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Thread about older women who can't express an opinion!

(17 Posts)
CommonFishDiseases Thu 14-Dec-17 14:32:12

Does anyone remember a thread maybe a year or so ago about hosting older women who are simply not able to express an opinion, prehaps due to childhood experiences, generational cultures etc., and how infuriating it can be to host someone like that?! I think the OP talked about offering her DGM/DM a cup of tea??? Anyway I was a lurker at that time but the thread really stayed with me. It was very thought provoking and sad. But made me understand my own DM better. I'd love to find it again.

CommonFishDiseases Sat 16-Dec-17 19:31:04


"A cup of tea? Oh no I couldn't possibly put you out. Well, only if you're making one for yourself...? No, no, just half a cup will do. Oh no, no sugar, I don't want to be a bother..."

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser Sat 16-Dec-17 19:32:11

Yes! I remember that. Not sure what it was called though...

PanPanPanPing Sat 16-Dec-17 19:37:13

If it was in Chat it will have disappeared. But maybe it was moved into Classics?

I'm sure there have been many threads like that though ... or maybe not ... I'm not sure ... what do you think? grin

CommonFishDiseases Sat 16-Dec-17 20:01:05

Oh PanPan I didn't realise there was an expiry date on Chat threads :-(

hugoagogo Sat 16-Dec-17 20:13:54

I remember that too.
I need to get me a lifehmm

CommonFishDiseases Tue 26-Dec-17 10:52:44

There is a new thread to this effect now!

EnidButton Tue 26-Dec-17 10:58:05

Omg yes. My MiL is here and she's definitely one of those. It's really hard work.

EnidButton Tue 26-Dec-17 10:58:56

Oh sorry, see you were looking for a thread. blush I was just so pleased to see it described so accurately.

ChickenPaws Tue 26-Dec-17 11:05:24

Mil was like that. It was mildly irritating when she was independent, but became a pa nightmare when she needed personal care in a care home. Everything that anyone did for her was wrong, but she never actually spelled out what she did want hmm it became exhausting to deal with and poor dh bore the brunt of it. She abdicated all responsibility for her care, but then quite clearly wasn’t happy with what was decided for her. It’s difficult to express in words just how stressful it is dealing with such people. They’re like whiny little children.

Independentstateofeyebrows Tue 26-Dec-17 11:05:25

My DF was like this. It was due to years of being henpecked by DM who would belittle and criticise him at every opportunity. For example, I'd be making him a sandwich and I'd ask if he wanted ham or cheese and you could see from his face he was trying to work out the 'right' answer rather than just saying which he wantedsad

EnidButton Tue 26-Dec-17 11:46:37

Oh no independant sad That is sad.

CommonFishDiseases Tue 26-Dec-17 12:20:04

Independent that is sad. Poor love. I think with an overbearing partner it must get worse.

ChickenPaws it's not that everything is wrong for them - it's about somebody who is so afraid of saying the "wrong" thing or imposing on others, that they become horribly indecisive and refuse to express a preference for the most basic thing e.g. tea or coffee. I think it stems from emotionally deficient childhoods or ideas of guilt/unworthiness in certain families...? It is generally people of older generations it seems.

thedevilinablackdress Tue 26-Dec-17 12:26:57

My DM is a bit like this but also very fussy and intractable at times too. Keeps me on my toes 😁

ChickenPaws Tue 26-Dec-17 12:27:42

I know it’s a shame if this is how they’ve been raised, but that doesn’t help the folk who’re dealing with them sad

MsJuniper Tue 26-Dec-17 12:30:42

Shit, I am already a bit like this. I can just see it getting worse as I get older.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo Tue 26-Dec-17 12:47:15

DFIL was like this re the tea/coffee thing. I quickly realised he never drank tea - he just didn't want to be a bother! So I just had to make the decision for him: 'and coffee for you?' He was visible relieved when I did this and made life simpler all round.

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