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Mother raging angry with me and I am having a horrific panic attack

(119 Posts)
ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 19:58:38

I fucked up and was too pushy. She's raging with me. I was panicking last week because I have lost my PIP and many not be able to afford my rent in January. I said I might need to move home for a short while because I couldn't figure out how to manage my medical equipment in a homeless shelter.

At the time we didn't have a row, I didn't know she was angry. I called her tonight and she's so angry her voice shook. Saying how I never considered how it would impact her or the rest of the family if I moved home for a bit. I can only think this means my stepfather was fucked off at the idea of me staying as well.

I never lived with them growing up. This is my own fault. I'm so anxious to feel like I have a safety net, I pushed myself on people who aren't comfortable! FFS! But then when I was younger she always said I had a home there if I needed it? But I guess not really?

I'm fine but so humiliated I tripped up like this and pushed in where I'm not wanted. Embarrassed because...I'm old enough to know better.

Ridiculous because I know this is just panic and I'll be ok but I actually feel sick and like I might have diarrhea. She didn't even say goodbye. Don't know if I'll hear from her before Christmas, and that's fine everyone needs space but I'm a sucker for Christmas nostalgia and it just makes me sad.

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:00:11

Don't know what I'm asking by posting a thread. Nothing really, but it just feels better to get it out of my head.

TrojansAreSmegheads Fri 15-Dec-17 20:02:41

if my child no matter the age was in trouble they would always have a bed at my house.

i think it is sad that she isnt willing to help you. (unless you have miss3d out relevent information such as a long history of fucking up)

that said, you just told someone that they had to have you live in their house when you should have asked them if that was ok.

kateclarke Fri 15-Dec-17 20:04:02

I am so sorry.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s her not you.

Are you getting any support?

TrojansAreSmegheads Fri 15-Dec-17 20:04:32

posted too soon.
is there anyone else who can help you? who did you live with growing up?

or could emergency accom be found for you where your medical needs can be met?

PersianCatLady Fri 15-Dec-17 20:05:27

Perhaps your mother might have not been so nasty if you had asked about moving home rather than just telling her?

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:06:36

Yeah I know I did that's what I mean. I fucked it up massively.

Can't explain why. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It felt like it was ok at the time, it felt like I was confident enough in being welcome there in an emergency.

BrevilleTron Fri 15-Dec-17 20:06:56

So you are supposed to consider her feelings and the 'impact' on her?

That's not how a mother/daughter relationship should work.
You rang your mum because you wanted a bit of comfort and reassurance because you were worried.

That is life.
As a mum my response would be "Ok sweetie we will sort it somehow"

No child of mine would be considering a homeless shelter.

What you should have got was a verbal hug.
I'm sorry you didn't get that but it isn't your fault. Your mum is in the wrong.

Have a typed hug from me.

HopeAndJoy16 Fri 15-Dec-17 20:07:15

Oh OP flowers please don't feel bad. What sort of Mother gets so angry at her daughter when she is facing homelessness?! I'm sure some pp will be along with wise words but you asked for help that's all, you didn't push yourself on anyone. Take a deep breath. This is her problem, it's not you flowers

TheBakeryQueen Fri 15-Dec-17 20:09:47

You haven't fucked anything up massively.
Really, you just made an assumption (a fairly natural one given her words years ago) and they've totally overrated and really been quite unpleasant.

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Deep breaths, and can you do something to distract yourself from the anxiety? Read a good book, nice bath, funny film?

FaFoutis Fri 15-Dec-17 20:09:54

That's very difficult ForShame. It doesn't sound like your fault to me, our parents should make us feel like we have a safety net if they can. Sadly some of them are just shit parents and we have to rely on ourselves.

Ask for help from somebody else - who or what has helped you in the past?

TheBakeryQueen Fri 15-Dec-17 20:10:29

PersianCatLady are you the mum?

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:10:30

I can't explain the shame i feel for this. Rest assured, I know how wrong it was, and in deep deep shame from making such an error of judgement.

FaFoutis Fri 15-Dec-17 20:12:00

I know the shame. But it is not you, it is her.

PersianCatLady Fri 15-Dec-17 20:13:05

No, I am not her Mum.

I think her Mum's attitude is appalling not helping her daughter but I think the fact that the OP stated that she might need to come home rather than ask might have made her unreasonable mother behave like this.

TheBakeryQueen Fri 15-Dec-17 20:14:13

It wasn't wrong! Please listen to people who are saying that you haven't done anything wrong. You really haven't.

I dread to think what kind of upbringing you've had for your self esteem to be this low.

Honestly please be kind to yourself.

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:14:17

Sorry, I have cross posted with a lot of you.

I was calling her tonight to tell her I had a tentative job offer but I couldn't tell her, she wanted to go sad

Was so excited and wanted to tell her. I won't relax until I've signed my contract but hopefully in a much better position now.

TheBakeryQueen Fri 15-Dec-17 20:15:15

Congratulations! That's brilliant 😊

FaFoutis Fri 15-Dec-17 20:16:18

Well done! That sounds like great news.

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:22:55

Thank you! It's a great opportunity and I'm so happy about it! Hoping to get it all settled before Christmas, then I'll relax.

Gilead Fri 15-Dec-17 20:23:53

I currently have two of my adult children living at home. I do not care what has happened, or how, they are my children and will always have a home with me should they need it.
I'm glad you're getting sorted, but I do think you need to talk to someone about your relationship with your mother, she sounds a little selfish, this is about you, not her. flowers

jellybeanteaparty Fri 15-Dec-17 20:32:36

Re the PIP part have you appealed the decision? A lot of people find that they change the decision on appeal if you have a reasonable case with some evidence from medical teams. It is always worth an appeal if you feel you meet the criteria.

ForShameForShame Fri 15-Dec-17 20:32:51

Honestly I don't think she's selfish.

My utter panic is that she knows, just knows, that really at my core I'm a sack of shit, and I'm kidding myself trying to be a decent person and build a great life.

Feel really panicky, like it's only a matter of time before I have to face the truth which is I'm completely despicable and unloveable.

95% of me knows this is NOT true, I'm not a terrible person. That my mother is angry with me, they are her feelings and I accept that, but they aren't the whole entire truth about who I am as a person. Even with all my shitty flaws.

I've done counselling and lots of work on my self esteem and thought I was doing well, but this has shocked me.

NoSquirrels Fri 15-Dec-17 20:36:00

It really doesn’t sound as if your mother is good for you.
flowers OP.

FaFoutis Fri 15-Dec-17 20:36:12

My utter panic is that she knows, just knows, that really at my core I'm a sack of shit
You put that well, that's exactly how a mother like that makes you feel.
How old are you?
I'm in my 40s and I promise it gets better, that feeling went quite a long time ago for me.

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