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Can't believe it- my estranged mum and sister just turned up at my son's play

(58 Posts)
ChocolatePHD Thu 14-Dec-17 15:51:41

I'm gobsmacked.

I've been VLC/ NC with my mum for a year. She stuck with a bullying, violent, verbally abusive arsehole for 13 years and let him treat me however she wanted. I finally snapped a year ago and tried VLC but it was so hard so I went NC.

Me and dh arrived at the school today and I nearly died of shock to see my mum and my sister- who I'm not NC with but haven't seen for 1.5 years- in the queue for the play. I nearly had a panic attack and a heart attack all at once. Our school is tiny so it was obvious we would see each other. To make matters worse my sister actually texted me yesterday to say thanks for the xmas card/ vouchers I sent her and could she come and visit next week. Not one word about the play!!!! It's so bizarre I don't even know where to start. She had taken a day off work and everything!

We were two rows apart during the play and they were waving at my son throughout. They left without trying to speak to him/ me thankfully but I felt like I was shaking throughout the whole thing.

I just can't believe it. Hand hold needed if possible. sad

SpareBedroom Thu 14-Dec-17 15:58:56

OP I remember you from a previous thread about your family. Really sorry to hear about this and virtual hand-hold definitely forthcoming. thanks

iboughtsnowboots Thu 14-Dec-17 16:00:50

There was a good reason you went no contact and today confirms it. It sounds as though you have some sort of relationship with your dsis so maybe you could talk to her about what was going on? It sounds like a form of control for your DM. You may want to talk to school to prevent this happening again.

KurriKurri Thu 14-Dec-17 16:03:04

Goodness - how bizarre - that would shake me up too. Do you think they are aiming for some kind of reconciliation, - how do you feel abou that?

I would give yourself time to think about how you want things to be -ie if you want to continue NC with both, or maybe have some conatct with your sister.

But in a way I think the fact that they have turned up pout of the blue will serve you well - your sister may be intending to persuade you to be n contact with your mother again - at east now you are forewarned that something a bit odd is going on and you can firmly decide in your head what you do or don;t want to do. Protect yourself and your child - having toxic people in your life made you unhappy before and you have been less stressed without them I ppresume. So now you know something is afoot you can state your case calmly and firmly and not be bullied into doing anything you don't want to do.

If possible can your Dh be with you when your DSIS comes round ?

Glitterandunicorns Thu 14-Dec-17 16:03:20

OP, I don't know what to say but I'm offering a hand hold. It sounds like it must have been quite a shock for you. thanks

KurriKurri Thu 14-Dec-17 16:03:44

sorry for typos - hope you can make sense of my post !

Butterymuffin Thu 14-Dec-17 16:05:46

How did they get in? It's strictly by ticket and 2 people only at my DC school. You couldn't just have randoms turning up (and that's how a school would see them). You need a word with your school about their processes, never mind anything else.

RainbowWish Thu 14-Dec-17 16:10:46

Did your child's school just allow them to come in without checking who they were or if they were invited/ had a ticket?
I would be so shocked. You shouldnt have to feel uncomfortable in your own son's school.
Have you spoke to your sister as to why they were there?

BenLui Thu 14-Dec-17 16:12:31

How did they know about it?

Does your child even recognise them?

CustardOmlet Thu 14-Dec-17 16:13:37

@butterymuffin this surprised me as well. DS’s nativity today was ticket only and put directly in his book bag to come home. I would be complaining to the school that they gained access.

ChocolatePHD Thu 14-Dec-17 16:16:28

I texted my sister to say why on earth didn't she tell me she would be there, it was so bizarre and awkward. No reply.

Dh said the same about ticketing the play, I have no idea why any old random can go in, especially seeing as we weren't allowed to take photos as a safeguarding issue!!!??? I'm writing a letter of complaint and will say that next year if the play is not ticketed securely that ds will not be doing it.

Im so shaken up, how I feel inside is so horrible I could scream.

As for meeting up with my sister, she can forget that. I can't fucking believe she came and said nothing to me about it, acting as chaperone for my mother.

ScrabbleFiend Thu 14-Dec-17 16:17:07

I agree, you need to have a word with the school. They fact they just let anyone in is somewhat worrying. Our school is strictly tickets only and 2 per family.

ChocolatePHD Thu 14-Dec-17 16:17:14

Yes he recognised them although he got my sisters name wrong when he mentioned it after.

I think it's appalling that they throw the doors open so anyone can come in.

WeeMadArthur Thu 14-Dec-17 16:22:52

Agree with a PP, they should be checking the tickets and not just letting anyone in. A local school let someone in without checking their ID (via the attached leisure center bit) and unfortunately for them it was the Ofsted inspector who had turned up at the wrong entrance. The school was put into special measures because of it. The Head should take a complaint extremely seriously.

Charmatt Thu 14-Dec-17 16:25:37

One of the schools local to me invite members of the community to come and watch the afternoon play, but they have to ask for a ticket beforehand.

0ccamsRazor Thu 14-Dec-17 16:25:42

Email the school with a photo of your estranged mother and tell them next time she turns up to call the police. Tell them that she has a history of abusing you and that you and your family are nc with her.

This is a child safeguarding issue.

2017RedBlue Thu 14-Dec-17 16:34:34

That is absolutely shocking for you. I am so sorry. I'm not surprised you want to scream.

Your Mum has gone against your wishes around contact and completely broken your trust - again - by the sounds of things.

I am so so sorry that parents can be so very disappointing.

I would certainly complain to the school - but it would also be helpful to let them know that you are NC with your DM and that any further intrusions like this will be reported to Ofsted/local authority.

It's so sad as she's forcing herself into your DS's life because I guess he must miss him - but she's failed to take account of the fact that she has to come through you first. You don't get access just because you want it.

Hand holding with you. xx

ChocolatePHD Thu 14-Dec-17 16:35:19

I will do that, thank you for the tips.

I honestly feel so shaken up and angry, I don't know what to do with all these feelings.

Bluetrews25 Thu 14-Dec-17 16:38:04

Your sister didn't tell you they were coming because you would have tried to prevent them from coming.

Blackteadrinker77 Thu 14-Dec-17 16:38:08

I think that is a very sly way to see your son.

I've never read any of your previous posts/threads but that is just so under hand.

MiltonTheCockroach Thu 14-Dec-17 16:40:22

My first thought was "well they are his grandmother and sister so why shouldn't they see him?"

I don't, however, know the background to why you went NC with you mother (not seen your previous threads). If your mother is a danger to your son then I can understand why you are so upset that she was there.

Definitely put in a complaint to the school. I'm shocked that they gained access, as PPs have said it's been ticket-only entry to our local schools for 10+ years.

MiltonTheCockroach Thu 14-Dec-17 16:40:45

* Auntie, not sister

ChocolatePHD Thu 14-Dec-17 16:48:03

She's not a danger to him but she was abusive to me. We tried limited contact between her and him but she caused so much stress over it that I had to end it. The last straw was her shouting at me because I wouldn't let her turn up at his bedtime with his birthday presents!

diddl Thu 14-Dec-17 17:26:03

Tbf they didn't let just anyone in-it was a child's aunt & GM.

If there's no legal reason for them not to be there I'm not sure if the school would have turned them away.

You know where your sister's loyalties are though & to look out for this sort of thing in future.

Booboobooboo84 Thu 14-Dec-17 17:34:42

Does your sister or dm have any other relatives at the school?

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