good at it) to feel proud/great/whatever.
I guess its more I want life to work out well - like all parents do for their kids - and everyone else seems to have a natural advantage already!
Of course I do realise that the normal distribution means for anything most of us are 'average' and a proportion less than average.

StillMedusa Mon 22-Jan-18 16:11:34

Well I had one very bright one, one bright one, one average one and one with learning disability so I guess I covered the spectrum grin

But you know what? The very bright one was a nightmare to live with, the bright one has mental health problems, but the average one discovered music at about 10 and now gets paid to play and sing(in addition to his day job), and the learning disabled one, ..special schooled... now has a job and is loved by everyone who works with him.
Being super bright/super talented isn't the be all and end all! My 'less able' ones are far more stable happy personalities (although I do envy the potential salary of the very bright one who's now a doctor!)

Your ds may well find his own thing, later on. smile

DriggleDraggle Mon 22-Jan-18 16:14:22

you say he is very sweet and very sociable.

those are two things to be very proud of.

the ability to make friends and interact well is a skill not too many young children have yet, trust me! 😁

ThatsMyCow Mon 22-Jan-18 16:22:54

I think every parent has something they can feel proud about and something they're not as proud of. Some children are sweet, some are kind, some are caring, some have amazing empathy for their ages, some are great at maths, some are good with techy things, some are good at a sport. They all have something about them, just focus on the ones your child has instead of the ones they don't. I can guarantee yours has something your friends children don't, they all do.

reallyanotherone Mon 22-Jan-18 16:23:38

Bear in mind overexaggeration is likely. For example the 3 year old prodigy gymnast- she’s 3. Usually at that age all it means is they may be bigger than average and/or have lost the big head/short arms proportions earlier than average so handstands etc are easier.

I had an early walker. Every time someone asked me how old he was i could guarantee their grandchild walked about 2 months earlier- if i said he was 11m, gc walked at 9. Once i really pushed it and said he’d started walking at 7m, and indeed the gc started walking just before 6m.

In general it all evens out. And i’ve yet to see “potty trained at 18m” on anyone’s cv.

jimijack Mon 22-Jan-18 16:25:26

My older boy was that kid that no one invited to parties, I would have the teacher wanting "a quick word" regarding behaviour, inability to sit/concentrate/do work/keep up, never slept, blah blah blah...
Friend's angels were of course perfect.

But I'd be fucked if I got down about it all and believe me, I did get down about it, SO every night at bedtime we would cuddle, read our books and I would tell my boy 3 wonderful things that he had done that day to make me smile, laugh and proud.

It was just stuff like that funny little dance he did after tea or how seeing his smile coming out of school made me feel warm and fuzzy.
Some days of course it was hard to think of stuff....didn't you breath well was all I could come up with, but I would find something, anything to give him some positivity in his little day.

Fuck them, honestly, fuck them all, he is your job and was sent to you because he is your special child. Find joy in tiny things, because tiny things matter.

ThatsMyCow Mon 22-Jan-18 16:37:12

Yes to everything reallyanotherone says! So many people exaggerate so much. The best I've heard was a friend telling me their 15 hour old baby was saying hello to them. Yes, 15 hours, not 15 months or even weeks. Hours.

StoneColdDiva Mon 22-Jan-18 16:51:30

No matter how many people tell you not to worry and accept your children, it is hard when nobody else sees your little ones as the absolutely special people they are to you.

But there is so much to be said for the "marathon not a sprint" philosophy. And also that even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

I have a friend whose brilliant bright daughter was accepted to grammar school and excelled, won Latin cups, spoke several languages.

She is now struggling with mental health issues, really struggling. And I am not trying to make the point that bright kids automatically have mental health issues. What I am saying is that life is a long road and whilst her DD sailed through the 11+, grammar and A levels, she is in a dark place and nobody can help her right now.

What's on the surface is not the full story.

Treasure your little DC. They may be average at school but they are unique, special, wonderful little people whose value is not measured in medals or book bands.

EatSleepRantRepeat Mon 22-Jan-18 16:51:36

You know what - I was the bright overachieving kid at school, but now I'm in the workplace I'm highly anxious & don't cope well with making mistakes, because I'd always been the big fish in the small pool. Being amicable on getting on with your peers like your DS is a fantastic life skill that can't really be taught - in most places I've worked, there are so many highly intelligent people but it's the ones with interpersonal and networking skills who shoot past the rest of us when it comes to new opportunities and promotions. The girl who has been promoted fastest in our cohort has literally zero qualifications, but is amazing at problem solving and getting buy-in from other people on projects.

