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Am I being a bit unkind

(53 Posts)
Golftee Sat 13-Jan-18 02:23:39

Dd has 3 week old baby. She went out tonight. I offered to baby sit. Her and boyfriend left about 9pm. I messaged her at 12 to see where they were they said they are just having a couple of drinks. And leaving very soon. But she did not get in till 2am baby keeps her awake alot at night. Early morning. I had planned on having him for her in the morning so she can sleep. But as she came in pretty late. I'm kind of thinking why should I have the baby when she's choosing to come in at 2am. I have little ones to look after myself.who still wake in the night. I have to be up 6.45 on week days even if I have hardly slept. So weekend is when i don't have to be up.

As I said baby is 3 weeks old. So should I just have him.anyway and give Dd a break. And tell her to come home earlier next time?

LittleBirdBlues Sat 13-Jan-18 02:29:43

What did you agree beforehand? Did she specify what time she would be back? If not, I think you have both learned a good lesson for the future.

Have you slept at all before she came home?

I think if you said you would stay in the morning nans give them a lie in then you hauls honour that but be clearer about your boundaries next time. If you haven't promised you are well within our rights to leave in te morning. They will manage!

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 02:31:07

I would probably look after the baby this time but have a very firm chat with her in the morning and set some ground rules.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 13-Jan-18 02:51:12

What’s the difference between midnight and 2 really? Be more specific next tine. Night off means night off. It’s up to her what she does with it.

I think really you’d be better off encouraging her to be a good mum and get some rest rather than going out drinking with her boyfriend. I get the impression she’s very young.

FastWindow Sat 13-Jan-18 02:54:13

Baby is three weeks old and mum goes out?
At that point I wasn't even actually dressed.

BastardGoDarkly Sat 13-Jan-18 02:54:37

You can still be a good mum and go out for a drink hmm

Had you agreed a time op? Or did you just assume?

Have the baby for her, then yes, next time, firm understanding on what time she's to be back.

Scrumptiousbears Sat 13-Jan-18 03:01:18

@FastWindow Exactly what I was thinking. grin

Maryz Sat 13-Jan-18 03:06:35

You need to plan in advance. She's young, presumably, so nights out will be important to her.

Maybe give her a night a fortnight where she can go out late, and sleep in. And get her to do the same for you (if you don't want to go out, ask her to at least give you a lie in).

An evening out when you have to get up at 6 am isn't much fun. If she's coping well with the rest of the time, and you can give her time to have fun, then maybe it will be easier for everyone.

FastWindow Sat 13-Jan-18 03:11:06

bears I remember week three as the one I went downstairs and made my own tea. As opposed to everything being brought up to me. I do not remember going out, because it took me so long to even leave the child with anyone but me....

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 13-Jan-18 03:17:40

But Bastard, the whole point of this thread is that it’s not A drink. It’s drinking all evening then sleeping it off in the morning. With her boyfriend, so neither parent there presumably, and a grandmother who feels she’s being taken advantage of. I wouldn’t say it’s ideal, would you?

Charolais Sat 13-Jan-18 03:22:28

When my babies were 3 weeks old I never ventured into the garden without them. I couldn’t relax if I was out of earshot and then there’s the breast feeding ....

TiffanyAtBreakfast Sat 13-Jan-18 03:23:54

Did you 100% agree on 12 for her to be back? YANBU as 2am is taking the piss imo, but if they didn't even leave til 9pm, I bet 3 hours whizzed by. It would've been better all round if they'd gone out say 7.30-12.30.

Tbh I'm impressed... at 3 weeks pp I would've far rather taken the opportunity to have the 5hrs break as a block of uninterrupted sleep!

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sat 13-Jan-18 03:25:22

Do it this time but tell her in future you won't.

My friend is 50 and has three teen DD"s in addition to two under tens, two of the DD"s have toddlers.

All live with my friend.

Sometimes my poor friend gets stuck with her own smaller DC AND the grandchildren.

She ends up trying to track her errant, partying DD"s down to get their kids!

FastWindow Sat 13-Jan-18 03:43:05

sausages has your friend ever considered that she caused all of the errant behaviour?

Bunglecunt Sat 13-Jan-18 04:13:16

Was that bitchy comment really necessary FastWindow?

Shadow666 Sat 13-Jan-18 04:15:30

So should I just have him.anyway and give Dd a break. And tell her to come home earlier next time?

I think so, yes.

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 04:19:52

FastWindow wtf?! How on earth can you possibly know that hmm

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sat 13-Jan-18 04:24:53

Fast comments like that belong on the Daily Mail site.

You sound silly.

AstridWhite Sat 13-Jan-18 04:43:46

So should I just have him.anyway and give Dd a break. And tell her to come home earlier next time?

Well it looks as if you'll have no choice - good luck with waking her up if she's been out drinking until 2am.

But if someone feels entitled to that sort of 'break' after only three weeks as a parent then that does not bode well for the future and I think you need to lay down some firm boundaries from now on and remind her that parenthood involves certain sacrifices on the social life front, regardless of your age.

BeesleyRhi Sat 13-Jan-18 07:05:43

Im with astrid . Good comment.

PinkietheElf Sat 13-Jan-18 07:11:27

You sound annoyed and that you might have been taken advantage of OP.
The person who can stop this happening again is you.
Perhaps have a discussion with DD about what is most important to her. Perhaps have baby through an afternoon so DD can shop without pram, then your sleep isn't affected. Or babysit until 11 so you can get home. or a list of other options. See what she wants most as imv you are making assumptions about what best suits her.

Golftee Sat 13-Jan-18 09:25:38

Thank you everyone. Originally she was going out for a meal. Just nandos. So thought she would only be a couple of hours. Then when I contacted her about 12 said they are having a couple of drinks in the pub. So I thought they won't be to long. But no I was not clear on time. Guess once i knew they were in the pub I should have put a time on it.

Im going to have a chat with her later though. She has a baby that sleeps all day and then awake all night. From about 1am on wards. But dd does not even attempted to go to sleep before 2am. If she has a night time waker then she needs to be going to sleep at say 8 or something. I know it's a pain but if that's the only time she can properly sleep for a while then that's what she will need to do.

Bluntness100 Sat 13-Jan-18 09:31:25

Seems a lack of communication here. I would fulfil your commitment and say nothing, however next time I would be clear on what you were willing to do.

You were only willing to babysit for two hours, between 9-11, you should have explained that to her. Renaging on the morning commitment because it was longer thr night before because you "thought" is not ok.

Meet your commitment and be clear next time.

Fairylea Sat 13-Jan-18 09:34:45

How old is your daughter? I’m asking because she sounds like me- I had my dd (now a teenager) when I was quite young and my idea of a night out was to stay out until 1/2ish. I wouldn’t have thought about coming straight home after dinner, it wouldn’t have occurred to me. Also, I really struggled to adjust to having a baby and the lack of sleep - I would stay up really late just to have some time to myself and would then feel miserable and exhausted the next day. Do you think some of that is going on? I think better communication is needed about what you expected and how she is feeling.

I am closer to 40 now and I can see that at times my mum felt I took advantage of her with my dd but I didn’t see that at all at the time.

PurpleDaisies Sat 13-Jan-18 09:34:54

I agree with bluntness-the issue here is communication.

Next time, set a clear time for her to be back.

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