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How bad is it for a baby not to be with her mum

(110 Posts)
creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 20:02:11

Here is my situation. I am pregnant and am due next month.

Things have been difficult with my dp throughout the pregnancy and it’s exposed cracks I suppose we didn’t know were there. Now we are not together.

The problem is due to a myriad of reasons I can’t care for the baby alone. So I think custody will go to him. But obviously I am aware uneasily that this isn’t the done thing.

Hope fully the baby can stay with me for the first fortnight or so to benefit from colostrum. After that, well I don’t know, it’s new to me too.

Does anybody have any advice?

TeenTimesTwo Fri 12-Jan-18 20:05:47

flowers My suggestion would be talk to your health visitor.

I guess it depends on why you (think you) can't care for the baby, which you don't have to go into here. It may be there is more support out there available that you aren't aware of.

OlennasWimple Fri 12-Jan-18 20:06:39

My advice would be to look at the myriad reasons why (you think) you can't look after your baby alone, and consider whether with some support - from DP or elsewhere - you can keep your baby with you.

Would you feel happy to share some of the big ones so that we can help you work them through?

Is SS already aware of your pregnancy, and do you have a SW?

Athrawes Fri 12-Jan-18 20:07:32

Can you explain the issues you have, we may have suggestions. Does your partner want to be the primary carer? Open adoption?

MrsHathaway Fri 12-Jan-18 20:10:15

Talk to your midwife. Be very candid. They have heard almost everything before so you won't shock or disgust her.

A friend of mine lived apart from her small child for several years for medical reasons. They are together again now and have always had a good relationship. But my friend had a lot of help and support, which you (generic you) have to ask for, so it's worthwhile asking.

DriggleDraggle Fri 12-Jan-18 20:12:21

well, it is what it is and if you believe that you cannot or do not want to care for the baby for whatever reason (and you are under no obligation to justify yourself here btw) then yes, they will be fine. babies are adopted at birth, or lost their mother at birth, for example. if they have a caregiver then they will survive.

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 20:46:16

No SW or SS involvement. It’s nothing like that, combination of disability, finances and lack of support. Alone, none of them would be insurmountable to caring for my child but together they are. I already know this so don’t need to involve midwife/HV. It’s really about when it’s best to ‘give’ him or her to ex P.

helpmum2003 Fri 12-Jan-18 20:49:12

I'm sorry you feel you couldn't care for your child. Please discuss with your midwife. Could you be depressed?

OlennasWimple Fri 12-Jan-18 20:50:28

Could you try looking after your baby for as long as possible, and only change custody arrangements if your fears are realised?

You might be surprised what help can be available, so please don't dismiss discussing the issue with your MW

Obviously you will need to make the decision that you feel is best for you and your baby, but speaking as both a birth mother and an adoptive mother (whose adopted child was removed from her birth mother two days after being born), the very very best place for your baby is with you, for as long as possible

flowers

NeversayNever2 Fri 12-Jan-18 20:56:51

I don't think you can make this decision without having baby first although plan for every eventuality. Your the only smells, sounds movement baby has known for 9 months...
Babies are quite easy to begin with, they sleep loads usually..

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 20:57:58

Yes, I know, but they still need some stuff and the bigger they get the less I’ll be able to provide that. sad

SoftSheen Fri 12-Jan-18 21:01:28

Children cope with all sorts of things but in the vast majority of cases, the best place for a baby is with its mother. Please do talk frankly to your midwife and health visitor, it is their job to provide you with support. They may also be able to make a referral to social services if appropriate.

Also, I don't know your individual circumstances (and they may well be very difficult), but many people feel overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of caring for a baby. However, most people do find their own way, and do cope! If you are proactive in seeking some good support now, then things may feel a bit more manageable. I wish you all the best flowers

Mormont Fri 12-Jan-18 21:04:39

If you involve the midwife/health visitor then things could be put in place to support you. You don't know what help there is until you ask. Also social services might help if you are disabled. From the way you are writing it seems like you could be depressed. Please ask for help.

teaandakitkat Fri 12-Jan-18 21:04:41

The longer baby stays with you the better. You are all they have ever known.
In the early days they need food, nappies, clothes and somewhere safe to sleep. Have you got most of that?

Are you worried about being physically able to lift and carry your baby?

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 21:05:49

That’s definitely a consideration tea

It sometimes takes me a long time to be able to move (not always, sometimes I am okay, but it varies)

BarrackerBarmer Fri 12-Jan-18 21:08:30

What do you want, OP?
Do you want to keep your child yourself and so you need extra support? Or do you want to give your child up to focus on other issues?

You sound resigned to giving away your baby but not clear on whether this is your choice or forced upon you unwillingly.

If you don't want to give your child up people can help signpost you to some support.

Strongvegetables Fri 12-Jan-18 21:09:05

Oh cream are you ok? Sounds very stressful for you?

Do you want to try and find ways to get help? You sound like you’ve already given up flowers

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 21:09:06

It’s not just about me, though. I have to think about what’s best for my baby, regardless of what I want personally.

SoftSheen Fri 12-Jan-18 21:09:40

Babies need their mothers far more than they need 'stuff'. You will be your baby's world.

LuckyTwiglet Fri 12-Jan-18 21:10:32

You said you are not with your partner any more. Do you have anyone to support you with the pregnancy and prepare for the birth? hugs xx

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 21:11:52

I don’t have anybody, I’m still reeling a bit really.

Newtothismumthing1 Fri 12-Jan-18 21:15:03

If you are looking at what’s best for the baby then can you and your dp not live together at least for the first few months of their life. I do firmly believe a baby should be with its mother. They have spent 9months inside you and your body Is made to look after them once they are born. However if you need support, financial or physical I should hope your dp is responsible enough to put the issues aside to be there.

strangerhoesagain Fri 12-Jan-18 21:16:05

Baby should be with you. You can access support.

SoftSheen Fri 12-Jan-18 21:16:07

It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. However, it is possible to develop your own support network. Please talk to your health visitor. She may, for instance, be able to put you in touch with your local children's centre, where you will be able to meet other new parents, some of whom may also be in difficult circumstances.

creamwoollycardi Fri 12-Jan-18 21:20:36

I do appreciate people’s replies but it’s not just about the baby, but the child, teenager, adult even, that baby will become.

Some days I’m not even going to be able to pick her up when she’s crying. If she’s ill and can’t go to nursery or a childminder I have to take the day off work, combined with my own illnesses I could end up losing my job or being seriously financially penalised. She’d never see me anyway. She’d be in nursery from 4minths onwards full time.

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