Saysomethingnice Mon 22-Jan-18 16:53:56

I tend not to compare dc in this way except for basic development mile stone stuff.
Friends dc is verging on prodigy.. I am thrilled for them and I feel proud of him grin he has amazing brain.
I do not however feel my dc are any less intelligent in thier own ways or have lesser brains. I view him as him. Try not to compare like this, true of everything really, figure, money etc.. Will lead for a miserable life

StoneColdDiva Mon 22-Jan-18 16:56:04

As it happens I have a DD who is on the extreme edges of lots of measures: sociability, gregariousness, IQ. I don't think her life is going to be easy, frankly, although she is currently a high achiever academically. I worry about her.

Beeinthecity Mon 22-Jan-18 17:04:28

I hear you op. I have a child with Sen, late for all milestones, struggled through school, not sporty, can't play an instrument.

Specialist told her that one day soon she will find something and be amazing at it. She said the other days she thinks he was lying as she's never found anything sad

It's tough

TinklyLittleLaugh Mon 22-Jan-18 17:22:29

Loving, sociable and interested in the world are the best indicators for a happy life though OP. I'm sure your boy will be fine. And he's only little; he might surprise everyone academically yet.

My kids went to a small school that had kids of two different years in the same class. My DS was considered very bright, his best mate all through primary was a year older and kept down a class due to being below average. In year six his mate got exactly the same good SATS as the boys in his year who'd been considered high fliers. In his early twenties he's got pretty much the same qualifications as DS and is earning more money.

taskmaster Mon 22-Jan-18 17:24:33

it is hard when nobody else sees your little ones as the absolutely special people they are to you

It's not, its the norm. No-one is impressed by other peoples children. Of course yours are not special to everyone else.

DS is pretty average grin He’s middle of the road for pretty much everything- is achieving what he’s supposed to but not excelling, comes in the middle of everything at sports day, eats reasonably well but not into lentil curry etc wink

I think he’s brilliant though! He’s funny and kind, and exceptionally cute smile

numbereightyone Mon 22-Jan-18 17:39:41

jimijack You an amazing parent.

numbereightyone Mon 22-Jan-18 17:42:16

'You are an amazing parent.'

FluffyWuffy100 Mon 22-Jan-18 17:44:52

There is much to be said for being average! Average and working hard with a good sensible head on your shoulders can get you a long way.

Titsywoo Mon 22-Jan-18 17:46:05

It is hard. I don't compare myself to my friends normally but when my kids are struggling and they are talking about how well theirs are getting on I do feel upset sometimes. Dd is the loveliest kindest girl I know but she struggles socially and is very much average academically. Ds is autistic and struggles with a lot of things and is behind by 2 years academically. They are such good kids though and I hope they do well in life. You never know though do you? As previous posters say the ability to get on with people makes a big difference and lots of their peers find my kids odd.

Afterconkerseason Mon 22-Jan-18 17:51:12

Actually I feel the opposite! Although some of my friends have children at school my DS is only 3.5 and no one I know has mentioned any particular talent or burgeoning genius in their DC! We all seem to have reassuringly average children smile

Actually we have one friend who talks a lot about how great her daughter is at dancing and is clearly very proud, which is lovely. But erm, her daughter is a very average dancer to be honest!

Taffeta Mon 22-Jan-18 17:56:36

Loving, sociable and interested in the world are the best indicators for a happy life though OP

^^ this

I have an average DC and a bright one. One that met all the milestones, just - and one that smashes them all without a backwards glance. One that is happy, content, kind, thoughtful and one that is always striving for more, massively competitive and has poor impulse control.

I think one will be happy, and it’s not the bright one.

Ignore or be happy for the successes of others. Parents boast because they are proud and some think it reflects on them as parents so they want to share the glory.

Skowvegas Mon 22-Jan-18 18:09:03

Like StillMedusa I seem to have ended up with the full range.

I have one who is really academically and musically gifted but has lots of ups and downs emotionally and no common sense.

One who I think of as average, but who I think in terms of personality is well set up for life.

One who academically is way behind, loves sports but isn't very good at any of them, but keeps on trying.

I see the good in them all. And actually, so do their teachers and coaches and everyone else who interacts with them.

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