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This is a weird one.. I think.

(28 Posts)
karolinkachelm Fri 15-Dec-17 20:00:02

I'm new to Mumsnet so please bear with me!

Just looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation.

Basically I have DS from a previous relationship. Me and his Dad get on fine, generally pleasant for DS sake. We've been split 6 years.

Now I'm with new partner of 2 years and we've recently had a baby together. DD is 2 months old.

The thing is, DS Dad has been asking to hold DD when he drops DS home or picks him up. He's told DS that when DD is older she can come to his to play etc. He is still single and hasn't had another relationship since we've split as far as I know.

His parents have also asked if they can look after DD and have told DS that she can come to play there too and have asked 5 or 6 times now to come up and see DD. I have a good relationship with them but only as far as arrangements for DS with them etc.

Now I don't know if I am just being harsh but they are not DDs family so I can't understand it, never mind how uncomfortable it's making DP.

Any advice on how to ask them to back off without being a bitch? Or is this normal? I feel like I'm going mad!

Pru24 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:09:28

Sounds like a hard situation but Personally i think its understandable as its your ds's sister so even thou you do not feel there is a family connection, i can see why they do. This could be rather nice for you all in the long run, the children wont feel any resentment when one child goes or gets to stay every other weekend for example? Surely its nice that they as your ex's family want to embrace the ds's new sister and be open to positive relationships for the sake of ds.

WattdeEll Fri 15-Dec-17 20:10:29

I think that’s lovely. The more people willing to love your children the better. We are desperately short of family and exDH is like an uncle to my son from my new relationship and it has done wonders for DS1. Families are all different, don’t write it off as a bad thing.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 15-Dec-17 20:12:35

I think it's really nice that they are recognising that this is your DS's sibling and they're bound to meet her throughout her life so might as well have a relationship of some sort with her.

If DP has DD and DS's best interests at heart then they will want life to be as easy as possible for them. They sound like good people.

Bluntness100 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:13:24

I’m not really sure This is about you or your new child as a stand a'one entity.

Surely you realise she is your soms sister? Why is it important to you they do not recognise this and to ensure no one ever treats them as siblings?

karolinkachelm Fri 15-Dec-17 20:13:45

I understand that side of it but I have to put myself in DPs shoes. Would I really want his ex partner and her family looking after my DD? I don't think so. It's difficult, I can't expect him to think that it's acceptable.

Tinselistacky Fri 15-Dec-17 20:15:18

It will be amazing for the siblings to have relationships with the same people, related or not!! Less chance of any rivalry, they will get to spend more time together too, not split up at week ends etc! And you get support and free time!!

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 15-Dec-17 20:21:05

If your ex was taking your son out on a really cool day out and your daughter and ds have a normal sibling relationship then I really don't see any harm in her joining them. I think it's actually great because it doesn't promote this massive segregation of 'YOUR FAMILY' vs 'MINE'.

If your DP was not willing to accept your DS as part of his family then I'd tell you to run.

You've basically had kids with two different guys who want the best for their kids. The best for their kids being a good sibling relationship without segregation.

They don't have to both be bundled off to your ex inlaws for visits but I think it would be wise to keep the lines open visits to be an option and not be a supremely weird and out of the ordinary thing for your kids.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Fri 15-Dec-17 20:22:18

All this said- your DD is 2 months old. I never let ANYONE have my baby for an overnight till she was 18 months old.

I think it's quite reasonable to limit contact to visits at the moment, create a familiarity. But who knows what the future will hold?

Tbh it is far easier and a good example to your D.C. if you can all get along. Your ex il’s obviously still feel you are family and are excited you’ve had another baby and want to meet her. Your ex likes babies and is trying to be involved in his ds sister’s life probably for your ds sake more than anything.
I have 3 D.C. the two older ones share a dad the youngest doesn’t. He loves the rare times he goes to ex’s house for a visit or in an urgent childcare situation. Thankfully ds2’s dad was very grown up about the whole thing and recognised they are all siblings and that like it or not we are all thrown together through the Children so it was best to just get on. I don’t think it’s too much to ask you do to at least grit his teeth and go with it even if he can’t bring himself to be delighted about it he’s being a bit immature really.

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 15-Dec-17 20:25:45

My DS has a DS with his now-ex, and she has two further dc by her current dp. DS babysits for all three to let the parents have grown-up time, or sometimes to cover their work committments. DS and the new DP sometimes go to football or the pub together, and the middle child sometimes stays over with us (DS came "home" when they split). I suppose it's unusual for everyone to get along so well, but it works really, really well for everyone.

