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My friend needs urgent help.

(41 Posts)
jinglebells203 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:43:07

Hi, my best friend has been an alcoholic for years. For context her ex, the father to her child, is abusive. He raped her on Xmas day 2016 and beat her to a pulp which was the final straw. Her daughter had to live with said father as her barrister urged her to drop the charges, saying her daughter would then be at risk of being taken off them both and put into care. Obviously social services were involved.
She was sober for 5 months, went to court to get proper access to her daughter although the ex was carrying on the abuse. It's all proved too much for her. She got together with another troubled addict last Saturday and hasn't stopped drinking since, although he used her and left so she's now alone.She's not washed herself or cleaned up her house since that time and her parents won't speak to her. The ex thinks she's got flu so has not seen her daughter since.
It seems quite hard to get support at the weekend so I'm really at a loss with how to help her.
She desperately wants to stop drinking but is terrified it will kill her.
Is there anything I can do to immediately support my friend? I feel so out of my depth 😫.

jinglebells203 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:16:43


buddhasbelly Sat 13-Jan-18 16:23:42

She needs to get to GP and/or walk in to get detox medication. Depending on how heavily she's drinking, yes stopping straight away can be very dangerous and can be fatal. It needs to be tapered but therein lies the problem; an alcoholic will find this very hard to do. Hence she needs medical assistance. Until the drinking has been tackled, nothing else can be. Where is her dd now? Sorry couldn't follow that but.

buddhasbelly Sat 13-Jan-18 16:25:51

In worry case she would need a and a but only if an is actively trying to stop. Without knowing how much she is drinking (you can't, there could be drink stashes you don't know about), stopping straight away eg going from a 70cl vodka daily to nothing is very dangerous.

buddhasbelly Sat 13-Jan-18 16:26:19

Worst not worry... and a&e

BulletFox Sat 13-Jan-18 16:29:04

I had a friend who was hospitalised overnight, I assume she had a single dosage of librium to help with the dangerous effects of withdrawal. She was back the next day, anyway.

After that she'd need a formal program.

Would she be happy for you to speak to her GP on her behalf?

Gramgram Sat 13-Jan-18 16:31:47

You would probably be better off calling 111 for advice before heading off for A&E.

buddhasbelly Sat 13-Jan-18 16:32:39

Yes gramgram has better advice than me sorry OP, 111 would be a good idea.

jinglebells203 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:32:52

Her daughter is with her dad. He can't know as he will use it against her. From what she's told me she's not actually drinking that much. I'm not quite as worried about her immediate health she sounds coherent and seems to be drinking just enough to take the edge off the symptoms. She's on lager and wine and says she's not touched spirits. Shes Just informed me that at AA she was told that she had to accept her part in the rape! I'm so angry about this comment and thankfully she doesn't believe it. I think it's what has made her lose faith in AA.
She's suffering really bad anxiety too and is scared of going to the GP, too scared to go to A&E in case she loses her daughter to the abusive ex for good. I'm really at a loss on how to help her really.

jinglebells203 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:34:55

When she went to A&E the first time, before she gave up for 5 months, she was sent away by the drs saying whatever you do don't just stop drinking. Almost like a green card to continue. They didn't keep her in.

BulletFox Sat 13-Jan-18 16:37:57

Can she taper off whilst a plan is put in place for long term withdrawal?

Put up a wall chart to monitor consumption?

There are phonelines she can call.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 13-Jan-18 16:38:05

She has to want to help herself OP.
It's very hard watching someone you care about, self destruct.
Sounds like she has had a tough time, but is now in danger of losing her daughter.

Bendyandtheinkmachine Sat 13-Jan-18 16:41:46

OP will your friend go to the GP? Can you go with her?

buddhasbelly Sat 13-Jan-18 16:42:05

As harsh as it is to say,an alcoholic that is actively drinking can't be trusted in what they say they're drinking. A high tolerance to alcohol can mean that someone who is drinking a lot can still seem coherent.

The social work issue is not the immediate problem. The child comes first and right now she is in what I deemed to be a safe place.

