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Sending DD to grandparents on her own

(20 Posts)
ninnynono Sun 17-Dec-17 09:06:05

Dd is almost 4. We have pil visiting st the moment and she is just awful with me. If I go over to her she hits me or kicks me. I just tried to get her dressed and she screamed at me to go away, she only wants her grandma, she doesn’t love me.

I know it’s just words and she’s revelling in the attention of her doting grandma but it hurts and 5 days of her being horrible to me is just too much.

I didn’t really want to send her to my inlaws on her own before she was older but now I feel like there’s no choice. I think next visit her dad can take her and then go to collect her again. They live in another country.

DH says I’m being childish but it gets me down and I’d rather avoid the situation in the future.

Wwyd? Am I being childish?

slimyslitheryslug Sun 17-Dec-17 09:11:53

Alternatively, you could just hand her over to PIL and go out for the day by yourself. Go for a walk, do some shopping, go to the cinema, retreat to your bedroom & read a book, send the grandparents off to the park or something whilst you just sit at home & relax for once. They are all of the sorts of things I do now as, whilst my DC weren't as extreme as your DD, there was too much conflict.
Also, it will change as they get older. As a pre-schooler, my DD adored her GPs. She still does but prefers me & the fact that things are back to normal when I'm in charge. Knowing that is enough to get me through the visits.

Mummyontherun86 Sun 17-Dec-17 09:17:25

Don’t do that- alone in another country at 4 would be a bad idea. She is most likely a bit anxious and is displaying that to you because she believes you are the safe one rather than her grandparents. If you send her away, she will learn you aren’t safe and will be anxious.

ninnynono Sun 17-Dec-17 09:18:16

I already do that. Keep my distance while they do lots of fun things together. But I can’t even take 5 minutes with her!

I am hoping with time it gets better. It’s wonderful they have a great relationship but being hit when you go in for a cuddle is hard! You’ve encouraged me slug, thanks smile

AJPTaylor Sun 17-Dec-17 09:19:55

No. Do not over react and offer something you will regret later.
Your 4 year old is probably actually confused and stressed by the competing attention. Is used to being centre of your world and equilibrium knocked by addition of grandparents. Lucky girl in many ways. Dont apply adult standards to an infants behaviour. She has emotions that she is struggling with too.
Be clear, firm and loving with her. Let them spend 121 time with her. Make sure bedtimes are stuck to and sensible food.

ninnynono Sun 17-Dec-17 09:21:41

I don’t know mummy. It’s very much in our culture to take grandkids for weeks on end - most of my friends do that with their kids. I don’t think she wouldn’t even realize she’s in another country; she has no real idea of distances.

ninnynono Sun 17-Dec-17 09:43:50

They spend all day with her. She gets up and goes to their room so they give her breakfast then they spend all day with her then mil gives her her dinner and puts her to bed. Difficult to keep bedtimes and sensible food though - it’s Christmas! They like spoiling her too (understandably) so there are lots of treats.

I don’t know, thought it would be easier for everyone. I feel like a spare part when they’re around anyway and now dd is being so tough with me I thought itd be a good solution.

kateclarke Sun 17-Dec-17 10:14:12

My dd was like that with my dm at that age.

Now she’s a teenager she can’t stand her and we are really close.

Athome77 Sun 17-Dec-17 10:21:29

My kids stayed at my parents and in laws for three weeks over the summer several times when they were younger. We lived overseas and I couldn’t stand staying with my parents for 5-6 weeks, I would come back stay for a few weeks, go home and then come back for them. It was great 😄

AJPTaylor Sun 17-Dec-17 10:24:23

Sorry but if you have abanndoned sensible bedtimes and food this early "for Christmas" you have a long road ahead with a 4 year old.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris Sun 17-Dec-17 10:25:24

Are you you sore granny isn't diving the wedge between the you? How's it your relationship? Aside four year olds don't understand and got through all sorts of stuff like that. I would just keep an eye out for comments like... Granny does this doesn't she but mummy doesn't

AJPTaylor Sun 17-Dec-17 10:25:51

And that is your issue. Kids need boundaries, they dont get better when they are removed!

Whowhatwhy Sun 17-Dec-17 10:28:43

How do you respond when she hits you OP? I think you need to deal with the behaviour rather than just sending her away to grandparents.

Wellthen Sun 17-Dec-17 10:37:16

I think pil need to be supporting you as well - they should be making it clear that hitting Mummy isn’t acceptable. At 4 there should be clear consequences for that behaviour which gps should take part in so there isn’t a split between ‘mean mummy’ and ‘nice gps’

What does your partner make of this?

ninnynono Sun 17-Dec-17 10:51:00

AJP we won’t see inlaws at xmas so we’ve done an early celebration with them, so she went to bed late last night. I do believe that some flexibility with bedtime and food on special occasions is ok and shouldn’t result in terrible behaviour.

itsbeginning, mil is pretty good and wouldn’t be driving a wedge but she is SO devoted to dd that dd definitely knows that grandma is always available, won’t say no, happy to be interrupted etc.

I talk to dd and say hitting isn’t acceptable etc. She does apologize but doesn’t stop.

Also hard that we speak different languages to dd and mil doesn’t understand English so often I can be talking to dd and mil is talking over me. Doesn’t help communication.

who I’m not sending her away. I’m trying to manage their frequent visits!

Whowhatwhy Sun 17-Dec-17 20:34:49

Sorry op, I must have misunderstood you when you said "I didn’t really want to send her to my inlaws on her own before she was older but now I feel like there’s no choice".

ninnynono Mon 18-Dec-17 07:10:17

who I meant that I’m not ´sending her away’ because she’s hitting. The hitting is unacceptable but a detail. We have to see pil quite often and I was thinking that maybe it would be easier if she now starts going to theirs on her own - something which has been requested since she was three months old but I wanted to wait until she was around 5 or 6.

Codlet Mon 18-Dec-17 07:15:55

Maybe it’s the way your OP is worded. It’s fine for a 4yo to visit grandparents on her own for a few days IMO. But in your OP you describe it as sending her away, and you imply that it’s as a direct result of the hitting and bad behaviour- that’s the bit that I (and other posters) am struggling with.

ninnynono Mon 18-Dec-17 07:31:46

Oh no sad that’s not what I meant at all.

I just feel so hurt at the constant rejection from my dd when my mil is around. Whatever form it comes in - she won’t even answer when I talk to her. So I was thinking it might be easier for her to visit them on her own.

thecraddock Mon 18-Dec-17 07:33:19

It’s just a phase. Don’t overreact

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