Including me and DH, we have sons and grandsons, and middle child is a beautiful wee girl! grin

WattdeEll Fri 15-Dec-17 20:26:21

My new DH would say he didn’t like it, our child calls my exMIL “Grandma”. It took a while for both of us to feel alright with it, but we see the benefits for the children and they outweigh our own feelings of weirdness. Both my children appreciate it, their childhoods can benefit and for us that made us put up with any awkwardness. At 2 months though just build up until she is older and you’re all more used to it.

Ledkr Fri 15-Dec-17 20:35:18

It's lovejy. My ex and his family love my dd from my second marriage and his other children come to her parties. I think it's great for everyone. His dp and I often meet up for a play date as well.
It's unusual but I like it.

Dairymilkmuncher Fri 15-Dec-17 20:40:51

It is lovely and you are very lucky. Speak to your now DP and run arrangements past him in a respectful way but it's always going to be the best keeping on friendly terms with family and they are your sons family (who sound lovely)

So many posts on mumsnet about children getting unfair treatment with blended families it doesn't sound like that's going to be a problem for you so don't make it one

karolinkachelm Fri 15-Dec-17 20:42:33

Thank you all for your replies, it's certainly given me something to think about.

For the record, DP hasn't said anything so far, I can just tell he looks a bit uncomfortable with it all.

But actually I never thought of it like that so thank you all.

Dairymilkmuncher Fri 15-Dec-17 20:43:01

And I watch my sisters ex husband's new kids without any issue, his new partner was always glad for a hand and presents and visitors even though we weren't blood related

SnowyChristmasWish Fri 15-Dec-17 20:44:39

I can completely see why you and your DP find this weird, especially if u hadn’t anticipated it. But if you look at it from the kids perspective I think it’s very positive. I would let them meet/hold DD briefly at this stage and see how things naturally develop. Maybe she won’t do overnight visits but might just do a few hours or trips with DS and his dad in the future. At this age she will obviously only go where u go anyway. If your DP is struggling with it he needs to try to understand what it is that worries him about it. He may find it easier with time as well.

RestingGrinchFace Fri 15-Dec-17 20:45:33

I can see what you mean-it must be very wowed for your DP. But it would be so lovely for both your children if they were treated equally by your ex. It also never hurts to have some extra help. Maybe it would be a good thing for you ex and DP to get to know each other a bit better in the hope of making the most out of this?

Mumof56 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:47:21

Your dd is your other child's half sibling. It's nice that they aim to treat both of them the same.

they are not DDs family

On that note your partner is not you first child's family either. would you be happy if he treats them both differently?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Fri 15-Dec-17 20:47:51

I know a family that works like this. At first I thought it quite strange that the current and ex partner of the man were getting on so well and i thought they were playing at happy families but actually it has stood the test of time and they all look after each other’s DCs, have family days out with the two mums taking all the kids etc. They’re very close and I am very jealous of the supper network they have created for themselves. My ex has had another baby and if things were different between me and him I would be only too happy to have his baby here for my DC to spend time with.

Bluntness100 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:47:51

I understand that side of it but I have to put myself in DPs shoes. Would I really want his ex partner and her family looking after my DD

But yet you expect your husband to put up with your partner looking after his son?

I really think you should prioritise your chldren. Is he complaining? Is he looking after your ex’s child whilst saying you ex can’t look after his?

Bluntness100 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:50:59

For the record, DP hasn't said anything so far, I can just tell he looks a bit uncomfortable with it all

Sorry just saw that. So I guess he is a good guy and is fair and is equally uncomfortable looking after your ex’s and your child? He wouldn’t be very nice if he was happy to look after your ex’s child but didn’t want his child to be with your ex.

Is you and your ex’s child allowed near his family? I guess he doesn’t like this either?

karolinkachelm Fri 15-Dec-17 20:53:04

Fair point Bluntness! Fair point grin

Bluntness100 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:55:38

Actually I’m being deliberately harsh to make a point, I get your conundrum, but it is your sons sister and effectively extended family. Treating them like siblings is a positive. You also can’t expect them to extend rights to your partner if he isn’t willing to extend them back.

karolinkachelm Fri 15-Dec-17 20:57:43

No I completely get your point and I appreciate that. I honestly never thought of it that way but you're completely right.

It's just not something I've ever come across. I get it's a nice change to ex's at war!

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