The thing that needs to be tackled now is the drinking. If she is not able to taper off and stop herself on her own then it would need to be a medical support for this. As PP said 111 would be the port of call over the weekend. The desire to stop drinking seems to be there from her but she needs a plan to do this.

Missingstreetlife Sat 13-Jan-18 16:48:45

She could try and find a women only aa meeting

horatioisabrick Sat 13-Jan-18 16:53:05

Well... she needs help.

And I really believe that she needs to go to the police over her DH’s behaviour. Social services won’t just ‘take’ her DD away / deny her access.

The situation might actually be better for your friend (and therefore also her DD).

I’m curious about that lawyer, btw

Goodasgoldilox Sat 13-Jan-18 16:57:48

''has been an alcoholic for years''
OP it is wonderful that you want to help your friend - but there will be a limit to what you can do. This is not something you can change for her.

I agree about looking for all female AA - and seeing the GP. She does need a lot of help.

lolaflores Sat 13-Jan-18 16:57:48

Just accept right now there is nothing you can do that is anything more helpful than keep her safe from herself and others.
yes to tapering but do it very slowly.
First thing Monday go to your local Drugs and Alcohol service. There might be an NHS one or it might be a charity. tey can refer for detox. An emergency bed might be found for her.
Underfunding means places are squeezed and although your friend says she ewants help like right NOW. That might be a differen tune come Monday. Keep her occupied. DOnt know if you can go to an AA meeting whilst still drinking

MadMags Sat 13-Jan-18 17:04:28

There's nothing anyone here can do, OP.

Harsh as that sounds.

And it doesn't sound like she's safe to be around her dd at the moment.

What exactly are you worried about right now? If she's in immediate danger, take her to A&E.

If not, and you say you're not worried for her safety, then all you can do is encourage her to go back to GP or find another AA.

She has to do it herself.

usedtogotomars Sat 13-Jan-18 17:06:10

Child would be better in care, surely.

What a horrible situation.

Emmageddon Sat 13-Jan-18 17:14:32

Is she willing to phone AA and speak to someone about their women only meetings? She needs to see her GP and get some medical help to withdraw from alcohol, and some psychological help to deal with the underlying reasons for her dependence on alcohol. If her child is safe with her father, then that can all be dealt with once your friend in in recovery.

Confused24 Sat 13-Jan-18 17:16:00

The nhs website has a number on it for weekends, it’s only open until 4pm though. They may know other services that are open longer. The only thing you can do to help is be there to hold her hand and be a shoulder to cry on. She needs professional help especially when there is a child involved. I hope she gets the help she needs flowers

sarahjconnor Sat 13-Jan-18 17:17:09

What a terribly sad situation. As a child of abusive addicts married to a child of alcoholics I can only ask you to please please please put this child first. I know you are her mums friend but please think about her needs. Please.

Willswife Sat 13-Jan-18 17:17:34

I am surprised at the comment from AA, glad she doesn't believe it, but I think it is the best place to help her get through her relapse. There are meetings every day of the year and turning to them is better than turning to drink.

There are obviously things that can be put in place so that she and her ex do not need to come into contact. Did she report the attack(s) to the Police, I don't understand how he isn't in prison for such a savage beating?

I don't think there is much you can do other than direct her to AA. They really are the best people to help her through the weekend.

ReturneeUK Sat 13-Jan-18 17:30:07

She needs to contact AA or social services or whatever group herself. She needs to do this - no one else can help an alcoholic till they are ready.

Being dry for five months is not the same as actively being in recovery and trying to figure out why she drinks. Anxiety sounds like the root of her problem, but only really working at herself will fully show that.

Almost four years of sober recovery here. I was terrified of admitting I had a problem, terrified of what would happen. Life got really hard for a year or so, all my drinking consequences catching up with a, but it was still better than being drunk. Now life is amazing and drinking never is an option.

Tell her you will be there for her, but you won't enable her drinking. A sober sane mother is what her little girl needs.

Oh, she lying about how much she's drinking probably ( I did) and that the docs told her to keep drinking. I never told my doctors the truth.

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