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tell me what to do wise ones...have I made a mistake in getting married?

(114 Posts)
Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 19:20:09

DH is my first and only boyfriend. We got together at 16, got married 10 years later and now we're early thirties.

I have been really struggling recently with 'grieving' lost opportunities/freedoms. It's only been in the past year that I've thought about this, possibly as we think about starting a family. The main issue is that im not hugely attracted to him anymore I think. I don't think I ever was in a purely physical sense - I was drawn to him because he is kind, good and we're on the same wave length. We respect each other hugely, have an equal relationship and good sex - which I don't really instigate. But I think perhaps coming from a religious background I instinctively repressed my sexual desires/identity and didn't give this enough thought when choosing a partner. I prioritised 'sensible' things.

For the first time, I find myself looking at other men and thinking 'oh I could have been with you' and I feel hugely guilty.

Is this a huge red flag, or normal?

MikeUniformMike Thu 14-Dec-17 19:31:59

The grass is always greener?

brapbrapbrap Thu 14-Dec-17 19:37:41

Good guys are hard to come by. Seek counselling before you make a decision about leaving him.

RestingGrinchFace Thu 14-Dec-17 19:49:01

You are being silly.
If we all thought with our brains
and not our eyes or our willies
there would be less divorce.

You made a good decision. If you are worried about not being attracted to him I have two things to say: 1. Everyone gets old and unattractive. 2. Few people are attracted to their partners 100% of the time anyway. Realistically, you've done really well, I suggest (not knowing much about your situation) that your feelings are not about your choice in DH at all but rather something else entirely. Maybe the fact that you are on the brink of having children-massive life change that. Or you feel like you have missed your opportunities to get out and find someone else if you wanted to and now you see your life stretched out infront of you. Or maybe your lack of sexual confidence is effecting you and your relationship?

Karigan1 Thu 14-Dec-17 19:54:21

Lady there aren’t that many good kind men out there that give good sex. Yes you could be with someone else but frankly it probably won’t be better than a good kind man who loves you.

The grass is always greener until you hop over that fence and discover it’s plastic.

I don’t fancy my SO all the time either and could be with someone else too but I’ve seen some of the fish out in the sea and am quite happy with my good kind man who gives good sex!

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 19:55:05

Thank you for your replies.

It rings true that this feels like my 'last chance' to get out before children, although I can't really conceptualise getting divorced.

I worry I've been very stupid and I should have pushed myself to live on my own/dared other people instead of settling down so early.

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 19:56:59

Gosh I sound like such an entitled first world prat, I know.

It's awful feeling like this though.

specialsubject Thu 14-Dec-17 19:57:00

Sounds like you need some adventures. Change jobs, life - perhaps he is bored too. And don't get pregnant!

Pfftkids Thu 14-Dec-17 19:58:58

Have you spoken to your husband about it? Maybe he feels the same way and you could consider trying an open relationship for a while rather than splitting up.

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 20:00:00

He is very content - we go out a lot, have some lovely friends etc. We travel when possible.

I just don't know if this is normal at such an early stage in our marriage.

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 20:01:09

I have spoken a little about it, but I don't want to hurt him.

I don't think an open relationship is an option for us.

IrritatedUser1960 Thu 14-Dec-17 20:01:19

My ex husband has learnt the hard way that the grass is not greener and I have refused all his pleas to come back.
Be careful what you wish for, you may find he moves on and doesn't want you back. Freedom and other blokes are just a fleeting desire, and usually quite boring once the excitement wears off which it always does,
how I wish I could find just one good man.

OlennasWimple Thu 14-Dec-17 20:03:11

An open relationship sounds disasterous!

How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow and found that he was gone?

What would you do if he told you that he was having an affair and was thinking about divorcing you?

If you are relieved at the thought of your marriage being over, that's probably a sign that you need to act fast now.

But don't start shagging around to try to sow some belated wild oats

Maybe you both need to go and travel the world (either together or separately), or do something similarly wild before having kids?

OlennasWimple Thu 14-Dec-17 20:04:49

You've heard about the 7 year itch, right?

You might not have been married for 7 years, but you were together for so long before you got married, it's not quite the same dynamics as if you got married a couple of years after you met

Lovestonap Thu 14-Dec-17 20:05:29

I do understand where you're coming from. Society and media seem to expect us to spend our twenties on a hedonistic independent lifestyle and make us feel we've missed out if we didn't.

You have found a life partner. You can have adventures together.

Unless you're unfulfilled or unsatisfied with what you have now then stick with it. Good guys are rare. I've got mine. He's no George Clooney but by God, having been out with some really fucked up individuals I'm hanging on to him tooth and nail.

Redken24 Thu 14-Dec-17 20:06:09

What is it exactly you feel like missing?
If it's just sex and you say you don't instigate maybe you need to work on that before leaving. It's natural I imagine to feel complacent after a while, to want new experiences they don't have to be with new people though.

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 20:07:16

They are good questions olennas and I've tried to make myself imagine it, but I know that he would never, ever do that (I'm sure that's what everyone says!!)

I would never be unfaithful to him either. I just don't know how long I ride this uncertainty out for...

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 20:09:20

We have sex about once a week, so not great but not disastrous.

I suppose I'm starting to see him as a bit of a scrawny odd looking guy, whereas I've grown into my looks a bit more.

I am aware I sound like a massive twat.

Abitstuck Thu 14-Dec-17 20:10:26

Thank you all for your replies.

These are thoughts I can't voice anywhere else.

Pfftkids Thu 14-Dec-17 20:11:08

I felt I was missing out on life and all the fun of dating after having my oldest so young, it was like life was passing me by. I did speak to my husband about it and he gave me a pass to meet other guys which I did. And you know what it made me realise, I'm very lucky to have my husband. I can still meet up with others if I wish but haven't bothered in over a year now. Like someone said the grass is always greener.

I do think you should talk more to him about how you are feeling though and try to work things out together, better that than having your head turned by someone and the hurt that could cause with the betrayal

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood Thu 14-Dec-17 20:13:49

Once a week is good. Apparently it’s about average for married couples. There are, naturally, some who go at it three times a night. And then there is me, who on current activity gets about 6 times a year (not for lack of trying but the universe conspires against us).

What is it you think you would get elsewhere that you are missing?

MikeUniformMike Thu 14-Dec-17 20:15:01

He sounds a good 'un.
I would count my blessings and look at what I could lose.
Is there any other area of your life that might be unfulfilling - career or academic progression maybe?
If he is your friend and companion, you get along and the sex is good, then it it's worth hanging onto.

AdoraBell Thu 14-Dec-17 20:16:37

Looks aren’t everything though OP

My father was a stunner, but that didn’t stop him being violent towards his beautiful wife.

As others have said, a good man is worth hanging on to.

Playdohnut Thu 14-Dec-17 20:16:57

You're having a "one that got away" moment, only there wasn't another "one". Contentment can be dull, but remember "may you live in interesting times" is intended as a curse.

Redken24 Thu 14-Dec-17 20:18:04

I don't think every couple has the same sex life once they married. If your feeling more attractive that's good, what attracted you to your husband? Sense of humour? Good personality? Did u ever fancy him? Looks I mean. I think life is too short, if you aren't happy you should just say it to him. Obviously not the hurtful parts but I'm sure he would want to work through how your feeling.

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